>>> Evelyn Reid 11/15/2007 11:55 am >>>
A must read! - Genuine complaint to Edinbru police
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at
Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the
idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass
this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal,
carrier pigeon or ouji board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical
experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is
just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a
game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force
of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings
throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I
am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any
time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging
through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and
is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's
only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle
of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could
be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily
leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them
and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with
worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt
with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car
before doing a three point turn and
disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to
remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of
these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month
head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
*****************************************8
Mr
,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at
the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like
to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide
contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC
?
Community Beat Officer
*****************************
Dear PC
??
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy
response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal
record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these
details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's
own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your
covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street
, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep
undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?
Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one
with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before
you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes
taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim
without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to
explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats
that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The
pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance
as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should
feel free to contact me on
?. If after 25 minutes I have still failed
to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards
?
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky
that you don't work for the cleansing department.
Author