One liners

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull
a fast one".

The third time today i've been to my joke vault - great stuff - forgotten most of these - some classic tommy cooper one liners here.....

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".
He said"Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of
seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire
at the factory that makes them. The fire brigade have tried everything.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,I
said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
onions".

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.
It was a bit choppy.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I
asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it
will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller",he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You
remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

And an aeroplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

I saw a bloke playing "Dancing Queen" on the digeredoo. I thought "thats
abba-riginal".