Earlier this week I proved my knowledge of the minds of the nation's young, female population by winning Tighty's excellent Sheep Quiz.
To thank the Blonde Community, I now share with you an open game of...
Our SubjectOn 2nd July 1956, a legend was born. Colburn ‘Rastafish’ Tomlin.
5 days later, in inauspicious surroundings alarmingly reminiscent of Charlie & the Chocolate Factory (3 generations lived together), Father Gascoigne was born to my Grandparents Peter & Audrey in the near-Sheffield village of Mosborough. Harry Gascoigne (my Great Grandad) was the greatest carpenter Mosborough will ever see. Peter Gascoigne was a paratrooper of outstanding merit. Ian Gascoigne....
Ian Gascoigne was as dope-smoking-er, ringlet-sporting-er, reggae-listening-er wigger as you could ever wish to meet. But that was then, the 70s, "we were cooool man".
| Click to see full-size image. |
Since then...
My Father’s greatest achievements in life extend to:- Being the keeper of the jukebox key at University.
- Once being asked for a loan to keep his beloved Sheffield Wednesday afloat.
- Set over set-ing me 300bb deep in '07 thus winning back the pocket money he paid me 1991-1993 in one fell swoop.
- Purchasing a stake in
www.mycardshark.com solely so he could possess a business card that resembled a playing card.
- Getting a haircut and successfully duping many influential people into allowing him to progress his career at St. James' Place solely through talking on the phone with his feet on his desk.
- Siring me. (Pretty sure this is alarmingly low on the list)
Now, through the medium of this ludicrously convoluted quiz I shall call “Father Gascoigne Thinks”, we shall take a journey into the deep, dank recesses of Ian’s brain.
Heaven help us all.
The RulesNew format, almost certain to induce multiple shouts of “Farce”, but it’s simple to adjudicate/score so we’re running with it. Beneath we have 9 questions, each representative of a golf hole. A perfect answer will score a hole in one (-3), a near perfect answer an eagle (-2), a strong answer a birdie (-1), an average answer a par (0), a poor answer a bogey (+1) and a woeful answer a double-bogey (+2). The lenience for each hole can be found beneath the relevant question.
How to Play- Send me your answer to each question by PM by midnight 4th November.
- The Quiz itself, featuring a very special guest appearance, will be run Tuesday 6th November.
- No passes.
- Google yourselves silly, this man’s brain is nothing like common wisdom.
- The winner is the person with the best score after the 10 questions. In the event of a tie-break the winner is the tie-breakee with the greatest number of Hole-in-Ones.
Clear as mud? I shall begin....
1. Back in the day when Father Gascoigne was knee-high to a grasshopper they took exams called “O-levels”. In these exams the grading system ran from 1-6 (1=A, 2=B etc.)
What was the cumulative total of points that Ian received?Hole in One / Eagle (1pts lenience) / Birdie (2-4pts lenience) / Par (5-8pts lenience) / Bogey (9-12pts lenience) / Double-Bogey (13pts+)2. Ian is one of the stalwarts, and indeed biggest winners, in the DTD cashgames. I asked him to name the five toughest players he has played against at the venue.
Name the five players. Alternatively......for those of you who don't know DTD well....who does Ian rate as the top 5 players in world poker?Hole in One (5/5) / Eagle (4/5) / Birdie (3/5) / Par (2/5) / Bogey (1/5) / Double Bogey (0/5)3. Those of you who have tuned into the budding poker commentator’s live-stream broadcasts will know that he spends a lot of time on the road. More Christmas-Special-David-Brent than Kerouac, but I digress.
How many miles does the Father believe his chauffeur he covered in the last 12mths?Hole in One (2k miles lenience) / Eagle (2-4k miles lenience) / Birdie (4-7k miles lenience) / Par (7-10k miles lenience) / Bogey (10-15k miles lenience) / Double Bogey (15k+ miles lenience4. Ian sees himself as sitting in second place in the sartorial stakes only to James Bond. His Facebook profile picture (
https://www.facebook.com/ian.gascoigne.3) proves this:
In light of the recent release of Skyfall, I gave Ian a minute to name as many Bond films as possible. How many did he name?Hole in One (Exact Number) / Eagle (Lenience of 1) / Birdie (Lenience of 2) / Par (Lenience of 3) / Bogey (Lenience of 4) / Double Bogey (5+)5. When the Father isn’t busy swotting up on optimal cut-off 3b ranges against an UTG open in online mid-stakes 6max NL he’s often found shooting the breeze on modern-day politics.
I asked Ian to give Ed Balls a score out of 100 as a person, what score did he give him?Hole in One (2pts lenience)/ Eagle (2-5pts lenience) / Birdie (5-10pts lenience) / Par (10-15pts lenience) / Bogey (15-20pts lenience) / Double Bogey (20pts+)6. They say you should never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. Ian sports a natty range of brogues, go figure.
I asked Ian how long he thinks it would take to walk from Nottingham Gala, where his stunning poker journey began, to DTD. Hole in One (Exact answer) / Eagle (2mins lenience) / Birdie (2-5mins lenience) / Par (5-10mins lenience) / Bogey (10-15mins lenience) / Double Bogey (15mins+)7. My father staunchly denies the accusation that he is spending an increasing amount of time with the “Prawn-Sandwich Brigade” he regularly denounces (hypocritically, imo) on Twitter. (
www.twitter.com/iangas)
To prove how in touch he is with the real world, I asked him therefore how much he would expect it to cost should he pick up a Nando's tab for the two of us before a comp, with him ordering a Chicken Pitta Burger with rice & coleslaw and me ordering a Half Chicken (medium) with chips & coleslaw (standard), with us each having a diet coke.Hole in One (£0.50 lenience) / Eagle (£1 lenience) / Birdie (£2 lenience) / Par (£3 lenience) / Bogey (£5 lenience) / Double Bogey (>£5)8. Father Gascoigne has got an eye for the laaayydies.
I asked my dad (in time-honoured and obligatory forum tradition) to score the below DTD promotional shot in order of preference 1-5.
eg. 1,5,3,2,4.
What is Ian’s order?Hole in One/Eagle (All in correct order) / Birdie (Three correct) / Par (Two correct) / Bogey (One correct) / Double Bogey (None correct)9. Swelled by his recent success ‘In the Booth’ having bubbled the last DTD deepstack, Ian is convinced he has developed something of a cult following within the poker community.
With this in mind, I asked the Father how many entrants he believes this ludicrously tedious quiz will receive...Hole in One (Exact answer) / Eagle (Lenience of 1) / Birdie (Lenience of 3) / Par (Lenience of 6) / Bogey (Lenience of 10) / Double Bogey (10+)The Very Best of British to you all.
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