We had a slight delay as there was a cheese-related incident involving the gentleman in front of us, but we eventually managed to Caerphilly manoeuvre ourselves onto the plane.
Good evening to you, Sir! Seeing as Master Floppy used to have a Summer Town Home right here in Hampstead, North London, it appears that some of his mail is still being delivered to our servants' entrance. I took the liberty (all right, I failed to notice the addressee differed from my own name - much sherry had been consumed - it was after 5pm after all) of opening a letter which I feel ought to be reproduced forthwith:
The Drones Club Hilltop Residence, Hampstead.
Mayfair
Dear Mr. Homer,
The Drones Club must regretfully inform you that your application to become a member has been rejected at this time. As you know, the three criteria for membership are:
1) Having a name resounding in Classical allusion
2) Having a butler
3) Having a refined and gentlemanly manner with a correct level of correctness, excellent posture, and an apt witticism ready for any occasion.
3i) Wearing a monocle immediately renders the other three criteria irrelevant
While you undoubtedly possess the first two, and 3i is, sadly, becoming something of a rarity in this day and age, point 3 seems not to have been fulfilled to a level acceptable to our other distinguished members. I refer you to your 'trial evening,' in which you were invited to sample the fine vintages of our cellar, and the amusements of our Smoking Room. As you may recall, when offered a drink, you did not opt for one of our fine single malts, or our house port, but insisted repeatedly that you would only accept something called a "Witch Doctor," which embarrassed our barman Mr. Worthington who was fresh out of dry ice, but rose to the occasion nonetheless.
Following from that, you behaved in a most aggressive fashion at billiards, beating Major Goulding with such a thorough lack of magnanimity in victory that he has declined all further challenges. I must inform you that we do not usually enforce the 'trousering rule' in our establishment.
When invited to the card table, you seemed on the verge of an angry outburst that the stakes we generally played for were not 'nosebleed,' whatever that means, and also refused to accept gold doubloons as valid currency. I would politely remind you that they currently stand at D1:$35. Having lost a considerable sum to the Earl of Colchester, you then insisted the table play a game known as 'Omaha' which resulted in a far more confusing and ill-tempered evening than that to which we are generally accustomed. It is also not considered proper at the Drones to accept the keys to a player's Bentley in lieu of payment in cash. We also politely request on behalf of Lord Kendall that you return his chauffeur posthaste.
The next vacancy will be opening in 2012, and should you still be interested in membership, we suggest you reapply at that time.
Yours faithfully,
J. A. Mason, Esq.
Chairperson.
Author