Okay society you win- Diary of a fat boy

[Snatiramas]

So today’s the day. How hard was Stratford? I had no idea and it was just as well I didn’t know. My problem was this. I got the summer job with Burtons through my uncle, as you all know, but there was a nagging doubt in the back of my mind, which was did I get on the management training course because of him. Now being twenty and obviously always right, I believed most of the time that I was there as of right and on my own merits. Of course as I look back in the cold light of day it was obvious bollocks and I think subconsciously I knew that, which was why I was looking for a tough store to handle. I had to find out if I was any good!

This finding out malarkey has got me into a lot of scrapes. You know the inner voice that asks you to prove that you can do it. That says stand up to the school bully and give him your best shot so that he leaves you alone. It might have helped if they had also told me to make sure he doesn’t get back up. Or tells you go to Stratford it is your launch pad. How bad can it be?

So there I am in East London. Newly promoted all cocky that I can do the job and that it is only a matter of time before I am managing the flagship store in Oxford Street. I know that stock loss is running at an incredible 10%. So for every £100 we are taking through the till somebody is having it away with a tenner. On arriving in the store I notice there is no fire bolt on the back door. So I buy one. In comes the morning delivery. It gets taken upstairs by two of my boys and sorted out. Jeans are hung on hangers and sized as is the knitwear. All the wrappings are chucked into dustbin liners. The boxes broken down for reuse. The stock gets put out on the sales floor and one of the boys asks me if I will open the backdoor as there is a fire bolt and a padlock on it which weren’t there before.

As I open the first bag of rubbish outside the store I can see the guy visibly paling in front of me and I already know what I am going to find. Sure enough three brand spanking new pairs of Levis going out with the rubbish. Theft is theft and I knew I had no choice but to phone Charlie Eastbourne my area manager. He makes it very clear to me that they will both have to be fired. Great. I have been in the business three hours and twelve minutes I am firing people for the first time in my young life. It feels absolutely vile and I am already two staff down in one of the toughest areas of London. It can’t get any worse.

And then it did. We alleviated the staffing problem by borrowing a chap from the store in Ilford. We had started tidying the store up and merchandising it correctly. Morale was improving really fast but I knew that stealing was still rampant because of the twice daily stock takes and that there was only one way of bringing the figure down. We were going to have to confront the local gangs. The problem with some roads is that having started down them you should just turn around fast and get the hell out. Unfortunately this road was too narrow for turning in. It was go straight on and pray that you come out the other side. The company say that you should not confront shoplifters. The company say that stock loss should be 0.66%. The company has idiots who have never worked in a store coming up with this stuff.

I am standing in the middle of the sales floor and this truly big geezer walks in. Without pausing he walks straight up to me grabs the front of my jacket whips out a knife, sticks it under my chin and says “I am going to nick your fuckin jeans”. So what flashes through my mind at this point. Is it “oh my word he is going to kill me?” Is it “why am I doing this?” No what I am thinking is two things. Firstly I think “I wonder what it says in the managers handbook for this” and then an even better thought “How do I stop myself bleeding on the stock”.

 In honesty I didn’t have time to be scared it just happened so fast. Purely by luck I came out with “Go ahead”. Big geezer looks at me quizzically but then puts his knife away bends down and picks up two armfuls of jeans. This was his first mistake, no knife, and arms occupied. I pick up the now empty metal rail and before he has taken a step give him a gentle tap across the knees. Well just hard enough to make him drop the jeans and fall over. I explain to him calmly that I have nothing personal against him but I would like him to go elsewhere to conduct his activities whilst he is telling me how he is going to sue me for actual bodily harm. He may actually have been crying. When I got home that night I paced. I paced for a long time. I couldn’t settle. What the bloody hell was I thinking, taking on a bloke with a knife. The problem is…. in moments of high stress one rarely thinks, one purely reacts. Stupid stupid stupid.

Unfortunately this was the first incident in six months of hell. Broken windows. People waiting outside the backdoor with baseball bats, break ins the lot. We had it all. The local police left me with incident reports that I filled in and then took down to the station. I just wouldn’t leave the store. I paced round the store all day and I paced round the flat all night. I was a wreck. Then all of a sudden it all went quiet. Right after this incident.

I am standing near the front of the store and look back at the security mirror in the opposite corner. I can see a youth of about fourteen crawling and yes I do mean crawling behind the racks to the jeans run. I move very slowly to the other side of the front door knowing that this is where he is going to come out. Sure enough matey crawls round the corner. I tell him to stand up. I shake him until the jeans fall out from his coat and I do one small compassionate thing. I give him a lecture and let him go. I have no idea why I let him go and in light of what I did on my first day it is outright hypocrisy. But there you go sometimes you do things differently.

I thought no more about it and that Saturday was in my usual position behind the till packing clothes for customers. I liked it behind the counter as I could see what my whole team were doing and I got to chat to the punters…..oh and make sure nobody was taking from the till. Later on we found out who was taking from the till but that is a very long story which I keep to myself. Anyway there I am behind the counter and this huge bloke walks in. I mean if big geezer was big this bloke absolutely blocked the sun out. He walks up to the counter and says “I want to talk to you” in a voice that could move mountains. I shat myself. No other words for it. Everything that had gone before had been fairly spontaneous. This was definitely not going to be and I was scared. I asked him if he would mind walking to the back of the store with me just to get him somewhere quieter. I was praying. I stopped and turned to him expecting a severe smacking and he smiled and said “you caught my kid brother nicking jeans in here and didn’t shop him. You will have no more problems!!” and with that he walks out. There is a GOD!!!!!! Thank you!!! I honestly had no idea who this bloke was or the family or how they managed to do it but I had no more problems. In the three and a half years that I was in the store we took sales from 300k to over a million. We took stock loss from 10% to one per cent. It is my crowning achievement as a manager not because of the numbers but because of the person I became to get through to the other side. When Oxford Street came up for a new manager I was told to apply. I left Burtons at that point with nothing left to prove.

And so the challenges go on. Let’s start with the Wii Fit. I can now jog for around 10 minutes without my knees seizing up. I do lots of balancing work. Stepping. Yoga. I have done at least half an hour every day and Adam owns our latest game table tennis……might have to hide it as he is just too good.

The diet had a crisis moment this week. As you know week three became known as week of the bagel but it was okay because we talked it through at fat club and I knew what to do if it happened again. Well it happened again.

A little background might be helpful. I was playing in the Macau final on Blonde on Sunday night. It was going well. I had cracked aces with four six and I was in the zone. There are two seats and money back from third to twelfth. We are down to the last three and at that moment the poker gods let me know it was not going to be my night. Ace eight into ace king. Ace ten into ace king. Just to finish off low stacked queen ten into kings and that was that. Would I or should I have played the hands any differently. Well after tossing and turning from one thirty until three twenty five I decided to get up and have some chollah (plaited loaf to you dear) toasted. I go downstairs. All I can think is carbs baby. Got to have them. Then just at the last moment I manage to stop myself. What am I feeling? Craving or hunger? Okay this time it is hunger. So I have half of Mondays peanut bar with loads of water. All the time I am thinking no need for bread. Twenty five pounds is proof of that and fully satisfied go to bed. By the way I wouldn’t have played the hands any differently.

This week’s music on the way to fat club needs to be something euphoric. The challenge of the carb has been beaten for another week. I have made pack lunches for the kids. Sat out to dinner with friends again. Went to the theatre with Rachel to see Grease and watched Anne Marie and Rachel eat ice cream without any feeling of need or want. Didn’t take Adam as he was out at his new girlfriends house. Indeed a euphoric week so on goes Blondie blasting out Atomic so loud my ears are still ringing. This week we lost seven pounds. That is a total of thirty two pounds. How good do I feel? Well pretty good actually and even more so after stopping at the petrol station for a bottle of water and whilst standing in the queue feeling absolutely no desire for any of the large array of confectionary on display. This is the man who only four weeks ago would have happily picked up a KitKat, Twix, Marathon and a pack of Opal Fruits......just because they call them Snickers and Starbust doesn’t mean I have to. Oh and by the way I would have scoffed the lot whilst watching some old tut on the television

Hmm better start thinking about next week. There is still so much ground we can cover and so much weight to lose. If there have been any topics that have caught your eye that you would like me to do some more about please do not hesitate to post. Otherwise maybe we should go right back in time to the school years. They are quite funny particularly when I managed to launch a half brick at the deputy headmasters head.

Until then be nice to your kids and if you don’t have any be nice to someone else’s.

[Karabiner]

Heres a few (of 100s), all old school, 60's & 70's: Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder, Curtis Mayfield, Edwin Starr, Aretha Franklin, James Brown, The Temptations, The Meters.

You didn't mention Otis...unacceptable to leave him out...just wrong.

Otis; Dock of the Bay
Otis; My Girl
Otis; Georgia.

end of.

Just play the entire "Otis Blue" album.

[Wardonkey]

Great post,

Thanks Snat. 

[Tonji]

Heres a few (of 100s), all old school, 60's & 70's: Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder, Curtis Mayfield, Edwin Starr, Aretha Franklin, James Brown, The Temptations, The Meters.

You didn't mention Otis...unacceptable to leave him out...just wrong.

Otis; Dock of the Bay
Otis; My Girl
Otis; Georgia.

end of.

Just play the entire "Otis Blue" album.

yep, tis a classic.

Keep the stories coming Snatty, its all good

[Karabiner]

Absolutely fantastic post Phil, inspired even.

[tikay]

Phil, that's, to me, your best Post yet. True-Life adventure, psychology, bravado, business talk, & Fat Club. You could not make this stuff up.

Where have you been hiding this superb writing skill all this time?

Look, you keep writing this Diary, or I'll send round a box of fresh bagels. Get my drift?

What topics would I like to hear more of? Your business career. Very impressed with the way you went about sorting out that Store. Disappointed you only got Stock Loss/"wastage" down to 1% - the Company Target was 0.66%. Do try harder, OK?

Oh, & well done - 32lbs, that's the equivelant of say, 16 bags of sugar you were carrying around that you don't have to carry now. You must be well proud of yourself.

[RED-DOG]

What a stonking post Phil. Well done.

[turny]

fantastic news on the weightloss phil keep it up mate.

didnt think it was possible for you to waffle on in type more than you can actually speak at the table but you managed it mate lol.

i for 1 never got bored sitting at the table listening to your non stop jabba and the same applies to this wonderful thread

 

[Laxie]

When we returned from the pub last night, I checked the posts on Blonde.  Saw this one and decided I'd read it in the morning as I wanted to give it my full attention.  1:30am, after a couple, running poker hands through your head was not the time.  Blimey!  Great post and already can't wait for the next one!!! 

You're doing a brilliant job with your weight loss and this diary.  Thanks for sharing the lot with us!  xx

[boldie]

Top post Snatty..well done on the weightloss as well, 32 pounds is very impressive indeed.

[Snatiramas]

To all those who post support I thank you . Although corny it really does mean something. I would guess a little like the crowd at a marathon............hmm  diary of a marathon runner..........no, no, no.

[RED-DOG]

"Although corny it really does mean something."

You think that's bad? I was going to post,  "32 lbs Phil? Now you're Cooklin" 

You'll be pleased to know that I thought better of it.

[kinboshi]

"Although corny it really does mean something."

You think that's bad? I was going to post,  "32 lbs Phil? Now you're Cooklin" 

You'll be pleased to know that I thought better of it.

Great stuff Snats.

[Snatiramas]

Where have you been hiding this superb writing skill all this time?
Look, you keep writing this Diary, or I'll send round a box of fresh bagels. Get my drift?

Well at school I was of course a dead loss at English up to and including my English literature O level. Having perused the entire English paper I realised that I was in serious trouble. Please answer one question from each section. Sections one and two no problem but section three was a mare. The choice of doing a critique on Romeo and Juliet, couldn't stand Shakespeare on account of the fact if he was so funny why did I have to have the jokes explained to me. I mean do you think Eddie Murphy has to go on stage with somebody alongside to explain the humour. I think not.

Sorry mini rant....okay so it was Shakespeare or compare ten Ted Hughes poems. Bugger I only know five and as regards The Pig, I only knew the first line....The pig lay on the barrow dead. To be honest once I knew the pig was dead I kind of lost interest in the rest of the story. Trout on the other hand was my kind of poem. "One jammed its gills past the others gullet".....something like that anyway. It was a long time ago and I have not re-looked at that poem since.

So rubbish at English then and no desire to write until one day I see an advert in a publication that I regularly read but only in the winter asking for people to write of their experiences. So I wrote a piece and it appeared in here. I was amazed. It was not altered in anyway other than making it fit the page.

[boldie]

Where have you been hiding this superb writing skill all this time?
Look, you keep writing this Diary, or I'll send round a box of fresh bagels. Get my drift?

Well at school I was of course a dead loss at English up to and including my English literature O level. Having perused the entire English paper I realised that I was in serious trouble. Please answer one question from each section. Sections one and two no problem but section three was a mare. The choice of doing a critique on Romeo and Juliet, couldn't stand Shakespeare on account of the fact if he was so funny why did I have to have the jokes explained to me. I mean do you think Eddie Murphy has to go on stage with somebody alongside to explain the humour. I think not.

Sorry mini rant....okay so it was Shakespeare or compare ten Ted Hughes poems. Bugger I only know five and as regards The Pig, I only knew the first line....The pig lay on the barrow dead. To be honest once I knew the pig was dead I kind of lost interest in the rest of the story.

that made me laugh out loud