Being a man

[ifm]

1, OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Lightweight. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt?". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When girls have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond: "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the 'em in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk, however, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant, pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike girls, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad woman?"

23, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there and I may be some time.

[I KNOW IT]

Leaving the toilet seat up

[RED-DOG]

Being impressed by very loud or very smelly farts

(especially your own)

[thetank]

Assembling flat pack furniture without the instructions. Utilising a few random fixtures from your big box of miscellaneous bits in the process. Tossing the bits left over back into aforementioned box.

The only help you'll accept from women is asking them to hold a piece of wood steady for much longer than is necessary and having a cuppa brewed up for you.

[The_nun]

I think this is all getting a tad out of hand

[The_nun]

After all.. if vibrators could mow the lawn.. who'd need you....

[Robert HM]

 

[thetank]

I love being a bloke. Great post ifm.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike girls, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

Fishing - Plonking your arse on a lake with yer pal and hardly saying two words to him all day. Both having a kick ass time.

[I KNOW IT]

Being impressed by very loud or very smelly farts

(especially your own)

except Roger Brushs'. they are lethal

[snoopy1239]

I have to confess, I'm not sure that I do any of these. eek 

[The_nun]

So you dont think women can do the same aye Tank... Please don't generalise.. it has taken 41 long years of my life to be who i am now...I

[RED-DOG]

Taking command of the barbeque, burning everything, then pretending to enjoy it

[snoopy1239]

So you dont think women can do the same aye Tank... Please don't generalise.. it has taken 41 long years of my life to be who i am now...I

But surely you're still in your thirties?!

[Robert HM]

After all.. if vibrators could mow the lawn.. who'd need you....

Don't come running to me when your batteries are depleted.












Call me first, make sure I'm in.

[RFC]