Jokes Post

[4KingNutz]

Young boy says to his dad whats the difference between theoreticly and realisticly so the dad say "this is a tricky one ok i got it go ask youre mum if she will sleep with the milkman for 1 million pound so the boy go's away and asks his mum and returns to his dad and says "mum said yes" so the dad then says "go and ask youre sister if she will sleep with the postman for 2 million pound" so once again the boy go's and ask then comes back and says " she said yes" the dad replies "well theoreticley we are sitting on 3 million pound realisticley we are living with a couple of tarts".

[FlyingPig]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."

[le kipppperrrrrr]

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat.
As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the
plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo!
She took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,
"Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said
"Business".
I'm going
to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ".

He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk
some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African
American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers,
when actually it is the men of Irish descent are the best.

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm
sorry," she said "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I
don't even know your name."



"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Murphy"

[Newmanseye]

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat.
As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the
plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo!
She took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,
"Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said
"Business".
I'm going
to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ".

He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk
some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African
American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers,
when actually it is the men of Irish descent are the best.

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm
sorry," she said "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I
don't even know your name."



"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Murphy"

 

[Geo the Sarge]

Johnny was in his bedroom looking out of his window into the farmers field behind his house, his mother was entertaining the vicar with tea and biscuits.

“Mum, mum !!” shouts Johnny  “come and look at this”

“Johnny, I’m busy with the vicar just now, what is it?”

“The big black bull has just f&**ed the big black cow!”

“Johnny!,  what language, you mean the big black bull has just  “surprised” the big black cow”

A week later and again the vicar is visiting and Johnny’s at the window

“mum, mum, the big black bull is at it again”

“Now Johnny, you be careful what you say”

“But mum, the big black bull has just “surprised” the big black cow”

“That’s better Johnny, well done”…………………………….


………………………“aye, he walked right past her and f&**ed the big brown cow!!!”

[taximan007]

Johnny was in his bedroom looking out of his window into the farmers field behind his house, his mother was entertaining the vicar with tea and biscuits.

“Mum, mum !!” shouts Johnny  “come and look at this”

“Johnny, I’m busy with the vicar just now, what is it?”

“The big black bull has just f&**ed the big black cow!”

“Johnny!,  what language, you mean the big black bull has just  “surprised” the big black cow”

A week later and again the vicar is visiting and Johnny’s at the window

“mum, mum, the big black bull is at it again”

“Now Johnny, you be careful what you say”

“But mum, the big black bull has just “surprised” the big black cow”

“That’s better Johnny, well done”…………………………….


………………………“aye, he walked right past her and f&**ed the big brown cow!!!”

 

[Newmanseye]

Knowing American History

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Lets begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "Im gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, Ill kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, were in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck"!

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"

[4KingNutz]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[matt674]

Told it before - but its the only one i know that i can get away with (apologies if any pandas are offended!)

One night there was a panda who was feeling rather amorous and as there was a shortage of female pandas he decided to head down to the local red light district. He approached a few of the "locals" without much joy but eventually he persuaded one of the prostitutes to take him back to her flat. Eventually they arrive at the flat but before they begin the Panda asks for a favour.

"I'm really, really hungry - all this walking has taken it out of me, would it be possible to get something to eat first to build my stamina back up". The prostitute cant believe the cheek but eventually agrees and rustles up a plate of egg and chips. The panda wolfes the lot down, hardly pausing to chew on it.

After finishing the food they make their way to the bedroom and the panda proceeds to give the prostitute the best time of her life, she has orgasm after orgasm in a marathon session - eventually after about 5 hours the panda lets out a moan as he finishes the job. He instantly gets up, puts on his panda clothes and makes his way towards the door.

"Whoooaaaaa" the prostitute pants, still recovering. "where do you think your going, what about my money?".

"What money?" says the panda "i've finished now i'm off home". The prositiute summons up the last of her energy and walks (somewhat bow-legged) over to the bookcase where she pulls out a dictionary and flicks it open at the letter P.

"Prostitute" she starts "one who offers sexual intercourse in return for payment". The panda takes the dictionary off her, turns back a couple of pages and replies.

"Panda - Eats shoots and leaves".......

[Zebediah]

Told it before - but its the only one i know that i can get away with (apologies if any pandas are offended!)

One night there was a panda who was feeling rather amorous and as there was a shortage of female pandas he decided to head down to the local red light district. He approached a few of the "locals" without much joy but eventually he persuaded one of the prostitutes to take him back to her flat. Eventually they arrive at the flat but before they begin the Panda asks for a favour.

"I'm really, really hungry - all this walking has taken it out of me, would it be possible to get something to eat first to build my stamina back up". The prostitute cant believe the cheek but eventually agrees and rustles up a plate of egg and chips. The panda wolfes the lot down, hardly pausing to chew on it.

After finishing the food they make their way to the bedroom and the panda proceeds to give the prostitute the best time of her life, she has orgasm after orgasm in a marathon session - eventually after about 5 hours the panda lets out a moan as he finishes the job. He instantly gets up, puts on his panda clothes and makes his way towards the door.

"Whoooaaaaa" the prostitute pants, still recovering. "where do you think your going, what about my money?".

"What money?" says the panda "i've finished now i'm off home". The prositiute summons up the last of her energy and walks (somewhat bow-legged) over to the bookcase where she pulls out a dictionary and flicks it open at the letter P.

"Prostitute" she starts "one who offers sexual intercourse in return for payment". The panda takes the dictionary off her, turns back a couple of pages and replies.

"Panda - Eats shoots and leaves".......

Poor effort monkey, get back to the tv ads!!!

[Wardonkey]

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the
Occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and
after some minutes a stewardess approaches.

Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man".
Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you."
"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot. "A double whisky and coke,
bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot.

The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink,
which he snatches without a word. "Excuse me," says the man, "but I
ordered a coffee". "Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight
away". By which time the parrot has finished his drink.

"Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot. "Yeah, I
want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can't wait
all night!"

Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the
coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any
service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger. 'Listen here
you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee
and I want it now, you cow!"

Two minutes later the stewardess returns but this time with two enormous
security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the
back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.

As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot
turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of lippy for someone who can't
fly, aren't you!"

[Colchester Kev]

I went to visit my grandads grave at the cemetery the other day. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. An hour later they were still walking around with it. I thought to myself "Those F***ers have lost the plot"

[ACE2M]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the
place where they first met. Sitting in a cafe, the little old man says,
"Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe,
went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from
behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady
with a grin. "Well", said the little old man, "for old time's sake, let's
go there again, and I'll give you one from behind."

Without them knowing, the young man sitting next to them had overheard the
conversation and smiled to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to
see two old pensioners at it.

He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near
the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her
dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, the
little old lady reaches for the fence. What follows is 40 minutes of the
most athletic sex the young man has ever seen. The little old man is
banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described
as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and
they do not stop for a single second.

Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that
equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his
own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself,
"I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone
in 50 years time!"

By this time the two old pensioners have recovered and dressed themselves.
 Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioners. He says,
"Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that,
particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50
years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence
wasn't electrified!"

[AndrewT]

An English teacher asks her class to use the word contagious in a sentence.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.'

'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

Little Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.'

[bolt pp]

Out in the Kalahari Desert theres a Lion fu**ing a zebra.

Half way through another zebra comes over the hill at which point the zebra says to the Lion "that's my wife, pretend you're killing me".