Joke!!

[Ecosse]

A kid is watching his grandfather take a pee:

"Hey, Granddad, my dad has got two of those things."

"What do you mean son?" says the old man.

"Well, he's got a wobbly one like that for peeing through, and a long hard one for cleaning mummy’s' teeth."

Oh I looooled. Nice one baldy !

[trafficjam]

Man shouts at another, your lucky, you will never catch swine flu, swine flu only effects noses and throats, it has no effect whatsoever upon arseholes!

[Geo the Sarge]

I am a member of a forum dedicated to volunteer work.

Any profanities are filtered out and replaced by the euphemstic BANNED WORD, Not sure that Blonde should go quite so far, but then again...

This forum has so many abbreviations that I am sure that the members would very quickly adapt.

What happens if someone says they're from Scunthorpe?

We all chip in a few quid so they can move somewhere decent obv.

 

Best one yet

Geo

[boldie]

An Ex of mine used to say that she wanted to be treated like a princess.



So I rented a limo and told the driver to crash it in a tunnel.

[bagel]

my dad went to rod hulls funeral.when he got back i asked him how it was. he said the service was alright but the reception was terrible

[bolt pp]

paddy's in a police line up for rape, a policeman brings in the woman at which point paddy says: "yeah that's her, moody bitch".

[boldie]

Paddy takes his new wife home on his wedding night.
She lies on the bed, spread-eagled, naked, and says, "Paddy....you know what I want....."
"Yeah....the whole fecking bed by the looks of it!"

[ACE2M]

i was playing golf recently when a thunder and serious lightning storm started right above us, my playing partner pulled out his 1 iron and held it straight up. I asked him what he was doing and rightly pointed out that not even god can hit a 1 iron.

[Claw75]

my dad went to rod hulls funeral.when he got back i asked him how it was. he said the service was alright but the reception was terrible

topical! I had forgotten why it was funny

[bagel]

why did the monkey get lost?

because the junglist massive.

apologies to all over thirtyish

[boldie]

Research has shown women generally have far cleaner minds than men. I'm not really surprised. Let's face it, they change them every five bloody minutes of the day!

[boldie]

I had a one night stand with a girl in Iceland once. Late December, it was.

Feck, I was knackered.

[boldie]

SKY News: David Richards,40, from Caerwys snaps photo of UFO in back garden!

Well sir if you say it's a UFO then you have identified it making it an FO, if it's landed in your back garden it's not flying thus making it an O.

So David, you have succesfully managed to take a photo of an object in your back garden.

Well done...numptie.

[boldie]

I went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere.
Well played Wally, well played.

[Eck]

A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Scouser to my back."