Joke!!

[Ironside]

The Greek government is in such trouble they’ve halted production of hummus & taramasalata. Yes, it’s a double dip recession....

[geordieneil]

I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my beloved walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said "Get that trolley over here love, they're doing three cases of Carling for the price of two."

[geordieneil]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!

[bobAlike]

Couple of oldies-

A man has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

[smashedagain]

Couple of oldies-

A man has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

like and never actually heard them

[Simon Galloway]

In that case Herbie let me try you with one that was doing the rounds in 1978 with the swimming baths joke..


A hang glider pilot crash-landed today in Dublin cemetery.  Police have found 743 bodies.

[china mug]

whats the best way to commit suacide....answer jump of a tall building....why is it the best way...
if you change your mind about killing your self half way down ,you have the other half to change it back again.....

[bryceland]

what did the sea say to the sand?

nothing it just waved.

[Kev B]

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency..

[bobAlike]

Bad taste or no smoke without fire?

[smashedagain]

Pretty sure you ain't gonna get away with that Andrew but obv smirked. Never quoted it for truth

[TightEnd]

Publican to Punter "I threw the new Bond villian out of the pub yesterday"

"Javier Bardem?"

"No, he can come back in when he's sober again"

[EvilPie]

My daughter came up to me this morning and said "Dad. How old were you when you first had sex?"

"About 14, I think," I replied.

"I'm 14 next year, do you think I'll have sex by then?"

"Don't be ridiculous! No, you will not!"

"But you did!" she said.

"I know, but I wasn't as ugly as you."

[bobAlike]

The U.S Met office have issued a stark warning and have upgraded hurricane Sandy to a British summer.

[youthnkzR]

Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning...

ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha