The Legend of the Poker Translator:
A few months ago at the Gala, I was sitting at the bar when a mysterious cloaked man approached me.
?Wanna be amazed?? he asked quietly. He held out his hand to reveal a small gadget resting in his palm. ?This is the Poker Translator,? he proclaimed, ?and it will translate any gibberish that comes out of your opponents? mouths.?
?Poppcock!? I exclaimed.
The man looked at me menacingly. ?I urge you to give it a go. You will not be dissatisfied.?
After initially brushing him aside as nothing more than a madman, I succumbed to the man?s persuasive nature and decided to pop in one of the earpieces. He directed me towards a couple of old geezers emerged in conversation, and this is what I heard:
Old Geezer #1 ? ?How?s your luck been recently??
Old Geezer #2 ? ?My luck has been fine, it?s my play that?s been dismal. I?m an incredibly poor player who has been in denial for the last 40 years?
Old Geezer #1 ? ?Me too. Admittedly, I get the odd bad beat, but no more than anyone else.?
Old Geezer #2 ? ?I had aces cracked last night.?
Old Geezer #1 ? 'Oh that is unlucky.'
Old Geezer #2 ? ?Not particularly. I slowplayed them and got caught with my pants down. I deserved everything I got.?
I?d heard enough. I removed the ear-piece and dipped into my wallet. However, to my surprise, the man had mysteriously vanished, leaving his poker translator behind.
At this point, I decided to set out on a field trip, visiting various poker casinos and trying to find out what my new found possession could do. Looking forward to what secrets I might unearth, I embarked on a voyage of poker discovery. These are some of my most frequent findings:
1.?You were ahead anyway.? ? I had the best hand but I?m too ashamed to admit that I was outplayed and bluffed off the pot.
2.?I had to call.? ? I didn?t have to call at all and should have folded.
3.?I know I?m behind but?? ? I haven?t got a clue where I stand, but I don?t like folding, so?
4.?I was pot committed.? ? I can?t find any other excuse for making that shoddy call.
5.?Sorry.? ? I?m glad I won and I hope I take more of your lovely chips in the future.
6.?I broke even for the day? ? I?m down for the day.
7.?I?m up for the day? ? I broke even for the day.
8.?I?m a few quid down for the day? ? I?ve just lost my house, car, wife and the shirt off my back.
9.?I?ll pay you back when I can.? ? I?ll put you in my will.
10. ?I had a read on him?. ? I guessed and got lucky. I couldn?t read a book.
11.?Shall we do a saver for 11th?? ? Please have mercy. I?m in 11th position and have had 10 rebuys.
12.?Good fold.? ? Thank God you folded.
13.?Sorry, I didn?t realise the blinds had gone up.? ? Darn. I thought no-one had noticed that the blinds had gone up.
14.?Good luck all.? ? I hope you all suffer a horrific run of cards.
15.?I?ll let you have it this time.? ? I had no intention of calling and you?ll probably be able to take the pot off me again next time.
16.?Just one more hand.? ? I?ll finish when the casino kicks me out.
17.?New deck, please.? ? I am on a bad run and my last hope is that the cardroom manager brings over a magic deck that deals me the nuts every hand.
18.?I?ll be back as soon as I exit the comp, love.? ? If I go out early, I?m either heading straight to the cash game, or straight to the bar.
19.?I?m quitting poker!? ? Same time tomorrow, boys?
20.Tikay: ?I?m in my 40s??
At this point the poker translator just went crazy, caught fire and exploded. Just one too many lies I guess.
Has anyone else come across this gadget? What giblets of information did you find?
By the way, the mysterious man looked a little like Julian. Hmm. Would explain his quiet demeanour at the table and how he always manages to get our chips.
Ps. Apologies to anyone who was hoping for a serious anecdote about a real poker gadget.
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