new joke thread

[sofa----king]

what you call a man with a peice of wood on his head?

edward

what you call a man with 2 pieces of wood on his head

edward wood

what you call a man with 3 pieces of wood on his head

edward woodwood

what you call a man with  4 pieces of wood on his head

i dont know,














but edward woodwood wood

[RED-DOG]

That should be in the old joke thread

[sofa----king]

man was walking down the street,and suddenly a kid goes past on a bus a throws a big lump of cheese at him


the guy who gets hit .,,..,.,.,.,.,shouts out that was a bit imature.....

[RED-DOG]

man was walking down the street,and suddenly a kid goes past on a bus a throws a big lump of cheese at him


the guy who gets hit .,,..,.,.,.,.,shouts out "that wasn't very mature" .....

FYJ

[gatso]

think I'll stick to the other joke thread. I know it's got boldie's efforts in it but they're definitely better than yours

[henrik777]

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

Sandy

[MANTIS01]

Commonwealth Games officials have announced that despite the poor conditions, health problems, language barrier, general squalor and terrible hygiene, the games will still go ahead in Glasgow 2014.

[Dingdell]

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[Dingdell]

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

[Woodsey]

 

Pat and Mick are having a chat in a bar, Pat says to Mick "Whats your pet hate?"
Mick says "It doesn't like things shoved up his arse".

[sovietsong]

old joke thread >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> new joke thread

[geordieneil]

poor guy dies in an accident, and finds himself in hell.....obviously concerned he wonders what he did so bad on earth to deserve eternity in hell.....satan greet him.....he asks satan "satan, what did i do so bad on earth to deserve being sent to hell".
  satan replies " your worrying about nothing my friend, hell is a much better place than the earth people think....for example do you like a drink"
 fella replies "well yes, i enjoy a drink, infact on earth i spent 4 or 5 nights a week in the pub"   satan tells him "well mate, your going to love mondays, monday is drink day, we have all the finest whiskey's, rums, vodka's, gins, beers,wines and ciders you could possibly think of, and there's an unlimited supply....and don't forget you can drink as much as you want....your already dead, so no further harm can happen to you.
   satan then asks "do you like gambling"    fella replies "well yes satan, i spent 3 or 4 days in the bookies a week and played poker a couple nights too"
  "well my friend tuesday is gambling day, we have a huge casino, poker games galore, all the horse racing, football, greyhound's...in fact any bet you want.....and dont forget you have no debt worries, as your already dead."
    "wow,  hell's starting to sound great"
satan then asks " you ever shagged a prostitute?"   fella replies    "well satan mate, i did shag a couple when i went to thailand on a stag do"
    "well wednesday is whore day, we have whores from all over the world, that you can do absolutely anything you want to, shag as many of them as you like as many times as you like, and don't worry about them STD's....your dead already"

   "omfg this place sounds fkin brilliant"

   satan then stares at him for a minute and asks " here mate, your not one of them poofters are you"

bloke replies "noooo fkin way, that hole in the middle of my arse is for exits only, no ferkin entry's. the thought of it makes me sick"

 "ah well, nothings perfect.  your gonna fkin hate thursdays"

[SuuPRlim]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

[SuuPRlim]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

not gonna lie was hoping for a bit of love for this post

[maccol]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

not gonna lie was hoping for a bit of love for this post

Unfortunately trying to get this one through in a "new joke thread" would get you done under the Trade Descriptions Act.