can't sleep. Too much in my head. I think this thread is going to end up as my dumping ground for stuff and some psuedo therapy.
It may surprise some of you to know that I have an incredibly low self-esteem and sense of self-worth - almost non-existant in fact. Those of you who know me a little better will have already seen the signs. I rarely take time with my appearance, hardly ever buy new stuff for myself (my mind won't let me justify being worthy of new stuff), and worry far too much about what other people think of me. I bent over backwards in six years of an unhappy relationship to be who I thought I needed to be, I've been with the same employer since I was 19 (despite being desperately unhappy there) as I've no faith in my abiility to make it elsewhere.
I know that I need help with this. It's a vicious circle though, part of me doesn't even feel I'm worthy of getting any self-esteem! There are also a lot of demons I'm just too darn scared to face as I know it will have to get worse before it can get any better.
Finding poker was a major turning point for me. Once I had got to grips with the game I realised this was something I could be good at and it's the one area of my life in which I have confidence in my abilities. It's also the one thing I've been willing to 'buy' for myself without feeling guilty (but not to the point where I've felt I'm entitled to put winnings towards a bankroll
). Hooking up with Matt was another major turning point too - he makes me feel so good about myself, since we've been together it's been like a real rush and I've started to gain a bit of confidence in myself and there are times when I almost feel like a worthy human being
That's why I'm finding this all very difficult. As I've said earlier in the thread, I know that I have to stop playing until I have more disposable income, but when I'm out playing at the casino I actually feel confident within myself and it feels good. There are so few areas of my life where that holds true it scares the bejesus out of me.
On the plus side, I've been referred for cognitive behavioural therapy to help me with some of this stuff. I just wish I'd gone through it while I was still playing poker regularly, as I feel it's going to be an even tougher few months ahead now.
I'm sure I'll regret writing this in the morning, but for now at least it's out of my head and on the page and I can hopefully get some sleep.
Author