Business deal advice....

[action man]

class rod

[OatFedGoat]

You sir are a man of supreme wit.

Hope he replies again soon

[JungleCat03]

Oh no,

He hasn't written back

Must be a busy job pulling off transatlantic scams. Oh well, maybe we can convince him the situation is more critical than he realises...




My dearest David,

I write to you with a heavy heart, tears in my eyes and asda supersaver mascara staining my cheeks.
I'm sorry to confide in you, but I don't know who else to tell...

Tonight a terrible tragedy happened...

I was cleaning the house when I found something under the bed which shook my world to its very foundations. Secreted away under our marital bed, I found a suitcase containing a hawaiian shirt, a ticket to honolulu airport, a small bird cage large enough for a  pigeon and a tub of vaseline.

There can be no doubt...Peter, my husband, was clearly planning to elope with Speckled Jim! I suppose the clues have always been there...the loving way he kisses him good night on the beak, the speckled feathers I often find in his boxer shorts and perhaps his insistence on playing the birdy song and forceful suggestions I dress up as Big Bird off Sesame Street while we make love should have rung more bells. God, I've been so blind, so blind and stupid!

I felt numb at this discovery and found myself fetching a kitchen knife and approaching the cage of my new found love rival. Strangely I found Jim backed up against the cage, seemingly pressing his rear end against the wall.

What I did next I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I grabbed Jim, one slice, one drawn out squawk and a flutter of speckly feathers later and Jim 's head was in my hands, his body a crumpled heap in the cage. I had killed him and sent him off to meet all the other peckers in the great pigeon race in the sky. Damn Kershaw and their razor sharp range of kitchen knives!

I didn't know what to do so just sat crying. When Peter came home he found Jim and despite an attempt to resuscitate him using sellotape to reattach his head and pushing his little claws into a main's socket, he eventually realised this was futile and began shouting at me. Our neighbours, the Dre's, called the police because of the racket as it was upsetting their hoes.

I was arrested and have been released on bail but I will surely be facing a stiff sentence for this. I can't do bird for doing a bird! The papers have already got hold of the story (see attached clipping)
I feel I must run away.

I hate to ask this but is there anyway I could come and stay with you? I will bring my bank details, passport and stuff in case these are of use to you.

Please tell me you can help, please.....


Yours desperately,

Penelope Staker
xxxxxxxxxx

[TightEnd]

lol

"Blackadder,did you kill that plump breasted speckly pigeon Speckled Jim? Did you did you?" 


you'll be getting your influence for the next one from Hitchhikers or Red Dwarf lol?

[kinboshi]

Our neighbours, the Dre's, called the police because of the racket as it was upsetting their hoes.

[Karabiner]

This thread should come with a warning not to be drinking coffee whilst reading 

I would like to  be the first to nominate this for Blonde's hall of fame.

[sovietsong]

lol, very good thread this!

[JungleCat03]

Ah, he's no fun anymore. Just trying to get me to call some premium rate number probably charged at £27 a minute. I think he may be on to me. I think this may be his last message.....boooooooooo




>Dear One,
>
>   Thanks for email response todat but please i

do not want to start saying this again please

call me let me know that you are very serious in

your word . Not serious? Is he for real.
>
>   this is my number if you do not call this

number 0022508391531 then i know that you are

joking ok.
>
>    From David Jacob





Ok, we're losing him. One last plea for help from me and this may be it. Maybe he's a rap fan?




Please, please help me!

Why would you think I am joking? I only want to help if I can, but I am in big trouble and need your help. Please help me!

I called your number but just got a recorded message saying,

"All of our operators are currently busy. Please bear with us, your call is important to us. If you have called regarding a percentage of a large inheritance, please press 1. If you have called to leave your bank details and personal information, please press 2. If you have called to arrange a meeting with one of our operators and would like reassurance you will not be frog marched to the nearest cash point machine, cleaned out, shot and dumped in the nearest river, please press 3. If you would like to
simply leave a message, wait for the beep and leave your bank details, mother's maiden name, religion, address and contact number after the tone so one of our Ree Poff Merchants can get back to your shortly. BEEEEEEEEEP. "

After being released from the station the other day I spent an unhappy night back at the flat in the spare room, wondering if at any moment my husband would come in and exact revenge for Jim's death. In the morning the police arrived to take me away. As the sirens got closer I heard some shuffling coming from the flat above where the Dre's live and some frantic voices...

... "Snoop hide the ganj man, it's the fecking POLIS bruv!"

...."I'm on it Dre. Put the damn A-K away, shove it in the bidet, no way we're gonna pay...."

Six burly officers dragged me off as my husband stood at the door, laughing and shouting, "you're going down for this you butchering bitch!"

Back at the station I was tied to a chair and a bright light was shone in my face. Two policemen known to me only as DC Goode and DC Badd questioned me. Badde looked at me menacingly, his top button undone, tie hanging loose and sleeves
rolled up. Sweat beaded his brow as he yelled in my face....

"This is it Staker. Those geeks in forensics have come back and your filthy prints are all over the joint..on the knife, the bird, all over the flat. You're bang to rights and going down hard. Ten years minimum in maximum security. You know what they do to bird killers in jail? You hear about the case of the "canary curtailer"?  2 years into her sentence they found her impaled on a broom with jsut the brush poking out of her mouth. Officially it was a cleaning accident but we know better. I won't even get into the story of the "sparrow slayer". Let's just say chrome chairs make a pretty painful suppository. Word is, they've already got plans for the "pigeon plugger". You're on the edge and one shove from us, it'll be sianara. It's time to play ball and
give us something you avian assassin! "

"Take it easy Badd. Come on Staker, we can help you. You want a cigarette? Here take one..." [he lit it for me and i took a drag]

Suddenly, Badd snatched it out of my mouth mid drag and stubbed it out on my hand....

"AARGGHH!"

"Enough bullshit. You know the family who live above you, the Dre's. Respectable family, dad's a doctor but word is they're moving more chronic than downtown LA. Give him up to us and we'll see what we can do. We've spoken to the canadian
muppet at no 6, u know him?"

"Mr Snow."

"Yeah, we know he knows something. We leaned hard on that fool but he just spouts out some incomprehensible crap about "icky boom boom down" then shuts up. He won't talk. Snow won't turn informer."

"What about the two girls in no 4. Maybe they know something. Both called Emma I think...."

"Em and Em? Nah, they might know something but Dre helped them out a while ago and they're not talkin'"

"give it up or face the consequences Staker. Don't make us throw you to the wolves!"

This went on for another four hours. I told them all I know but it's not enough. I'm for it. I implore you, please help me.

I don't know what to do!

Yours soon-to-be-convictedly,


Penelope Staker
xxxxxx

[Ironside]

Mr cat if you want a new challenge i pont you in the direction of

http://blondepoker.com/forum/index.php?topic=24675.0

i can supply you a copy of the email if you wish to partake in a piss take and keep blonde informed