Carry on Cardiff

Hi guys, I was going to do a trip report, but all the tournament details have already been provided in the live updates, and a cracking good read they are too

There is also a first class tournament report by Jen on the main page, Jen writes so beautifully, anything I might add would be like a skid-mark on a cassock, so instead, I have decided to try to give you a “Behind the scenes” look at blondpoker, as an expert team of mods, updaters, and admin swing into action

I am the first of “Team blonde” to arrive

I am 4 hours early because I mistakenly thought the Wales v England rugby match was to be played at Cardiff Arms Park and the roads would be chokka block, it turned out that it was played elsewhere and I sailed down in record time. The only delay being the 10 minutes I spent trying to convince the bloke manning the toll on the Severn Bridge that my pickup should be classed as a car and not a commercial vehicle (£5 difference in price)

“It’s no bigger than a car,” I ventured, as an opening gambit

“A mouse is no bigger than an onion” he replied, “but that doesn’t make it a vegetable”

“I don’t use it as a commercial vehicle though” I pleaded

“But you COULD, if you wanted to” he said, unmoved

“I’ll tell you what” I whispered, “Why don’t you just pretend it’s a car?”

“Ok” he said with a wink, “Just give me a tenner and pretend it’s a fiver”

The casino is located at one corner of a vast car park that also serves several big retail outlets, a cinema, a pub, and a hotel. It’s a huge car park

I parked in what looked like a quiet spot. I had a bed in the back of my pickup, one, because I love to sleep as close to the outdoors as I can, and two because I’m sick of paying for hotel rooms only to bust out of the comp at 10pm and drive home without using them

I met a few other early birds in reception, one being Lord Lawrence Gosney of Leeds. Resplendent in his Barbour wax shooting jacket. He always wears it, winter and summer, being a Yorkshire man I think he’s trying to get his moneys worth, he would need an anaesthetic to get it off

He looked like he was going hunting, which to his mind, he probably was

I had some time to kill so I did what I always do at times like these, eat!

I asked a smiling young man behind the bar, “Do you do meals?”

“Yes, fish and chips, burger and chips..” he replied.

“Can I see a menu please?” I asked

He produced one quickly, printed on it in bold type were the words

FISH AND CHIPS

BURGER AND CHIPS

Halfway through my meal my phone rang, it was Snoops. In a slightly agitated voice he asked me, “Where are you?”

“I’m in the casino, where are you?”

“I don’t know”

“Are you in Cardiff Snoops?”

“Is it near the airport? I almost got there but now I’m going away again, eeek!”

At this point the phone went dead, concerned, I carried on eating my burger.

Jen arrived, looking fresh, radiant, and ready for anything, I went to greet her and offered her a hand with setting up mission control, she accepted gracefully, but really I think I was more of a hindrance than a help, Jen is an old hand at this and I’m like a bull in a china shop.

The first problem was, we had no Internet access. The Vodafone 3G card, like my mobile during my conversation with spoony, kept losing the signal

Jen, who is a bit of a computer whiz, got us connected to an outside service provider by waving a credit card and shouting at someone

Mr Kendal, with his usual impeccable timing, made his entrance, nodding and waving condescendingly to his wide-eyed admirers as he minced toward us through the card room

He plonked himself down at the updates table, produced his laptop, and with a flourish turned it on, nothing happened.

He turned it off and on again 30 or 40 more times, nothing. He plugged it out and in again, nothing. He held it upside down and shook it, nothing.

“What do you think is wrong?” I asked

“I dunno”

“Has it done it before?”

“I dunno”

“Have you dropped it?”

“I dunno”

“Do you think it’s a dodgy power lead?”

“I dunno”

“Ok, what’s the back up plan?”

“I dunno”

When things go wrong there’s nothing like having a decisive leader at the helm, and, credit where it’s due, he was nothing like a decisive leader.

We thought perhaps the fuse had gone so I was despatched to try and find a replacement.

“Do you have a fuse?” I asked the lady on reception who was by now very busy with a great horde of people all trying to get into the casino at the same time

“Yes” she replied, “But at the moment it’s very short”

We were down to one laptop, and that with a dodgy, expensive connection.

My phone rang again and I dashed over to the corner of the room that provided the best reception, it was Snoops again…

“Is it on a huge car park?”

“Yes snoops”

“I can see half of a building with the word INO written on it, is that it?”

“Yes Snoops”

“Ok, see you in a mo”

Ten minutes later my phone rang again

“I can’t get in to the car park, the barrier won’t open”

“That’s the exit barrier snoops”

El blondie comes up to me and says, “Hi Tom, I have the blondepoker shirt you ordered, it’s in the car”

“That’s great” I reply

“You can’t have it though, he says with a weary shake of his head, “Rhow had a load of them made, but she forgot to tell them to put blondepoker on them” and with a long suffering smile, he walked away.

Another half an hour passes, still no sign of Snoppy, I go outside to investigate

I find him walking around his car with a pencil and paper in his hand; he has locked his keys in the boot

“Have you rung anyone?” I ask him

“Yes” he says, his face a mask of concern, “I rang my mum”

I had a fantastic time at Cardiff, it’s a great pleasure to be with these guys, but the next time one of my grand kids wants a cowboy outfit, I’m putting a bid in for blondepoker