blonde poker forum

We're overdue for a bizarre game methinks.

Ask a job interview style question, and the next poster has to answer it using a film quote.
(then ask another random job interview style question for the next poster)

etc etc, that sort of bollox
Clever points will be awarded if someone is particularly funny and/or clever.




Example, someone might ask.....

Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?

The poster might then answer...

One word for you, plastics

Or someone might ask......

How would you get to work each day?

and the next poster says something like..

gonna need a bigger boat


These wouldn't be likely to recieve any clever points, but you get the idea. I'll start us off with a question...

Why have you decided to leave your last job?

You want the truth?  You cant Handle the truth!!

What do you know about the company?

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

What are your strengths?

I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am.

What could you offer to the company?

My soul, woman, I give you three murders and you're still not satisfied.

How would you describe yourself in three words?

Goddam Sexual Tyrannosaurus


How flexible are you at weekends ?

3 barrels .........she cant stay down with 3 barrels





who are the Warriors?

bueller.......bueller..bueller


Do u see this as a job or a vocation?

Get it straight buster - I'm not here to say please, I'm here to tell you what to do and if self-preservation is an instinct you possess you'd better fucking do it and do it quick! I'm here to help - if my help's not appreciated then lotsa luck, gentlemen.

What previous experience do you have?

'We rob banks"

Tell us about a difficult situation that you encountered and how you resolved it.

A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.



Do you have any friends/relatives who work for this company?

met colchester kev looking straight ahead ,taped him on the back of his head ,back to normal .

how do you know you can do this job.

I'm the king of the world, woo hoo hoo!

How long do you plan on working here?

Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?

Houston, we have a problem.

Whats more important to you , Money or respect?

If the money's there, we do not care? What kinda a life philosophy is that man!

Tell me about your hobbies or interests.

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. To me, being a gangster was better than being President of the United States.



To many, this is a simple paper clip. Hmm, but let me ask you, what would you create from it......... shoot !

You know what, I got my five grand here, and that's just fine by me. I'm going home.


Tell us about an unsuccessful team of which you were a member. What, if anything, could you have done differently?

Harry didn't think that he did a very good job, so he grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which just so happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock, and proceeded to beat poor old Smithy to death with. And that was seen as a nice way to go.

If you were the boss here what would you change?

Are you talkin to me? Are you talkin to me? Well I dont see no one else here so I guess you must be talkin to me!

Why did you leave your last position?

all train compartments smell vaguely of shit. It gets so you don't mind it. That's the worst thing that I can confess. You know how long it took me to get there? A long time. When you die you're going to regret the things you don't do. You think you're queer? I'm going to tell you something: we're all queer. You think you're a thief? So what? You get befuddled by a middle-class morality? Get shut of it. Shut it out. You cheat on your wife? You did it, live with it. You fuck little girls, so be it. There's an absolute morality? Maybe. And then what? If you think there is, go ahead, be that thing. Bad people go to hell? I don't think so. If you think that, act that way. A hell exists on earth? Yes. I won't live in it. That's me.


Why should I hire you?

"Envy is hatred without a cure my lord Sheriff"


How many words per minute can you type?

I would have stayed for two thousand.

Whats your greatest asset?

My wallet, it's the one that says "Bad Motherf**ker" on it!

How would you get to work?

“I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.”


What sort of strategy would you use against our competitors?

No matter how big a guy was, Nicky would take him on. You beat Nicky with fists, he comes back with a bat, you beat him with a knife, he comes back with a gun, and if you beat him with a gun, you better kill him, 'cause he'll be coming back and back, until one of you is dead.

Do you have any Questions you would like to ask me ?

if theres something strange  ;gobsmacked; in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call??.................:)


can you give me an example of when you have used your negotiation skills to have a 'win win' situation?

Armed robbery and it wasent the first time all i did was point my sorn off at the cashiers face an said give me all the money or you die so he did i got all the money he got an early finish.



If there was anything about youreself you could improve a little on what would it be?


 4h  Kh Nutzzzz

I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.


Can you explain the long gaps in your employment record?

Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, Chief. We was comin' back from the island of Tinian to Leyte... just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. Didn't see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger. 13-footer. You know how you know that when you're in the water, Chief? You tell by looking from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know, was our bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin', so we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know, it was kinda like old squares in the battle like you see in the calendar named "The Battle of Waterloo" and the idea was: shark comes to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the shark go away... but sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark he looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. And, you know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all the poundin' and the hollerin', they all come in and they... rip you to pieces. You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don't know how many sharks, maybe a thousand. I know how many men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday morning, Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boatswain's mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up, down in the water just like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he'd been bitten in half below the waist. Noon, the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Ventura saw us. He swung in low and he saw us... he was a young pilot, a lot younger than Mr. Hooper. Anyway, he saw us and he come in low and three hours later a big fat PBY comes down and starts to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened... waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went in the water; 316 men come out and the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb.

( :) I love Jaws)



How would you deal with an abusive customer?

"FRANKLY, MY DEAR, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN"



What would you do if faced withsome sexual harrasment?


 4h  Kh Nutzzzz

You Had Me At Hello!

What do you think you will bring to the team?

style, flash, pizzazz; a little coke money doesn't hurt nobody

What kind of salary were you on at your last job?

ONE MIIIIIIILLLLLIIIIIIIIIOOON DOLLARS.

What kind of working hours would be amenable to you?

Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week to throw my money away. That's wasteful. These bills are strictly for me to kiss... and put in some stripper's underwear.

If you noticed one of your colleagues doing something underhand at work, how would you deal with it?

Come hither, cover'd with an antic face, to fleer and scorn at our solemnity?
Now, by the stock and honour of my kin, to strike him dead, I hold it not a sin.




Why arn't you wearing any trousers?

Charlie Don't Surf

If you were granted 3 wishes what would be your first? (you can see what type of interviews I've been to ;) )

What I want - what's most important to me - is that I have a guarantee: No more attempts on my father's life.


How do you feel about occasionally having to work abroad?

Shut up you long streak of paralysed piss!! what I'm looking for is someone who can contribute to what England has given the world; culture, sophistication; genius, little bit more than an hotdog, know what i mean?

Do you have a criminal record?

 Back home, they put me in jail for what I'm doing. Here, they give me awards.



If you could be an animal, which would you choose?

If I were Chief Firedog, I'd declare a hydrant for every dog! I'd be the envy of all my fellow canines


Give me an example of a time when you have used your initiative

"If it bleeds, we can kill it."


What are you greatest strengths?

I don't mind a reasonable amount of trouble.


And a "question quote" to be a total anorak at this sort of thing....

Have you ever retired a human by mistake?

'Is this to be an empathy test? Capillary dilation of the so-called blush response? Fluctuation of the pupil. Involuntary dilation of the iris...'

Give me an example of an exceptional piece of work that you were responsible for.

S.D. Plissken, Special Forces unit Black Light. Two Purple Hearts, Leningrad and Siberia. Youngest man to be decorated by the President


Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about... your mother.

That thing in the cellar's not my mother!

What is your major malfunction?

I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.


So you never wanted a regular type life?

What the fuck is that, barbeque's and baseball games?

This regular type life, this your life?

 My life's a disaster zone

Who killed my sister? Who killed the Witch of the East? Was it you?

I'm on a mission from God.

As a test of observation look at these items. A hammer, an apple, a spoon, a cup and a candle. I'll take a one away.
Now, which one is missing?

There is no spoon.

So, What experience do you have with using our deep fat fryers here at this fast food establishment?

"My powers have doubled since the last time we met, Count."



Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?

The truth is that I'm a bad person. But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.

This man [points to the man next to him, who happens to be colchester kev and is midway through devouring a large fray bentos pie] will be your immediate superior.

Do you feel you could work well together?

Looks at kev,

Sigh i picked a bad day to give up amphetamines!


Do you consider yourself a team player?

"I do feel, Reg, that any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base."

What would you say is your biggest fault?

Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy.

Intent? How did you establish that?

 : When a man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross!











what does this ink blot represent to you?

That's no moon, it's a space station!




Erm, do you need any badges?

We don't need no steenkin' badges.

You may be required to work in our delivery yard, what is your understanding of the white zone/red zone regulations?

What have the Romans ever done for us???


Are you flexible regarding weekends?

I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.
And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile at my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

: May I see your rental agreement.

I threw it away.

: Oh boy.

Oh boy what?

: You're fucked!





can you operate a fax machine?

"According to Cocteau's plan, I'm the enemy, 'cause I like to think, I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech, and freedom of choice. I'm the kinda guy that likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecue ribs with the side-order of gravy fries?" I want high cholesterol! I wanna eat bacon, and butter, and buckets of cheese, okay?! I wanna smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section! I wanna run naked through the street, with green Jell-O all over my body, reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly may feel the need to, okay, pal?"

Have you worked with animals previously?

Get up, boy. I bet you can squeal. I bet you can squeal like a pig.





what do you do in your free time?

Voodoo magic man, f**kin' voodoo magic.

What sort of company car would you be after?

It's got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it's got cop tyres, cop suspension, cop shocks, it was a model made before catalytic convertors so it'll run good on regular gas.


Do you play golf?

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.


Is it ever morally right to break the law?

When I see five weirdos stabbing a guy in broad daylight, I shoot the bastards. That's my policy.

Do you know what a dictophone is?

You talking to me, are you talking to me.

whats your stance on working under a female boss?

In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns



Are there any training courses you would interested in applying for?

will you teach me to football?

what question would you ask if you were in my seat?

"Who's more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him?"

Would working the occasional weekend cause a problem for you?

"Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't get in a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, I don't pick up the phone, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don't fucking roll!

Shomer shabbos!


----


Are you prepared to make tea and coffee if required?

Each time I tell myself it's the last time, but then I get a whiff of her hot chocolate



what salary are you looking for?

i want fifty million dollars, a chopper to the airport and a plane fully fuelled ready to fly to a non-extraditon county of my choice and no funny business.

Are you happy organising the office christmas party?

"No sir, I'm just off to a fancy dress party. I'm going as Lady Hamilton's pussy."

Will the commute be a problem for you?

 I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure



do you have any special dietary needs?

royale with cheese

why did you leave your last job?

The hardest thing is deciding what I should tell you and what not to


what would be your dream job?

That would be an ecumenical matter!

Why is it you want to be a Roadsweeper?

It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied

This job is customer facing. Are you good at dealing with the public?

 :redcard:

Blackadder - send him off!!!!

Mind u it's blackadder....upon closer examination of the evidence the FA reduce the penalty.

 ;yellowcard;

As you were...

I'm sorry Sir. The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

Any religious holidays we should know about?

"Look.  You've got it all wrong.  You don't need to follow me.  You don't need to follow anybody!  You've got to think for yourselves.  You're all individuals!"

Is there any history of long-term illness?

Old have I become - old and weak!

Who else have you worked for?

I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. Go back to the shadow. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun! You shall not pass!

Do you have your own transport?

No


Would you like a cup of tea?

A bourbon with a beer chaser.

Can you explain the 12 months gap in your work history?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

What achievements have you, er, achieved in your previous jobs?

I went to Washington again, and I got to meet the President of the United States again.



Are you good with animals?

Yes.

The job involves overseas travel.  Can you provide an example of a country you've visited and why it sticks in your memory?

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.




Would you consider another position within the Company?

(http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:VLPG3fJLf4YcoM:http://www.spaghettiwesterns.com.ar/LeeVanCleef.JPG)

Maybe.


Do you have any references we can contact?

General Kenobi. Years ago, you served my father in the Clone Wars; now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person; but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to Alderaan has failed. I've placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope.


Can you start on Monday?

Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla exercise. From seven to eight Ulla take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?





Are you able to undertake international travel at potentially short notice?