Funny air traffic controllers quotes

[Rod Paradise]

I really hope these are true.


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
________________________________________ _____________________

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
________________________________________ ________________________

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
________________________________________________________________

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
________________________________________________________________

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
_________________________________________________________________

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
__________________________________________________________

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
____________________________________________________________

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
_______________________________________________________________

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Claw75]

haha brilliant!

[Dingdell]

great - I have copied and emailes my one friend who now thinkis I am funny too!!

Any more - I love things like this!

[Cybertim]

those air traffic ones are my favourites..   brilliant stuff

[Rod Paradise]

great - I have copied and emailes my one friend who now thinkis I am funny too!!

Any more - I love things like this!

Right - this is a good one I was sent. I wouldn't have the bottle to actually do this one....

The Price is Right!

Last week, my girl and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT?!!! What was that?!"

So she says the word that every fella on the planet dreads to hear: "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"


Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her, we went out for a nice lunch and then went shopping at Brown Thomas. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you -- she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No girl, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really love! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"


Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

[Rod Paradise]

Quotes from the last Edinburgh Festival.....


> >The dodo died. Then Dodi died and Di died and Dando died...Dido must be
> >sh*tting herself.
> >
> >******
> >
> >Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
> >were given pointed sticks?
> >
> >******
> >
> >A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,
> >"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
> >we're not going to get much done."
> >
> >
> >******
> >
> >I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
> >
> >******
> >
> >My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking
> >he would have been better off with more oxygen.
> >
> >******
> >
> >You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
> >eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And
>you
> >murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ...Self-raising?"
> >
> >
> >******
> >
> >I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
> >obvious one was "Shout For Help".
> >
> >******
> >
> >Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
> >out
> >it was a bloody hoax.
> >
> >
> >******
> >
> >Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner
> >and a loser at the same time.
> >
> >
> >******
> >
> >The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
> >bears.
> >
> >******
> >
> >My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
> >our
> >family holidays in Customs.
> >
> >******
> >
> >Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its
>hind
> >legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're
> >enjoying it as well.
> >
> >*******
> >
> >A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
> >hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the
> >circus?"  The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
> >
> >******
> >
> >I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
>got
> >one!"
> >
> >*****
> >
> > It's easy to distract fat people.  It's a piece of cake.
> >
> >*******
> >
> >I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very
> >good at it.
> >
> >******
> >
> >If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
>then
> >on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained
> >for
> >that.
> >
> >******
> >
> >Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
> >
> >******
> >
> >My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
> >never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
> >at night.
> >
> >******
> >
> >My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when  I
> >was
> >two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
> >
> >******
> >
> >I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl
> >out of Cork ...
> >
> >
> >******
> >
> >Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
> >
> >******
> >
> >The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
> >someone in the face.

[mex]

err. they sound like jimmy carr to me.

[Royal Flush]

I really hope these are true.


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
________________________________________ _____________________

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
________________________________________ ________________________

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
________________________________________________________________

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
________________________________________________________________

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
_________________________________________________________________

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
__________________________________________________________

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
____________________________________________________________

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
_______________________________________________________________

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

Hadn't heard the B-52 one before brilliant. Most of these are in all sorts of versions and diff places but i do believe them. I have heard some amazing thigns on the radio that you would not believe!

[Royal Flush]

My fave one:




The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, callsign Speedbird 206:
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."

[Dingdell]

My fave one:




The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, callsign Speedbird 206:
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."

lol

[Rod Paradise]

More for Dingdell, customer calls....


Customer:     "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator:     "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer:     "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator:     "Sir, they are our opening hours".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator:     "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller:          "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator:      "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator:      " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to
the other side of the car?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries
Caller:               "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator:          "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller:               "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller:             "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support:      "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer:             "OK".
Tech Support:      "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer:             "No".
Tech Support:      "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer:             "No".
Tech Support:      "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
 Customer:            "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support:          "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer:                 "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Robert HM]

Pilots and Mechanics: Problems and Solutions
Quantas Airlines has a policy whereby after every flight, pilots fill out a form that tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems and document their repairs on the form, and pilots review the sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance workers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P - Problem logged by the pilot)
(S - Solution and action taken by mechanics)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Cupcake]

 ...all very funny.



     Great stuff...