Joke!!

[RED-DOG]

One in every three women are just as daft as the other two.

[Geo the Sarge]

This weekends odds on a brit to finish on the podium at the Monaco Grand Prix :

Paul Di Resta 50-1
Jenson Button 10-1
Lewis Hamilton 6-1
John Terry 2-1

Geo

[Girgy85]

N B A G

Thats bang out of order.

[corkeye]

So I said to my son, as he's leaving the house

'Where are you going?

'To meet a girl', he replied

So I said,

'OK son, don't forget to wear a... you know'

'What?'

'.......You know?'

'What dad, a condom?'

'No a hat you ginger c$n*!'

[Girgy85]

I was out having dinner last week with mc hammer and chico. I asked if anyone had the time. It was absolute carnage.

[Honeybadger]

I was watching a film the other day with my 8 year old son.

He said, "Daddy I'm scared! Is that lady going to die?"

I said, "Probably son, judging by the size of that horses cock"

[Honeybadger]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Dooeector, Aaahve gaaatt theees speeiiiaaiich impedeeeemaint"

"A speech impediment, you say? Well let's examine you," says the doctor.

After giving the man a thorough check-over the doctor is confident he knows what is causing the difficulty.

"The problem is that your penis is too big. It is pressing on the base of your spine and this is transferring pressure up to your vocal chords, preventing you from speaking properly. The only cure is to find a penis donor and replace your penis with a smaller one."

The patient is not happy about it, but after long thought agrees to undergo the operation.

Six weeks later, he goes back to visit the doctor.

"Well doc," he says, "the operation has worked brilliantly. I can speak perfectly. The only problem is that I am no longer able to satisfy my wife in bed. She says I am half the man I used to be. I've weighed up my options long and hard, but really there is only one decision. I would like to have my old penis back."

The doctor replies, "Weeeellll, theee prooobleem iiisss..."

[taximan007]

I was watching a film the other day with my 8 year old son.

He said, "Dad I'm scared! Is that lady going to die?"

I said, "Probably son, judging by the size of that horses cock"

this made me lol

[Woodsey]

Some good ones in here 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

[bobAlike]

Lol Woodsey

[smashedagain]

Lol Woodsey

Me n the wife in stitches with these

[Girgy85]

Lol Woodsey

[SubZERO]

He's a dark horse... Who's that?... Black Beauty

Cant get over that... What? 10ft Wall

He's leaving Friday... Who? Robinson Crusoe

Its Not on...What isnt? Off

He's got the 'ump aint he?...Who? Quasimodo

It's a mug's game...What? Pottery.

Cant belive he's still going out with that old bag....Who? Postman Pat

He's heading for a breakdown....Who? The AA man!

He's a hard faced Bastard......Who? The man in the iron mask!

[Kev B]

Lol Woodsey

Me n the wife in stitches with these

Same here just brilliant.

[Graham C]

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop





Dr Dre