"You deserve this"

Yesterday it finally got to me. The day before I had visited my local Tesco and just bought the "usuals". The "usuals" is a completely inappropriate list of foodstuffs to satisfy myself until the next trip.

Part of my list of purchases was a pack of thirty (I know, 30. Specially designed for those who live on their own) two fingered Kit Kats. I thought nothing of it and returned home and unpacked. About three minutes later I was in front of my monitor enjoying my can of coke (of which more later) and one of said two fingers from the individually wrapped pieces of confectionary. It was alright though, there were 29 left. I didn't feel the need to pace myself in KitKat consumption too much.

Imagine my shock when I looked down and saw the following stamped onto the chocolate coating:

"You deserve this. Take a break"

Now hold on a minute. I don't deserve it. My life is a permanent break. Who are they to tell me I deserve it? I'm a tub of lard (not a complete tub of lard, i put a family box of maltesers back before I reached the checkout) who should be nibbling on a piece of lettuce or slicing a cucumber into those annoying thin strips you get on plates at surburban drinks parties.

Between my first two fingered Kit Kat and my second, which I resisted for two hours, I did the following:

1. Opened one cash table
2. Played 3 SNGs
3. One of which was a turbo Pot Limit Hi Lo in error. My strategy consisted of going all in any time I got dealt A2xx and then relying on the chat box to tell me whether I had won the hand or not.
4. Browsed Blonde
5. Checked e-mails
6. Blocked Poppet on MSN.
7. Again.

So by the time I got round to my second one what exactly did I deserve? What was I taking a break from? I was buggered if I knew.

I can see Rowntree's (now part of Nestle) point though. Most people in their right minds buying a 30 pack of two fingered KitKats will either be a) catering for a party of six year olds or b) buying them to put in the office kitchen before distributing them to all staff below Pay Grade D(2)II at break time. In either scenario I can imagine appreciating the thought of those kind hearted confectioners. I would indeed feel like I deserved it.

However I'm not in my right mind. I'm a compulsively addicted ever so slightly mad nutter. At least I know it.

Which brings me onto my next point.

Coca Cola

Its the "Real Thing"

Well excuse me but it may be the "Real Thing" compared to own label cola but "Real"? I can understand that sobriquet on a bottle of spring water but feel personally a more appropriate branding for this drink is as follows

" We will get you addicted to caffeine, you know it's awful stuff but you won't be able to stop"

I am now about to crack open another can. I daren't tell you how many empty cans are littering my study. Oh alright then, 23. I am exaggerating for comic effect of course. The number was actually 19.

By the by the Chief Excutive officer of Coca Cola inc is called Douglas Daft. I can just imagine the scene a few years back. Sales Rep goes into Spar in Skegness for the first time with the new innovation "Cherry coke" He has his first line rehearsed in his head and out it comes :

"Morning Mr Smith, can I interest you in a free trial of our new innovative and exciting caffeine addiction product? Its a daft idea"

Does anyone know where I can buy a sodastream machine? Not quite sure why the thought entered my head, but I remember visiting my grandparents in the mid 1970s and the highlight of the expectation I felt at the prospect of seeing them was knowing they had a sodastream machine.

For my younger readers the sodastream experience was one of immense satisfaction for a nine year old and involved the following:

Pick up empty sodastream bottle
Fill to "maximum" mark with tap water
Add flavoured concentrate to top of Sodastream system (a white plastic and metal box in essence)
Place bottle in correct spot under sodastream mechaism
Pull lever
Wait
When system makes noise eerily equivalent to letting off a surreptious fart and getting away with it, remove bottle
Drink
Repeat as necessary

Now the whole point was it tasted awful. Imagine dentists wash your mouth out fluid, only fizzy...but I loved it.

Sort of finally, I need to vent about something else. Who has bought "Stayfresh bread"? I did.

I tell you what, I don't know what was pumped into that dough but I felt like I was eating neat chemicals. Wow! Disgusting, unhealthy yet strangely addictive. My perfect food.

I wondered who came up with that marketing idea. I suppose most bread stays fresh for a couple of days as long as you wrap the packaging appropriately after use. It was time for a little controlled experiment. One slice of "Stayfresh" bread, a slice of wholemeal (which I buy for my healthier moments) and a slice of regular white sliced.

You are right, I live on my own and I had three loaves of bread on the go at once. Yes I know, spot the theme running through this post.

Back to the experiment. I reckoned I could leave a slice on the Kitchen counter overnight and test whether the "Stayfresh" bread did indeed stay,er, fresh.

I ensured that my experiment had clinicial trial rigour by turning the central heating up full and compensating for throwing my bedroom windows open wide for the night. That's my contribution to saving the planet over with then.

In the morning (alright, early afternoon) I awoke with tremulous excitement and bounded down the stairs. Sure enough the slice of wholemeal and simple white were hard as a board. Now then "Stayfresh", should be as good as new right?

No! Stale! Inedible! I repeat! No!

This troubled me enormously. What on earth was the point of "Stayfresh" bread, which tasted like your school science experiment eaten neat, if one couldn't leave the loaf unwrapped overnight in case the top slice became stale? Possibly the point is that after five days you can still eat it? Well I didn't want to eat it bought straight off the shelf so that rather debunks that, because the chemicals designed to prevent mould made it virtually inedible in the first place. Just alluringly so, unfortunately.

As you can tell, the world rather baffles me sometimes. The advertising world in particular.

I actually lie awake at night pondering this sort of stuff. It's just after 8am now and I had to get up and do a post. Therapeutic I say

Better go before I get started on the next thing:

Hovis White Crusty Loaf

Advertising on packaging

"A tempting soft white loaf with a crisp tasty crust"

Its not crisp and tasty you Hovis morons, it's Stale. They are selling you a bog standard white loaf with a "tempting" stale crust.

Complete and utter madness.

Goodnight.