Tables - the Rude the Bad and the Downright Ugly

[bone1986]

The funniest verbal I've had in ages was when a guy called me a homo after I took down a pot, I always like to use a bit of humor on the odd occasions that I reply so i typed back, how can you tell? have we met before? maybe in a dark alley behind a bar. He went mental in the chat box saying  I couldn't say things like that and he would call support, then he donked off all his chips in about 10 minuets. Tikay is so right when he says most abusive players are mentally weak.

[kinboshi]

As Totalise mentioned, LOL is usually the best response (if you respond at all). 

[kvnstv]

You can learn a lot about someone from the verbal abuse they throw, but usually you just learn that there probably not very smart. If you analyze there actual use of language when they are tilting it will give you quite a good idea of who they are and what they are about. When a teen age boy starts abusing you its usually pretty obvious by there choice of words and this is giving you information about the way he will play. Try min raising his blind with a big hand and see what happens.

Plenty of times I have been abused by the horrendously misinformed, the same few situations seem to trigger a bout of verbal most often and it just shows my opponent as an inexperienced player.

1.) Making a 'by the numbers call' in a tournament and bust them with some junky hand because you where getting the correct price.

2.) Calling off your stack because your committed in the blinds.

My favourite type of serial abuser is the 'table coach', I see the same old thing over and over. He gets a few chips early and starts critiquing everyone else's play. I love getting on sharkscope and getting there playing stats, always fun to point out that someone losing 2K at $5-$10 buyins is not really qualified to coach others. 

[JungleCat03]

Great Topic.

In an ideal world we'd all show politeness and respect at the tables, congratulate each other and give our opponents virtual cuddles each time they won a pot.

But it's not, poker is a war people and there is no room for weakness. Don't let yourself get bullied and harrassed, pull on your flak jacket and commando trousers and fight back!

No need to lower yourself to base insults and swearwords or educate anyone. There are plenty of ways to gently tap the aquarium.

1) QUIET SARCASM

Someone outdraws you after playing horribly in a crucial pot. "nh, wp" is the short response to this.

Should you feel the need to vent further a more elaborate version would run along the lines of " I would like to congratulate you on your sterling play. It took exquisite vision to recognise that the turn AND river would both be . I am humbled and in awe of your exceptional foresight. I foresee a wonderful future for you filled with bundles of cash, balloons and large, juicy slices of chocolate cake, stencilled with the words "I runner runnered you beeutch. You got SMOKED!"

2) THE SURREAL APPROACH

Someone getting angry and abusive at you? Confuse them with a barrage of stuff they simply cannot respond to. Some examples

Random player "You moron. If you were here now, I'd knock your teeth out"
You "Hmmm, that WOULD work, except for the fact i'm composed entirely of strawberry blancmange! HAHA SCHOOLED!"
Random player "errrr"

******

Random player "YOu cretin! How could you call WTF you suck, you total and utter FISH!"
You "I like to nibble off the chocolate edges then suck out the middle..... how do you eat YOURS young padawan!"
Random player "Errrrr"

******

Madyank runs advanced courses in this....

3) KIPPER ALLUSIONS

No one likes being called a fish. Everyone likes being called a kipper though!

Random player "you idiot...how the hell can u call that!"
You "**SIREN*** Lower the nets, lower the nets, kipper down, kipper down" (tm belongs to leehack)

You've just had a bad beat..

"***SNIFF*** I love the smell of kippers first thing in the morning!"

4) MAKE UP NUMBERS

There's often the table theorist who likes to tell everyone exactly how to play. "J5 sooted is horrible....You called with that??? terrible play....etc etc"


Table theoristr : " Disgusting, that was a horrible call"
You: " It was a 50/50."
TT : "You had a gutshot"
You:" Yeah either I hit or I missed. 50/50.... QED"

*******
"That was terrible!!"
"You're joking!!! i was 76% to hit my draw"
"Draw?? you had nothing!"
"I was on a pair draw!"

*****

(My personal favourite, taken from a 2+2ers chat)

"Yuck you suck"
"A pair v 2 overs is a coin flip. I saw it on the ESPN poker coverage last night"
"I had AA!"
"Ya, 2 overs"


If you can suck up all the bad beats, never get steamed up enough to insult people in the chat box and conduct yourself with decorum whenever you play, kudos to you, you probably have the mental fortitude to go far. Till then, hit back with some humour.

[AndrewT]

Yeah, the 'make up numbers' approach works really well - drives them mental.

Also, say things like 'meta game' or 'game theory' to explain your play.

A great one to really wind them up is explain that you have their play all worked out because you've been 'pattern mapping' them - they seem to think you're somehow cheating.

[Graham C]

followed by something like

/enable viewhand.exe playername.dat

that'll get them worried

[byronkincaid]

My favourite type of serial abuser is the 'table coach', I see the same old thing over and over. He gets a few chips early and starts critiquing everyone else's play. I love getting on sharkscope and getting there playing stats, always fun to point out that someone losing 2K at $5-$10 buyins is not really qualified to coach others

sigh, so some dude who has probably never heard of sharkscope and doesn't realise that the $50 or so he deposits most weeks has added up to him losing 2K and is basically giving you money, now gets embarressed and doesn't enjoy spewing his money away much now cos he realises that yes he is a fish.

So maybe he puts the effort into learning how to play or maybe he starts playing blackjack instead. either way another fish bites the dust.

[matt674]

Can I rely on having busoms - be it live or on line - to protect me from any criticisms

yes - but they have to be big enough to fit either over your ears for live games or eyes for online games.

there's nothing i love more than winding up someone at the table who i know will tilt easily. Armo tells me i shouldn't get involved but its fun and there's nothing better than having someone wanting to beat you so badly that they are willing to do something really stupid in an attempt to beat you allowing them to gloat over you. my particular favourite is the "short term memory poker player" - one who likes to critisize the play of others then makes a glaringly bad play and gets lucky in a pot, usually he'll come up with an excuse like he's getting the correct pot odds to call when he isnt.

My favourite was "i was getting the correct implied odds to make the call on the flop", my reply was "how can you talk about implied odds when your opponent was all in?"

(downside being occasionally their 4-1 shot comes good!! )

[kvnstv]

My favourite type of serial abuser is the 'table coach', I see the same old thing over and over. He gets a few chips early and starts critiquing everyone else's play. I love getting on sharkscope and getting there playing stats, always fun to point out that someone losing 2K at $5-$10 buyins is not really qualified to coach others

sigh, so some dude who has probably never heard of sharkscope and doesn't realise that the $50 or so he deposits most weeks has added up to him losing 2K and is basically giving you money, now gets embarressed and doesn't enjoy spewing his money away much now cos he realises that yes he is a fish.

So maybe he puts the effort into learning how to play or maybe he starts playing blackjack instead. either way another fish bites the dust.

But thats the point nothing you could ever tell them would change how they play, they already know exactly how to play its just everybody else doing it wrong.

[bolt pp]

My favourite type of serial abuser is the 'table coach', I see the same old thing over and over. He gets a few chips early and starts critiquing everyone else's play. I love getting on sharkscope and getting there playing stats, always fun to point out that someone losing 2K at $5-$10 buyins is not really qualified to coach others

sigh, so some dude who has probably never heard of sharkscope and doesn't realise that the $50 or so he deposits most weeks has added up to him losing 2K and is basically giving you money, now gets embarressed and doesn't enjoy spewing his money away much now cos he realises that yes he is a fish.

So maybe he puts the effort into learning how to play or maybe he starts playing blackjack instead. either way another fish bites the dust.

Exactly   

[MKKfish]

I guess 95% plus of abusive players online are doing it from a reactive point of view to a bad beat etc. and it is personal and of the moment.

But there are a few where it is premeditated and used as a tool. Anyone remember Fugu on VC..? That was premeditated and used very very effectively. People would duck some plays because of his 'trash talk' and accordingly earned him an advantage.

[turny]

i hope u took down there username skikera for future reference

[portfolio]

for those that may have missed this timeless  gem, i give u the tony g masterclass

http://blondepoker.com/forum/index.php?topic=13256.105

 

[Ironside]

I guess 95% plus of abusive players online are doing it from a reactive point of view to a bad beat etc. and it is personal and of the moment.

But there are a few where it is premeditated and used as a tool. Anyone remember Fugu on VC..? That was premeditated and used very very effectively. People would duck some plays because of his 'trash talk' and accordingly earned him an advantage.

fugu is actually a blondite no names no pat drill but your right it was done as a tool and they played under another name too

[turny]

I guess 95% plus of abusive players online are doing it from a reactive point of view to a bad beat etc. and it is personal and of the moment.

But there are a few where it is premeditated and used as a tool. Anyone remember Fugu on VC..? That was premeditated and used very very effectively. People would duck some plays because of his 'trash talk' and accordingly earned him an advantage.

fugu is actually a blondite no names no pat drill but your right it was done as a tool and they played under another name too

disgusting! a blondite indeed! im sure a true blondite wouldnt act like this! would they?