For Robert's viewing pleasure!

[Royal Flush]

Pulled this of the P4C Forum




These are from a book called ' Disorder in the American Courts', and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were taking place!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
ATTORNEY: But nevertheless could the patient have still been alive?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[Robert HM]

 

[Colchester Kev]

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
ATTORNEY: But nevertheless could the patient have still been alive?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

I think i have just wet meself 

[The Baron]

Actually made me laugh out loud.

[TightEnd]

oral.


next question.....


ROFPMSL

[Teacake]

PMSL

Dontcha just love Americans 

[Junior Senior]

excellent!

[ariston]

excellent!

Mr burns? Not seen smithers for a while- is he still a blondite?
Great thread btw

[Rod Paradise]

I've heard a few dodgy ones from this side of the pond as well.

Best one was the girl from a rougher part of Ayrshire - being quizzed ina benefits hearing about the father of her latest offspring.....

"Are you sure you can't remember the name of your child's father?"

Reply "Listen, when you eat a tin of beans you don't know which one makes you fart."

[-bw-]

Quality 

[dik9]

AMERICANS LOL

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS; Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS; Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

CANADIANS; Negative, You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS; This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS; No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERCIANS; This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with 3 Destroyers, 3 Cruisers and numerous support vesels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees to the North. I say again, thats one-five degrees North, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS; This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Div]

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship...

It's funny, but unfortunately false.

http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm

I do wish it was true though!!

[dik9]

That site is just an American defense to the sticky situation!! LOL Oh well >:? I feel silly now!

[Bongo]

The link to snopes reminded me of this absolute classic:

http://www.snopes.com/crime/cops/burger.asp

[The Camel]

Hey Bongo!

Your link doesn't work.

Can you repost please mate?