Desperation and Madness - Part Four (and perhaps final part)

I have made two major mistakes since I started my new life in the summer of 2000, and each one would leave me with a mountain to climb. The first was in business when I tried to launch a game I had created. I lacked the infrastructure and financial back-up for such a project, but the passion I had for the game simply made it impossible for me to give up on the idea. And anyway, how else was I going to get my life back in track - play poker for a living?

To cut a long story short, I borrowed from every institution I could, as well as putting my last £30K into developing the software and keeping the company going. By 2002, I was left in debt to the tune of about £50-60K, and with interest accumulating. You have to laugh! It was two years since I had to start with nothing, and all I had achieved was a growing debt. But that wasn't the worst of it. What really hurt was the fact that I was about to walk away from the woman who had saved me over those two years. Again, that's a long story, suffice to say, it was the most painful decision I had ever faced in my life. The irony was, she was the one who had taught me that guilt should never play a part in any relationship. And it was because of that lesson that I had no choice but to walk away. OK, so you are not left wondering....she longed for a baby but I was in no shape to consider becoming a dad again. So how do you deny a person what they MUST have. I couldn't do it - I couldn't look at her and know what I was responsible for.

Over those two years with her, I had made much progress in terms of understanding the past. And though not yet fully "healed", I was also learning about relationships and how people should be. In effect, I was becoming human again. But just the thought of leaving her was too much - I began to slide towards the abyss again. In the midst of this madness, I was about to have a year in poker that one can only dream of. But the thought of what lay ahead would sometimes drive me to despair. I began on the path to self-destruct all over again. That was mistake number two!

In all my years of going to Vegas, I avoided involvement with any other woman. Even when I knew my marriage was over, guilt didn't allow for such freedoms. But for some reason, it was about to change.

Perhaps I could somehow sense that my end was in sight? And in truth, that scared me. It terrified me to think what my failure would mean to those in my life. And as was always the case, it was this fear that would make me snap out of destruct mode - even if it wasn't to be long before I was right back in it. Perhaps therefore, my reaching out to someone, anyone; was just a last desperate attempt to buy myself some time. The alternative would have been disastrous, not least of all, for the woman I was to leave behind. For she had shared in my dreams with the game, and the subsequent debts. I somehow needed to fight back again and to keep my promise that she would be looked after financially.

Leah had only been in Vegas a few weeks. She too had to start over again after back problems had forced her to quit her job at a hospital back in Maine. Starting at the bottom, she became a craps dealer at the Plaza in Downtown Vegas. Considering her job and my state of mind, it was destiny that we would meet across the dice table. I don't know how many times I begged her to meet me for a drink and a chat, but she refused each time. I don't know what made her finally relent. Perhaps she could sense my desperation? Perhaps she felt she could help me? Maybe, just maybe, she succumbed to my final weapon - the English accent?. Whatever the reason, I was about to go on my first date in Vegas.

Some say that our destiny is mapped out for us. Some say it's what we make it. Either way, I was about to date my future wife.

Leah had moved to Vegas on the advice of her parents who had moved there a couple of years earlier. And before our first date, she made sure of telling them my name and where we would be meeting (just in case I turned out to be some sort a crackpot). But the apprehension she felt went both ways. In fact, when she finally relented and agreed to meet me, I seriously began to wonder what I was letting myself in for. But as we chatted away at the wine bar at the Rio, it soon became apparent that our fears were unjustified. And so began a friendship of two people from two different worlds.

We saw each other almost every day over the next couple of weeks. And in that time, Leah would be a witness to an incredible period of self-destruct as she watched me turn my $3K bankroll into almost $50K playing poker; and then turn $50K into $0 playing craps. And yet, by the end of our time together, she had somehow fallen for the lost soul from England. So much so, that on the morning we parted, she had (unbeknown to me) withdrawn almost all her life's savings of $2K and left it in a box for me, along with a present she had bought for the woman back in England; the woman I was about to leave. A few weeks later, I was back in the US for what was about to be the most incredible run of results, and the most destructive period of my life.

It's difficult to try and explain the emotions of that year. On the one hand, I would fight like hell on the poker table - as if my my life depended on it. On the other, the slightest thought of leaving the woman who saved me, would send me into a frenzy of guilt and destruction. Looking back now, I still struggle to make sense of the series of events that almost and perhaps rightly, destroyed all hope. Perhaps it was simply a combination of all that had gone before?. Perhaps I couldn't understand or cope with the pain and the torture I was feeling. Perhaps the challenge that lay ahead simply terrified me into believing that I couldn't possibly win enough from poker, and that there was a quicker way through house games? Or maybe I just used destruction as a way to try and justify the hurt I was feelings - to give it a reason for its existence? If that was indeed the case, then I did a great job. What irony 2002 brought as each win simply became just another casualty to the destruct.

2003 and three years since I started my new life. The debt was bigger than ever and hopelessness was really the only justifiable feeling. Even after winning the Aussie Millions that January, the split with my backer, the odd saver here and there and the wire of 110K of the Aussie money back to England and to my commitments; ensured that that the battle to overcome my past and my mistakes had only just begun.

On the bright side, I had struck gold with Leah. I had found a woman who asked for nothing more than to be my wife, my friend and to share in my struggle. She got all her wishes that May. I think we had something like $37 after the ceremony and we celebrated with a burger at Binions. As for the next two or three years that followed? I wouldn't know how to begin to describe the enormity of the struggle or the pressure and anxiety that that was part of our everyday life. It was a tough way to live, simply because of the vulnerability that comes with such circumstances. It was like a nightmare, but one in which you are fully awake.

As for the destruct? That began to subside as the bond between Leah and kept growing. What coincidence that of all the women in Vegas, I should happen to approach Leah?. Because the fact is, only a woman like Leah could have withstood the challenges we faced. And only a woman like Leah could have made me come through them. And we faced many. Not least of all, health. What did I say about being vulnerable to circumstances?

Playing catch-up in life is no fun. Playing catch-up in poker without a bankroll, cannot be any more daunting. But that's exactly what we faced during 2003-2004. And if that wasn't enough, health problems began to mount as I developed severe back and sciatica problems.

If things had been dire before, then we were about to reach new depths in terms of fear and apprehension. I don't know exactly how many times we had reached the point when one more unfavorable circumstance would have sent us over the edge, but it was to be many. But somehow, the miracles kept coming at the times when we needed them most. Some say that poker cannot be played under extreme pressure to win. Why? Was there another way? If there was, I had long forgotten how that felt.

I guess there's lot more, but I will save that if I ever I do finish that book.

On a final note, Surinder Sunar (a friend of over 25 years and probably my best friend over the two or three) had often mentioned how poker should have set me up for life. Perhaps he's right. But there are two ways I could look at the last seven years. I could bemoan my circumstances and my mistakes and agree with him. Or I could look at this period and feel extremely thankful that I found the kind of relationship I never thought possible. Because without Leah, the fight would have been over a long time ago. I guess therefore, as long as any of us have a fight to fight, it's a victory of sorts.