El Loco XI

Made me chuckle anyway....

El Loco XI: The Eleven Craziest South American Footballers

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Shamelessly copied from FourFourTwo.

Goalkeeper: Rene Higuita

The poodle-permed plastic surgery advocate first came to the world#s attention at Italia 90 after a bungled attempt to dribble past 86-year-old Roger Milla. In 1995, he reaffirmed his status as the world's most maverick goalkeeper with his "scorpion save" at Wembley. Having missed USA 94 while banged up for his part in a drug-cartel kidnapping, Higuita tested positive for cocaine in 2003, but at 42, he's still playing in Colombia's second division.

Centre-back: Dario Dubois

This one-time Argentinian third division clogger played with his face made up to look like long-tongued rockers KISS. When asked to explain his matchday get-up by bemused officials, he cited a love for heavy metal and Satan.

Centre-back: Paolo Montero

The Uruguayan hardman had a simple motto: "Cunning is part of the game". This philosophy earned Montero a Serie A record 13 red cards, which proved his motto was about as cunning as Baldrick.

Centre-back: Oscar Malbernat

The uncompromising captain of Estudiantes' greatest ever team, Malbernat's crowning moment of mentalism came in the Intercontinental Cup against Feyenoord in 1970. Irked by impending defeat, the Argentinian defender grabbed bespectacled opponent Joop Van Daele, ripped his specs from his face and trampled on them, shouting "You're not allowed to place football in glasses in South America!" Quite right.

Midfielder: Ariel Ortega

The first "New Maradona" was also the barmiest, which he proved in 1998 by headbutting Edwin Van Der Sar, before almost doing the same thing to his wife in 2008. A local judge ordered him to stay away from his family for a month, during which time the "Little Donkey" - a recovering alcoholic - slept at River Plate's stadium.

Midfielder: Garrincha

Having lost his virginity to a goat, Garrincha was always going to be a bit different. To confirm this, he fathered 14 illegitimate children, killed his mother-in-law in a car crash, punched his wife in a drunken rage and drank himself into an early grave. But not before having it away with a number of nurses who were tending to him on his deathbed.

Midfielder: Djalminha

The mercurial Brazilian wasn't one to use his noggin, except on other people. While playing in Spain, he struck the nut on his manager Javier Irureta square in the chops after a training ground bust-up. He repeated the trick two years later, giving an air steward - who had the temerity to ask to see his plane ticket - a Glasgow kiss.

Midfielder: Armando Paredes

Of his record 20 fines, the most recent was the most serious. The Ecuadorian playmaker threatened to kill his former manager, Gabriel Parrone, in front of the press for substituting him during a game.

Striker: Faustino Asprilla

Forget scrapping Jose Luis Chilavert, scheming with George Reynolds, or staring out his own horse for a photoshoot, 'Tino's at his bonkers best with a gun in his hand. When playing in Chile, he turned up to training brandishing a piece and demanding that, unless the players start running, he'll shoot. Similarly, in 2008 the rubber-limbed forward was placed under house arrest for firing 31 shotgun rounds into a wall at the end of his road.

Striker: Dario (Dada Maravilha)

Brazil's '70's centre-forward used a unique performance enhancer; a hand-shandy before each game, which left him feeling "as light as the wind". Famed for his self-aggrandising quotes - "Only three things stop in the air: hummingbirds, helicopters and Dada" - he blamed the failure of his marraige on the sighting of a UFO.

Romario

Dropped by Brazil's youth team in 1985 after pissing on passers-by from his balcony. Having branded Pele a "museum piece" and Zico a "loser", in 2003 he clobbered a Fluminense fan for throwing a chicken onto the pitch. Says "the night" is his friend. Christ.

Manager: Carlos Bilardo

The self-proclaimed "craziest man in the world" once spent a game demanding his Boca team mark a player who wasn;t even on the pitch. Another time, when one of his players swapped shirts with an opponent after being thumped 6-0, Bilardo set the shirt on fire.

Substitutes:

Carlos Roa

"The lettuce" retired in 1999 because he believed the world was coming to an end.

Viola

Brazil nut once banned for attacking a radio journalist. During a match.

Hector Veira

The playboy once tied a one-armed teammate to a toilet for not passing to him.