Tournament Report issued by Royal Command.
As Loofah entered the Hallowed Hall of Poker yesterday after-lunch, he was accosted by Teejay – brother of renowned media moth, the Emperor of Skype Ochre.
Desperately trying to shake free from the rugby tackle of the Kendall sibling, a montage of ‘Events Sunday’ was quickly agreed to satisfy his Recognition Craving Syndrome, and registration was accomplished.
Loofah didn’t know whether to alert security, or Sigmund bloody Freud!
The Chompy Pickup Zone was sans Wheldon …. Loofah mused that having finally achieved his lifetime goal of ‘winning’ a poker tournament, a month long Latvian Cellar Celebration was in progress.
84 runners meant the £2.5k guarantee was ‘secure’ ….. Jaws mischievously celebrated by turning up Shane McGowan’s reverent Christmas Carol song over the PA …… Teejay repeatedly raised his “I’m OK for a Mention in Dispatches?” thumb whenever I caught his eye, pffff!
The Christmas Poker Oddbods were out in hordes, as your Wondrous Scribe introduced them to the Festive party game of Check Raise the Nuts.
Chris, reg, in seat 8 certainly wasn’t entering into the Spirit of Xmas. When observed that the introduction of a palomino feline friend, to complement his balder than a badger’s bum bonce, was in keeping with a BBC2 Ian Fleming Boxing Day offer …. Dr No growled, his face redder than a pickled walnut, in rage.
The Internet Fairy had removed the pine needles from his rectum and sitting, gingerly, in trap 7 attempted to steal every blind per round with odd sized bets.
Luckily Loofah had ‘read up’ on this new-fangled Pagan Religion and eventually restored Christianity to the season of goodwill ….. re-inserting the Nordic Spruce, and positioning him next to the toilet entrance, for all to enjoy - Teejay continued to raise his “I’m OK for a Mention in Dispatches?” thumb whenever I caught his eye, pffff!
Nick the Doc's uninvited turbo verbal ramblings had all and sundry perplexed - his content being a mix of Myland, 4 am BBC2 School Science programmes and Wikipedia .... not funny, inaccurate and bordering upon the disturbed.
Loofah (who loves a lateral thinker) conducted a rapid psychoanalysis appraisal ..... yup, he was still as phuqqing nuts as the last time they'd met.
Blahdee, blahdee and onto a proper LooTown FT.
Jim ‘the Diplomat’ McBride had gate-crashed, followed by Pino the Wino, Ascerbic Aussie Vic, Mr Blue Shirt was in attendance (Loofah had already splatted his entro uno), Neil ‘The Bells’ had his chin on the bumper (Loofah almost told him to take his seat, even though he had!), Goatee Phil (of Village People fame) and a few Awestruck Feature Table Randoms stood between Loofah and ho, ho, ho.
Looking round, “I’m OK for a Mention in Dispatches?” was scooping on the DC …. Loofah gave him a ‘thumbs up’ – Teejay was obviously the more talented member of the Kendall gene pool.
Down to three, and the Dirty Digger from Darwin was awash with Xmas Prezzies …. Loofah, and Wino, looked on glumly.
Then the Fruit of a Victorian Silk Handkerchief Snatcher’s loins raised your Award Winning Authors BB.
Now Loofah knew that most loyal Aussies wouldn’t risk the dignity of ‘their’ Royal Family by endangering anything with a Crown on its head in such a smutty arena, so a king or a queen was not in his mit.
Loofah had cunningly counted Vic’s fingers, and ascertained that seven was the sum total of his numeracy range, and insta-called with nut 8 9 off.
A pleasing flop of 8 9 x was checked by the POM, to be un-pleasingly checked back.
Hurrah, a six on the turn and we were in The Digital Age …. Check …. All in …. Call!
The Confounded Convict’s J6 was river faded, as his stack tumbled quicker than an Aussie Ashes batting collapse ……. The Empire had struck back!
Pino intervened with Chompyesque timing, and exploiting the – still chip leaders – emotional turpitude, proposed the deal ….. a three way chop, with us giving Vanquished Vic a nifty each on top.
Reeling in despair, the Outback Twitchy Anal Virus spread like a bushfire throughout his body, and he agreed.
So with 920 Christmas Eve Oblivion Vouchers in his sky (sic) Loofah departed, smugly content that that Teejay hasn’t got a hope in hell of getting a Mention in Dispatches!