women..............know your place

[bhoywonder]

Womens essential education
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
JUST SAY IT!

1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done
Not both
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
Sex,
Sport, or
Cars

1. You have enough clothes

1. You have too many shoes

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education

[thetank]

I hope God is man and not a woman, otherwise not only am I going to hell, I'm never going to know why.

[bhoywonder]

I hope God is man and not a woman, otherwise not only am I going to hell, I'm never going to know why.

he he he ..sounds bout right

[ACE2M]

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

hmm, this rings a bell, 'why do you have to fucking solve everything?, i don't want it solved i just want you to listen', blah blah blah.

i'll add another one

1, if we can obviously hear you but aren't answering it's for a reason, just shut up and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.

[bhoywonder]

this is my fave

and soooooooooo true


1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done
Not both
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself

[Claw75]

you're still feeling the pain?!

[cia260895]

ill never get my head round this 1....

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

[Laxie]

Good thing, because fact is...anything men say can and will be used against them...whenever we bloody well feel like it. 

[The_duke]

  only a woman would think that

[suzanne]

Womens essential education
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
JUST SAY IT!

1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done
Not both
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
Sex,
Sport, or
Cars

1. You have enough clothes

1. You have too many shoes

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education

Be a man ffs, you are laid out on the sofa with a bag of frozen sweetcorn (which she provided) numbing your complaint and a beer in the other hand. Your only decision is to what to do next..ie eat, smoke, play online poker, channel flick, tommy tank (maybe not) or moan at the missus for putting you through this agony.

Im guessing the missus is in for a hard (or maybe not) time :-) coz you would have to let go of the beer LOL

Get well soon Charlie xxxxxxxxxxx

[HOLDorFOLD]

Mens essential education


1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it - haha but WE get to feel them every day and every night

1. Learn to work the toilet seat - It stays down, apart from wanking and lifting beer it's the only other exercise mens arms gets (we're doing you a favour here) 

1. Saturday = sports. Sex is a sport. Whilst you watch football your gf is probably .....

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.  Agreed, but ahem, your gf is probably out "shopping" whist you watch your sports (see above)

1. Crying is blackmail. - Agreed, we KNOW that, that's why we do it

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
JUST SAY IT! - Does not work either. We then go "ahem, shopping"

1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Agreed, NO I do not want to go shopping with you cheers a girl up, so she can then say YES I will go "ahem, shopping" with my other friend

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for - (and "shopping" buddies)

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor - we did, he advised us to pretend we still had a headache and "go shopping"

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.   Thank god for that, "I do" is now officialy void girls, that means we can go "ahem, shopping"

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. Can't argue with that one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done
Not both
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself - we do do it ourself, which is why sales of batteries are at an all time high 

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we - and look how long it took him 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is. Nor do we, we just SAY these colours to confuse you so that you end up saying choose whatever colour you want dear

1. You have enough clothes - Camouflage for "Shopping Trips"

1. You have too many shoes - See above

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. - yes it is, which is why we go "shopping" a lot

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. - We know you like it, we know you will end up on the couch, we wanted a peaceful nsnore free night's sleep so we planned it that way when we started the "argument" 


Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them an education


 

[lucky_scrote]

So women like to shop then?

[The_nun]

Never generalise Dan, never generalise. My bottom lip grags the floor when ever I have to apply myself to any form of shopping.

[boldie]

Never generalise Dan, never generalise. My bottom lip grags the floor when ever I have to apply myself to any form of shopping.

I had a girlfriend who had the same problem..she even left a trail FFS..she moved faster than a slug but that was the only difference once you started talking about shopping.


 

[HOLDorFOLD]

So women like to shop then?

LOL, the "ahem, Shopping" I was referring to was not High Street shopping ...... and it was tongue in cheek (was it a woosh moment?)


And to agree with The_nun, I HATE HATE HATE shopping (shop shopping lol), have to go out today to grab a pair of trousers for a bash tonight, have put it off to the last minute as usual, and, as usual, will probably wear jeans instead lol.

Food shopping - now that's another subject altogether. Spend way too long in Tesco, Sainsburys, Waitrose - has to be coincided with a Costa coffee stop beforehand though.