Eurovision Song Contest 2013

Just done this - began as serious aid memoire to the songs before I just started being rude about the singers.

Denmark - barefoot singer, good, but not the best

Ukraine - V pretty brunette, great singer, song promises more than it delivers

Norway - pretty blonde, quite electro, good modern song, bit too modern?

Russia - Ballad, bit X-Factory, quite dreary.

Azerbaijan - Impressively eyebrowed man, though charisma-free. Boy-band ballad, unmemorable.

Georgia - Boy/girl combo, Dreary ballad, goes nowhere, though with one big note they hold for a while.

Italy - Comedy sideburns and quiff. Starts off super boring, does build to somewhat of a climax once some guitars come in. May be a grower - unfortunately most people will only hear it once as Italy go straight to the final.

Germany - Cascada, may sing out of tune on night. Standard Eurodance number in response to last years winner, though nowhere near as catchy as that.

UK - Bonnie Tyler - a poor song which will be sung badly by someone who was famous a million years ago. Very similar to Englebert Humperdinck, who sank without trace.

Netherlands - Wonderful song, original entry for Eurovision. May need a bit of oomph in performance as it's quite a delicate song.

Sweden - Obv amazing, genuinely catchy and memorable song - very hummable. Big finish as well.

Ireland - Eurodance sung by a boyband reject. A load of nothing.

San Marino - two songs in one, first 2 minutes quite promising big ballad, then changes into up tempo with a moderately big finish. Quite impressive considering the price. Not sung in English though and nearly no one has heard of San Marino.

Greece - Beards in kilts - sound like the Greek Smashmouth. Will stand out as being different. A lot will depend on the staging - will they be comedy fun or comedy annoying?

Finland - If Ke$ha came from Helsinki. Poppy enough, but not quite enough going on. Alsosays 'ding dong' in a way that screams 'shit Eurovision'

Serbia - Three girls get lost on their way to a hen night. Another Eurodance song by numbers, file with the rest.

France - In some ways you have to admire France, they keep putting in idiosyncratic songs which are really quite good but entirely out of place at Eurovision. This is a bluesy song, a bit like something Texas might do. I really like it, but it has no chance of winning.

Belarus - If you liked Kiss Kiss by Holly Valance, then this is whatever the Belarus Lidl version of that is. Will make everyone go 'Oh, this is exactly like that Holly Valance song, except nowhere near as good'

Moldova - Big dress, silly hair. People may remember her as 'that bird with the odd hair'. No one will remember the song.

Malta - Has the lyric 'His name is Jeremy, he works in IT'. Warning - this song contains ukelele. Like Mumford and Sons, except worse. Competing with Azerbaijan guy for Biggest Eyebrows award.

Armenia - Written by Tony Iommi out of Black Sabbath! And yet is terrible.

Hungary - Some twee bollocks

Croatia - Like neutered Il Divo.

Austria - Katie Melua hair. I just finished listening to the song ten seconds ago and can't remember it.

Romania - Appear to have sent a castrato. Halfway through it seems to get remixed by Skrillex for 30 seconds. Most comedy one so far, and yet he's doing it completely seriously.

Estonia - Brunette sings unmemorable ballad.

Slovenia - Someone else who has been listening to Skrillex. Ultra-standard Eurodance underneath though.

Israel - Supernanny does Eurovision. Ballad sung in Hebrew, the language least amenable to singing, due to all the rasps at the back of the throat.

Montenegro - Balkan hiphop with yet more Skrillex.

Belgium - More eyebrows, boring

Iceland - Sabretooth from Xmen has a go at singing the world's most boring ballad.

Lithuania - I've got this far, I have to finish the list. This fucker cannot sing at all.

Switzerland - Has some chugga-chugga guitar underneath it, with does make it stand out a bit. Best of the rags so far.

Albania - If you've always wondered 'I wonder what Nickleback would have been like if they were from Tirana' then wonder no more. They'd be worse than Canadian Nickleback.

Spain - Starts with Bagpipes, puzzlingly. If it was sung in English you'd assume it was an Irish entry. It ends up exactly like a Corrs song.

Bulgaria - More bagpipes?!?

Latvia - Prick in a silver suit. Latvia clearly can't afford to host Eurovision.

Cyprus - Dreary shouty lady with a boxer's nose.

Macedonia - Begins as standard dreary song before being momentarily (but only momentarily) enlivened by appearance of large shouty woman.