UKPC , what to say, what to do

[nirvana]

Just got an email from Sky, they want me to send them a 40 second video clip of myself giving:

My name - easy
My occupation - still easy
How much it cost me to qualify - easy
What it would mean to me to win the UKPC

I think the last answer and progress in the tourn is key to a 40 second slot on Sky Sports. I want to be on Sky Sports so bad, to help me breakthrough into reality TV generally, that I'm looking for suggestions for a good last answer or small performance I could put on.

Ima do anything to get on TV, please help.

[Woodsey]

Tell them Tikay is your hero!

[titaniumbean]

maybe nudity would help?


offer sexual favours as bribes?

[nirvana]

maybe nudity would help?
offer sexual favours as bribes?

I have got an amazing body, hmm

[titaniumbean]

maybe nudity would help?
offer sexual favours as bribes?

I have got an amazing body, hmm

yo sexy and yo kno it

[Tal]

Tell them you missed your daughter's wedding to satellite into the tournament, that your wife left you as a result and you now live in a one bedroom flat in an area of London that's normally on fire, all because you got too focused on realising your dream of meeting Richard Orford. If you can win the UKPC and get a photo of you meeting the man himself, it will mean you complete your set of photos of you with the men who were roving reporters on the Big Breakfast (Cheggers was unsurprisingly straightforward) and completely vindicate you for the sacrifices you have made.


Something like that?

[titaniumbean]

just snorted so hard


fking loved big breakfast!!!


Denise, Kelly, Zoe, Donna. They knew what people wanted to see in the mornings!

[nirvana]

Tell them you missed your daughter's wedding to satellite into the tournament, that your wife left you as a result and you now live in a one bedroom flat in an area of London that's normally on fire, all because you got too focused on realising your dream of meeting Richard Orford. If you can win the UKPC and get a photo of you meeting the man himself, it will mean you complete your set of photos of you with the men who were roving reporters on the Big Breakfast (Cheggers was unsurprisingly straightforward) and completely vindicate you for the sacrifices you have made.

Something like that?

Torn between one mans struggle/success story, mime and pure emo sob story at the moment. But if i go struggle/success I need something like this; sacrifice, name check a sky hero, the inevitable acclaim that will follow

[titaniumbean]

surely just a clip of you going, i'm muthafuking nirvana bitches.


= instant win

[nirvana]

Haha, succinct :-)

[TightEnd]

a spoof of Mr Kendall's weekly updates?

flat cap, bit of hair dye, the odd mannerism, nice taut script jabbing in the right spots.....job done

[Tal]

Take That’s Greatest Day starts in the background

 

“I don’t remember much about my childhood. I was found in a basket aged just six months by a family of travelling hippies. They looked after me as best as they could, but I knew, deep down, I didn’t belong. Maybe it was the fact I washed. Maybe it was my total hatred of the Carpenters. In hindsight, it was probably the constant swearing and my early appreciation of Jack Daniel’s. But that’s not what this is about.”

 

[Shot of you looking wistfully into the distance. Music builds]

“I ran away from the hippies at 14 and the first place I went to was a clairvoyant. I needed to know whether I was ever going to be anyone. I needed to know whether there was a place for me in this world; whether I was wanted. No one could have predicted this: the clairvoyant shop was closed...”



‘Stay close to me....oooooh....’


“I wandered the streets for hours. The rain lashed down as I reached the bottom of another bottle of whiskey. I sat at the edge of Brighton pier when I saw something floating in the sea: a box....”
 

‘Stay close to me...Watch the world come alive tonight...’
 

“It took me ages to open the box. It felt like it had been welded from the inside. It was only after I’d tried a lobster claw, a huge rock and the broken bottle that I realised I was opening it at the hinge end. That was probably the JD. Drink responsibly, kids...”

‘oooohhh’


“It was then that I saw two objects. I had no idea what they meant, but these were the two things that would shape my life finding out: a 25p poker chip and a Sky remote. For twenty years, I’ve tried to find a connection between those two objects, convinced they were a sign of what my life would be. I suppose there’s an irony in me wasting my life trying to find out why two unconnected things would form my destiny, but my best friend died trying to help me and his last words were ‘Don’t let anyone take the mickey’ and I’ll kill again. Sorry, I mean I won’t let anyone take the mickey”
 
‘Stay close to me’

 

“Finally, I saw a man in a flat cap on the telly, while I was eating a chicken pot noodle and flicking between episodes of Gimme Gimme Gimme on Gold and Gold+1. He said that Sky has its own poker channel and that there was a tournament called the UK Championships or something. He then waffled on about a concrete train I think, but I was only half listening as I spilt my pot noodle over my cargo shorts.”

 

‘Today this could be...’


“So, here I am. Qualified through the satellites. Fulfilling my destiny. Everything I’ve ever done has been for this moment, this one chance to prove for once and for all I’m a somebody. This has to be it. My username is nirvana and now you know why.”



[Key change as the first tear rolls down your cheek. The camera pans away]

 

[Tal]

Tbh, I'd spent too long writing that, as when I realised what tight end said was both easier and funnier, I still decided to post it.

[kinboshi]

Tbh, I'd spent too long writing that, as when I realised what tight end said was both easier and funnier, I still decided to post it.

 

You do yourself a disservice.

[nirvana]

Tbh, I'd spent too long writing that, as when I realised what tight end said was both easier and funnier, I still decided to post it.

It might just break the 40 second rule and since this is my 'one time' may have to do a hefty edit.

Penultimate para resonates though except Ima need to replace flat cap with Ryans pearly new (Sky Sports 4 (four)) teeth and we're set