An account of Jeeves' trip to Las Vegas latterly in the service of Mr tikay.

[Karabiner]

I left the question hanging, a pregnant pause only interrupted by the Arsenal cuckoo clock striking the hour of 3 o'clock in its distinctive tone "Wenger, Wenger, Wenger" cried the feather clad Ian Wright figurine as it leapt out of the clock metronomically.


sheer genius
 

That had me literally in tears laughing.

[boldie]

LOL These just get better and better.

 

+1...I laughed very very hard at this.

[Robert HM]

v.funny..... more!!

Jeeves,in the "boss"pic,  that chap on the right make me think he's just about to share a dodgy kebab he ate earlier.

[Karabiner]

v.funny..... more!!

Jeeves,in the "boss"pic,  that chap on the right make me think he's just about to share a dodgy kebab he ate earlier.

I think that might have been just after I surprised him with the old Tikay misread allin bluff manoeuvre with K2 cunningly set up with two hours of folding.

[Jeeves]

Friday

I am on secondment. Raif called me over whilst we were shopping in the Victoria Centre yesterday (A new trouser press required, and six sticky buns from Greggs) when he received a text message.

He asked me to read it out to him, which I did with alacrity

"Ralph, I need to ask a favour. Can I borrow Jeeves? New flat a mess, pipes need cleaning too. Off out to meet Jade Goody tonight. Answer soonest. Trace xx"

My heart sank as I read it, I have never worked for a lady before, and sense I may be unfamiliar with their domestic ways. Aside from Strippers in the bedroom, my exposure to the feminine sex in a domestic capacity has been rather lacking for some time but I neverthess awaited Raif's reply with neutrality

"Well Jeeves, we can't let the good lady down. To Northampton with you! I'll survive til you get back. I'll give Tom a ring and see if he wants to pop round"

I agreed with my Master, and jotted down the details of my temporary employ.

When we returned to Raif's spotless abode, I took myself off to my bedroom, tastefully decorated in Dennis Bergkamp wallpaper and Paul Merson duvet cover ( straight white lines all over ) and called the number I was given

The ringing stopped and I heard a voice from a short distance away

"Don't pull that pipe out! What have you been eating? Not enough water! Drink more water!"........the voice trailed off, and then a female voice came on the line. Business like, haughty and faux posh

"Good afternoon Tracey "you can ring my" D'Bell here. When would you like an appointment for?"

I explained that I was not after an appointment but that I was nevertheless at her service for the forthcoming week

Her relief was evident

"Jeeves" she screamed in a high pitch voice

"Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!"

I remained silent, and awaited instructions

"Jeeves, come to Northampton on Monday, early, and I can let you know what your tasks will involve. Is that ok?"

"Yes, madam, of course Madam"

"One thing Jeeves, I need you to bring a photograph of Steve Davis, snooker legend. Manage that do you think? Got a big crack in my bedroom needs covering, and I reckon that on the wall is as good as anything"

and with that I put the phone down, sighed audibly and prepared to pack......

I put on Raif's "Best of Boyzone" CD in a vain attempt to quell my nervousness, and then my mobile rang again

"Oh and Jeeves?"

"Yes Madam?"

"If you can pick up some Cheekbone Accentuation cream before you come, that would be good. Try Boots."

I went to speak but she was in full flow

"I am at DTD at the weekend, qualified for the Sky Poker (expert analysis by fish, for colonic irrigators) Tour you know? Online satellite. Did you know I've won my last 16 poker tournaments? Must tell you about my A9 hand. I put it all down to Paul Jackson. Have you heard about the DTD academy? Saw Edna at Luton the other night. Do you know her? She was looking well. Out with Jade Goody on Monday. She says I look young-ish. What do you think Jeeves? What do you reckon i should do about this lady customer who let me down? Didn't keep her appointment Jeeves! What is the world coming to? Did I tell you I am playing at DTD this weekend? Frank Bruno's going I gather. tikay's going too. Must be careful to flutter my eyelashes at the right time Jeeves Ho Ho Ho! 16 poker tournaments Jeeves, did I tell you about the Sky Poker(expert analysis by fish, for colonic irrigators)  tour........................"

and with that I held the phone quite a distance from my ear, and clicked "Off" when it finally went silent........

I would like to say that Monday cannot come soon enough, but I would be lying

[Laxie]

    Hang in there Jeeves, you'll be grand.  She hardly ever bites...much.

[boldie]

...poor Tracey

[technolog]

Jeeves, I think you need to seek union representation. You're becoming a plaything of the Blondes.

[Karabiner]

My Arsenal cookoo clock seems to have gone missing, does anyone know where I could get a replacement ?

[Jeeves]

Thursday

I am currently sitting in the special WIFI access location in the Sports Lounge at the Luton G Casino. I am temporarily homeless, and intend to meet up once more with Raif when he attends the "blonde bash 7" on Saturday. From there I will take further instructions as to my future employ.

This week has not going well.

It was 9am on Monday morning when I climbed the stairs to Ms D'Bell's Penthouse flat in leafy surburban Northampton. I rang the doorbell, and heard from the the other side of the door a quick commotion, and a hurried conversation, half whispered which I caught through the thin plastered walls

"Just get in the cupboard, keep quiet and I'll smuggle you out when he goes to clean the bathroom. Understand?"

The door opened and with a smile so unrelaxed and a face so flushed Ms D'Bell greeted me warmly

"You must be Jeeves. Let me show you around my home and give you your list of tasks"

With that she proceeded with the guided tour. I meanwhile tried very hard not to think about which cupboard I was meant not to look in, though the gentle shaking of the Mahogany effect tallboy in the hallway was a gentle clue that some things were to be neither seen or heard, a throwback to the 1950s employ I established my credentials in so long ago.

We soon came to the list of chores with which I was to be gainfully employed for the week of my sabbatical. Routine enough I thought, until we got to the section headed, in bold red

"PIPES: How to clean a colonic tube"

and Ms D'Bell showed me to a spare bedroom which I gathered was to double as mine for the week which contained over 50 colonic implements for my cleaning use.

To say I was daunted was an understatement, but within half an hour I was about to be left to my own devices.

As the front door shut loudly from the hallway I permitted myself a small peek from through the blinds at Ms D'Bell's secret assignation. Discretion to my nevertheless temporary employer does not permit me to divulge the name of her companion. Yet. Though the beard, trailing emu's legs and Star Trek top did rather give it away.

I took the opportunity to look around. On the wall a signed yet slightly frayed photgraph of a UK poker celebrity hung slightly askew. On the sofa a Crow Puppet leant gently against a life size copy of Orville the Duck only confirming that behind each person's public facade there are often touching mementoes of a fractured past, and unhealthy obsessions.

As I tidied, carefully not disturbing the home made shrine surrounded by candles headed "actionjack: The UK's bestest Poker Tutor" and the homage in the kitchen to Messrs Davis, Bruno and Gascoigne I turned on the CD player and heard the unmistakeable refrain of Chas and Dave

"Snooker loopy nuts are we......."

Moving to the bedroom I accidentally slipped on empty packets where once nestled packs of Duracell batteries, dusted the fifteen year old Police uniform and tidied the bedside table. The reading matter intrigued me

"Ouch, how wide is that bloody pipe?" by The Royal Society of Colonic Irrigators

"Gullibility and how to handle it: A self help Manual"

"I am Steve Davis' brother. No really, Harry" by Frank Bruno

"You too can continuation bet with nothing but charm" by Devilfish

At the end of the day I was wrecked. My feet ached but the penthouse was spotless.

I heard the key turn in the lock and I rose and straightened my waistcoat.

Ms D'Bell stormed into the Living room, flung several pipes on the floor and looked at me straight in the eye

"Jeeves" she said, struggling to collect her thoughts "I am a moody cow sometimes. For no other reason than that, you're fired"

I was for once speechless. My mouth opened and words formed, but silence reigned

"Leave tonight, leave me to Orville, dear Orville"

and with that she went to run a bath and I heard the soprano strains of the once talented singer


"I wish I could fly, way up to the sky but I can't"

I said under my breath "You can"

and she carried on "I can't" , testament to a chronic lack of confidence so well hidden by bluster, outward naivete and an ability to semi-bluff with impunity

I collected my belongings, inadvertently packing an XXL Pipe with mink-lined fur nozzle and shut the door behind me. Embarrassed to contact Raif with news of my failure to please my Mistress, I headed for Luton.

Now, three days later, surviving on casino free sandwiches and over-strong tea fed to me by Ukrainian waitresses, I long for Raif, for cuckoo clocks and for my routine to be restored

[Robert HM]

huge lols.

[ShatnerPants]

I am learning more about the members of the forum from this thread than anything else I've read so far.

 

[Laxie]

I am learning more about the members of the forum from this thread than anything else I've read so far.

 

 

Poor Jeeves.  We need to find you a home fast!

[Rod Paradise]

I am learning more about the members of the forum from this thread than anything else I've read so far.

 

 

Poor Jeeves.  We need to find you a home fast!

Jeeves in Cork - that could be entertaining......

[Laxie]

Don't even go there.  He wouldn't last the week at ours.