Party time!

[Card_Shark]

I run a taxi company in Lincoln and next week it's our new year party (we are generally too busy over the festive season to have it then). I was planning on getting a comedian in this year but alas i didn't get one booked in time, so i've settled for the second year running we are having a karaoke/disco with the usual buffet and free bar.

An hour or so into the party i normally give a bit of a speech with a few jokes thrown in, then normally finish off with a rendition of any old song that i chose at the time. This year i've decided to try and pre select a song that everyone will naturally join in and sing along too, so with this in mind i need some suggestions for:

(a) A decent sing along type song that all will gladly join in with.

(b) Any really good (not too long or i'll forget them) jokes that would go down well bearing my audience in mind

All suggestions greatfully received.

[The_duke]

An Englishwoman and her young son were travelling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.

"Mummy" the boy asked, "what are those ladies doing?"

The mother, clearly embarassed by the question, replied: "I expect they're lost and are asking people for directions"

The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: "why not tell me boy the truth, those women are prostitutes."

The mother blushed more brightly at this remark but the boy wouldn't let it go:

"What are prostitutes Mummy, are they like other women, do they have children too?"

"Of course" the mother replied, "that's where New York taxi drivers come from."

[Graham C]

I like driving in my car by Madness?

[taximan007]

One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the road. Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leapt into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Er, where to?" he stammered.

"Kings Cross," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what are you looking at?"

"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver, and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Have you got anything smaller?"

[Card_Shark]

Blimey you guy's are quick! keep em coming, more choice i have the better.

[taximan007]

An old couple are in a taxi in America.

The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"

The old man replies "From Yorkshire"

The old lady says "What did he say?"

The old man says "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"

The taxi driver says "I've been to Yorkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a right bitch, it put me off going to England forever."

The old lady says "What did he say?"

The old man says "I think the driver knows you!"

[The_duke]

Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?"

The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a Lincoln Taxi driver for 14 years"

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."

St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"

He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord."

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."

"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?"

"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"

[Geo the Sarge]

Paddy is taking a taxi to the Harbour in Liverpool to travel back home. Paddy, unusually is quiet.

Taxi driver, in an attempt to get some conversation going says "A wee riddle for you"........He looks into his mirror and says......

"Brothers and sisters have I none, but that man's father is my grandfathers son, who is it?"

Paddy thinks for a while, and admits he is none the wiser.

"well, it's me isn't it?" says the Taxi driver

"Oh yeah" agrees Paddy

Back home and Paddy is warming himself by the fire when he looks into the mirror above the fireplace.......

"Here father, a riddle for you" says Paddy.

He points to the mirror and repeats the riddle

"Brothers and sisters have I none, but that man's father is my grandfathers son, who is it?"

" I haven't a clue" replies father.

"Och ya stupid man" says Paddy................"It's a taxi driver in Liverpool"

[steeveg]

A man arrives at San Francisco airport at the taxi stand and asks the driver:

- How much for a ride to San Jose?

- $100

- But I only have $80!

- Tough luck!

The man thinks for a bit and asks:

- Well, can you take me as far as the $80 will take me?

- Sure

And so they set off.

They drive until they reach Sunnyvale (a couple of miles from San Jose) and the taxi driver says:

- Your $80 takes you exactly here!

- But come on, it's pouring rain outside and it's only a couple more miles!

- Out! the taxi driver says.

A week later the man is at SFO and approaches the taxi stand. This time there are 8 or 9 taxis waiting, with the taxi driver from last week at the end. The man approaches the first driver:

- Here's $100 to get me to San Jose...and another $100 for you to give me a blow job!

- Get the hell away away from me, you pervert! and the taxi driver yells a bunch of insults at him.

The man approaches the second cabbie:

- Here's $100 to get me to San Jose...and another $100 if you give me a blow job!

- (really harsh insults ensue)

And so the same goes through the whole line, until the man approaches the driver from the previous week:

- How much for a ride to San Jose?

- $100, like last week. What, are you trying to drive me crazy?!

- Listen, here's $100...and here's another $100 if you drive me around here slowly for a little bit and wave at your cabbie friends.


-------------------------------

[Snatiramas]

Might I suggest Hi Ho Silver Lining for the karaoke

[Card_Shark]

Some belting jokes thank you, still not sure about the song though.

[Suited_Jock]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

[Geo the Sarge]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

Nice one Matty,

I soooo lolled

geo

[Snatiramas]

The Kids and I do a wicked version of Teenage kicks by the undertones

[taximan007]

The Kids and I do a wicked version of Teenage kicks by the undertones

Now THAT i would love to see. youtube it