2010 Ashes

Article of the day in the Sydney Morning Herald

No matter how low you might be, read the Aussie press the day after they lose

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As the clouds of despair engulfed Australian cricket at a far greater rate than the storm clouds that were supposed to provide ill-deserved salvation, the inclination was to declare all hope lost. However, I remain confident Australia can win the series.

Yes, the opposing batsmen will plunder an attack that penetrates about as deeply as a picnic fork pressed on a chargrilled T-bone and the Australian top order urgently requires an alarm clock that rouses them before midday. Yet, with eight or nine changes, some favourable umpiring, the aid of seasonal monsoons and the possibility the series will be cancelled altogether because it clashes with the Indian Premier League, Australia remains capable of retaining its place in the top dozen or so Test playing nations after April's proposed tour of Bangladesh.

You thought I was referring to the current series against England? Are you 'avin' a laugh?
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On the evidence presented, Australia has a snowball's hope at the 2022 World Cup of regaining the Ashes. Indeed, the idea of Ricky Ponting and his demoralised battlers halting the English juggernaut is like putting a toothpick on the tracks in the hope of derailing a speeding bullet train.

The final two days at Adelaide, we were assured, was when we would find out what this Australian team was made of. The results are not yet back from the lab, but it seems to be some sort of gooey, soft-centred material that melts rapidly when heat is applied, is easily removed from flat surfaces, does not bounce or spin and which stinks to high heaven.

The taste? Ask Alastair Cook, Kevin Pietersen or one of the other Englishmen who have dined out on the Australians for the past eight days of Test cricket.

Australia, of course, should not be disappointed by their dismal performance in Adelaide against an abundantly talented English line-up. They should be chastened, humiliated and utterly sick to the stomach.

Not merely because their ineptitude means the closest they will get to holding the Ashes is on a sightseeing tour at Lord's, but because they allowed the Barmy Army to complete the most chilling invasion of Australian soil since Japanese bombs rained down on Darwin. Listening to the endless choruses of Jerusalem and God Save Your Queen, you would have thought Adelaide was a small city in Shropshire, not the local home of mullets, serial killers and Christopher Pyne.

Which is not to say the Australians achieved nothing at the Adelaide Oval.

Xavier Doherty managed something that was, just two weeks ago, on the ''you must be daft'' side of implausible - he forced a nation to turn its lonely eyes (back) to Nathan Hauritz. Which is a bit like a chainsaw killer making you fondly reminisce about the home intruder who merely beat you on the head with a tyre lever rather than dicing up your spleen.

Marcus North, in his last match for Australia, provided a reminder of his significant place in the game's history - he was, according to Cricinfo's archive, the only Test player whose surname is also a point on the compass. North failed at the crease. But, without him, Australia might have lost all sense of direction.

In the second innings, Michael Clarke showed his backbone to someone other than the team physiotherapist. Yet he remains the most baffling figure. While you could easily forgive Clarke's decision not to walk on the (hastily tweeted) grounds he was devastated by his dismissal to Pietersen in the last over of the day, his later admission that he was trying to push the ball around the corner for a single so he could get off strike is not the type of revelation you want from the captain-apparent.

Otherwise, in the outer, we are left with nothing but our savage second-guessing of the selectors, our black humour and, for English friends, our overflowing message banks. And with the very real hope that, when required, those Bangladesh monsoons move at a greater rate than the sluggish Adelaide storm clouds.