Happy Birthday Dad love you xxxx

www.floydsuk.com try them.

Hi Dad,

Don't know when I will see you, but you will probably see this??

Happy Birthday for Sunday.

Love you

your Number 1!xx
Em xx

  Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
>are flat?
>
>  Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
>is not enough?
>
>  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
>stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
>
>  Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
>
>  Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
>
>  Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>
>  Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
>throw a revolver at him?
>
>  Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>
>  Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
>
>  What is the speed of darkness?
>
>  Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the
>Special Olympics?
>
>  If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as
>cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
>
>  If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
>
>  If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others
>doing here?
>
>  Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem
>longer?
>
>  If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it
>a hostage situation
>
>  How important does a person have to be before they are considered
>assassinated instead of just murdered?
>
>  If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
>
>  Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
>
>  How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
>be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>
>  Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
>like every two hours?
>
>  If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
>
>
>  Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
>binoculars to look at things on the ground?
>
>  Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
>you naked anyway
>

Sorry, For posting the same.

Here is some more....
TOP 5 SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR 2004...

Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When
the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

AND NOW........FOR.................THE..........#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF
THE YEAR 2004........................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head
and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Hi all,

Friday again~( Yippee) So  here is some More Friday afternoon humour! Enjoy.
Letters to the editor that were never published

 

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this

summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports

Personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with

a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up

about it makes me proud to be British.

 

Ben Hunt

 

 

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like

to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He

hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

 

P, Leeds

 

 

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart

disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long

and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their

minds up.

 

John

 

 

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

 

Colum Hill

 

 

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a

mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around

two million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust

the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by

DHL next day delivery.

 

L Palmer, London

 

 

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates

goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal

record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the

law, so will I.

 

P Boddington, Ringway

 

 

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well

as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as

slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a

belt.

 

Paul Mulraney, Belfast

 

 

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the

final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct

answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson

with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I told the answer

was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises

immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst

holidaying with one's family?

 

Noel, Leeds

 

 

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board

cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to

make than this?

 

Alun Daniel

 

 

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping

his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own

drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.

 

Alan Thakray

 

 

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia

have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never

been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

 

Alan J., London

 

 

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland

ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with

young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.

 

T Barnham, London

 

 

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns

and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on that muslim cleric Abu

Hamsa?

 

Les Barnsley

 

 

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million

selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football

match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich

and another for the poor.

 

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

 

 

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain,

a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it

a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

 

John Campbell, e-mail.

 

 

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about

Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies

for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

 

Mike Woods, e-mail.

 

 

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try

to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis

in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he

played hide and seek with them.

 

Shuggie, Email

 

 

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the

exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope

that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of

humour.

 

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

 

 

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly

took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this

taking gloating just a little too far?

 

Dave Owen, Edinburgh

 

 

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I

was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown

"da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.

 

Tripod

 

 

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is

Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

 

Stan

 

 

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the

world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

 

Thomas J

 

I have a Olympus FE170, fantastic! 6.0 Mega Pixel, Superb quality.

Definitely recommend and only £85.00

Hi all

Thought this make your Friday go a bit faster?
Letters to the editor that were never published

 

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this

summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports

Personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with

a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up

about it makes me proud to be British.

 

Ben Hunt

 

 

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like

to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He

hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

 

P, Leeds

 

 

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart

disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long

and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their

minds up.

 

John

 

 

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

 

Colum Hill

 

 

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a

mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around

two million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust

the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by

DHL next day delivery.

 

L Palmer, London

 

 

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates

goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal

record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the

law, so will I.

 

P Boddington, Ringway

 

 

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well

as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as

slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a

belt.

 

Paul Mulraney, Belfast

 

 

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the

final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct

answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson

with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I told the answer

was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises

immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst

holidaying with one's family?

 

Noel, Leeds

 

 

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board

cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to

make than this?

 

Alun Daniel

 

 

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping

his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own

drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.

 

Alan Thakray

 

 

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia

have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never

been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

 

Alan J., London

 

 

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland

ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with

young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.

 

T Barnham, London

 

 

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns

and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on that muslim cleric Abu

Hamsa?

 

Les Barnsley

 

 

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million

selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football

match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich

and another for the poor.

 

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

 

 

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain,

a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it

a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

 

John Campbell, e-mail.

 

 

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about

Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies

for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

 

Mike Woods, e-mail.

 

 

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try

to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis

in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he

played hide and seek with them.

 

Shuggie, Email

 

 

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the

exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope

that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of

humour.

 

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

 

 

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly

took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this

taking gloating just a little too far?

 

Dave Owen, Edinburgh

 

 

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I

was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown

"da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.

 

Tripod

 

 

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is

Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

 

Stan

 

 

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the

world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

 

Thomas J

 

How Does that work?

Low salary or not,

If you find the rigt person, and they love the job........than they will never work again!

it would have to be Robert De Niro, Nicholas Cage, and Maybe John Travolta, but Hopkins is fantastic too.

>>
>>
>>>A little Irish humour - Some old, some new.
>>>
>>>
>>>   A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
>>> "I
>>>almost had an affair with another woman."
>>>The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
>>>The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
>>>I
>>>stopped."
>>>The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
>>>not
>>>to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
>>>$50
>>>in the poor box."
>>>The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
>>>over
>>>to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The
>>>priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
>>>You
>>>didn't put any money in the poor box!"
>>>The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
>>>according
>>>to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
>>>
>>>
>>>   _____
>>>
>>>
>>>There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
>>>entering
>>>the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
>>>The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
>>>The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
>>>to
>>>me seven times."
>>>The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass
>>>and drink the juice."
>>>The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
>>>The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
>>>
>>>   _____
>>>
>>>
>>>A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
>>>sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
>>>beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say
>>>that
>>>before, so she stayed by his side.
>>>A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."
>>>The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
>>>"cute."
>>>She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
>>>The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
>>>
>>>
>>>   _____
>>>
>>>
>>>Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
>>>company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
>>>asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
>>>creature?"
>>>Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
>>>animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
>>>there's
>>>no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
>>>creature."
>>>Muldoon said,
>>>"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to
>>>them
>>>for the service?"
>>>Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
>>>tell
>>>me the dog was Catholic?"
>>>
>>>   _____
>>>
>>>
>>>An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
>>>ensues:
>>>
>>>Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
>>>children,
>>>grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
>>>college
>>>girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
>>>three times."
>>>Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
>>>Man: "What sins?"
>>>Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
>>>Man: "I'm Jewish."
>>>Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
>>>Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."
>>>
>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
>> -
>>>----------------------
>>>A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
>>>pest-control
>>>company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when
>>>her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the
>>>lover,
>>>"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
>>>The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
>>>discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
>>>"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
>>>"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
>>>"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
>>>replied.
>>>"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
>>>The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."

I thought I would join in.

Casino
Pulp Fiction
Green Mile
Blues Brothers
Green Street.
American History x

See NOT just the birthday person.

Maybe I just needed to wait.. But as you can see I am not very patient, hence a day early.

Aces,

Happy Birthday for tommorow.