The Joke thread

[cia260895]

just to cheer up all the  cold blondes out there,
Just received this 1 made me smile

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks'. 

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'. 

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'. 

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!.






We can take two arseholes out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'.

[cia260895]

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you
be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

 

[bobAlike]

"I'm baffled by your orange penis" the Doctor told his patient. "Does anyone else in your family suffer from this condition?"
"No" The concerned patient said.
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?"
"No, I don't work." came the reply.
"Well what do you do all day?" Asked the Doc.
"Watch porn and eat Wotsits"

[lucky_scrote]

Whats similar between a tornado and marriage?

It all starts with lots of blowing and sucking but you usually end up just losing your house.

[steeveg]

Manchester united manager Alex Ferguson sent scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to help united win the title.
 One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar, so Ferguson flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Old Trafford. Two weeks later Man u are 4-0 down at home to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. Ferguson gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off  Rooney, who he nearly forgot was even on the field. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for United. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me". "Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time". The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry". "Sorry!" says his Mum, "Its your bloody fault that we moved to Manchester in the first place!"

[bobAlike]

3 women, 1 engaged, 1 married and 1 a mistress decide to treat their men by wearing black leather bras, stiletto heels and masks.
The engaged woman says "My man leapt on me and we made love all night long."
The mistress adds "Me too. We had wild sex all night."
The married woman sighs "My husband came home took one look at me and said what's for fucking dinner batman."

[Claw75]

A mate of mine just tried the new viagra eye-drops.  He now looks hard.

[thetank]

Where's the jokes?

[Longy]

Where's the jokes?

+1

I bet they have formed another secret forum for them

[MANTIS01]

An elderly couple are visiting a farm show and have a look in the prize bull tent. The first bull is a magnificient animal and it's plaque says..."Champion Bull, sired 50 calves this year". The old woman digs her husband in the ribs and says "Look at that Stanley...once a bloody week...you could learn a trick from that". The next bull is bigger and it's plaque says..."Regional Champion Bull, sired 100 calves this year". The wife pushes her husband and says "Look, twice a bloody week...you could learn a thing or two from that". The last bull is the biggest and best in show, and it's plaque says "National Champion Bull, sired 360 calves this year". She scoffs at her husband yet again "Jesus Stan...every bloody day...he certainly puts you to shame doesn't he?" Stan quips back "Yeah but to be fair love he's not shagging the same old cow every day"

[henrik777]

A sixteen year old girl was killed yesterday in a Sledging incident.

Serves her right, Girls shouldn't play cricket.

Sandy

[cia260895]

What's this?






























Tom thumb with a hard on...

[thetank]

I get given this at the security window of the all night petrol station.



ffs, I asked for a regular KitKat fatso.

[david3103]

There are 10 types of people

those who understand binary, and

those who don't

[bolt pp]

There are 10 types of people

those who understand binary, and

those who don't

they could all understand it to different extents though as you work your way up the scale from No1 who doesnt even know what day vit is to No10 who has a PHD in maths