For the 24 fans out there.....

[JungleCat03]

The funniest facts about the guy we all love from 24....

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

When Jack Bauer plays golf with Phil Ivey, he shoots off a -72 handicap. Ivey will have settled up with Bauer by the year 2089 assuming he takes down the wsop 3 times in that time.

[boldie]

lmao....I hate 24 (after the first series I couldn't stand watching any more as that turned out soo ridiculously as soon as his mrs got the amnesia it was all over for me)...but this is funny stuff.

[thetank]

The first 12 hours of each series are the best.

Jack solves everything, but the paperwork he files gets lost in the post or something, and he has to do it all over again.

[NoflopsHomer]

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Spoilers

www.bauercount.com

An up-to-date bauer death count.

[Pab]

Brilliant!

[The Baron]

Quality post!

[The Baron]

I got this by email this morning:

Jack Bauer never wears a condom for sex, he doesn't "do" protection.
Kim
Bauer only exists because they don't make Kevlar condoms.

If you are a guy and Jack Bauer shags you it isn't because he is gay,
its
because you're a girl.

Jack Bauer does not sleep, he waits.

When you play "21's" with Jack Bauer, only 24's count. He can win with
just
one card. He is also the only person to ever score a 24 card trick.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in
gratitude
for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after
people
kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack
Bauer
and lives.

The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because
he had
to kill her himself.

Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a
table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right
where
I want them."

Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch.

After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species
List.

Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.

Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's
basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack
Bauer's
PC. Ever.

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world
of
Communism.

"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.

Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured,
beaten
and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for
revenge
is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get
bored on
long trips.

Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still
afloat
is that Jack Bauer doesn't feel like swimming all the way to China.

When playing "Truth or Dare," Jack Bauer dares you not to tell him the
truth.

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up,
Jack
would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized
his
mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.

"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".

Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.

Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to
be
quiet.

Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four
minutes of
interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there is no life on Mars.

On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream
together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the
call,
call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times.

Jack Bauer's dog put a sign on his fence that read "Beware of Jack."

Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her
to be
kidnapped by terrorists.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

Shakira's hips use to lie, until they met Jack Bauer.

In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack
Bauer to the ground and break his rib. I hate how unrealistic 24 is
sometimes.

Jack Bauer destroyed the table of elements because the only element he
believes in, is the element of surprise.

Having sex with Jack Bauer has also been called "Lethal Injection."

The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.

One hour after being conceived, Jack Bauer was born. Jack never takes
more
than an hour to get out of a hole.

Kim is proof that "it skips a generation".

Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.

Jack Bauer is the reason Enrique Iglesias no longer has that thing on
his
face. Jack Bauer fucking hates moles.

Jack Bauer smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally
smokes.

Jack Bauer is the only person who can also beat the gay out of Elton
John.

At school, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball. Jack Bauer only plays
hardball.

You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing
escapes
Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him
blink.

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave
up the
location of the egg.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance
Armstrong
it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

Jack Bauer is so well endowed that if he were on Prison Break, the
blueprints would all be tattooed around his penis.

Contrary to popular belief, the clock noise on "24" isn't recorded.
It's a
live feed from Jack Bauer's heart.

Only Jack Bauer can talk about what happens in Vegas outside of Vegas.

One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer. This is why he is
no
longer able to wrestle.

Andrex attempted to put out a "Jack Bauer Toilet Paper". It had to be
recalled because Jack Bauer takes shit from nobody.

When Jack Bauer tells you to jump, you don't ask "How High?" You ask,
"When
can I come down?"

A "Bauer movement" is when you shit your pants after Jack Bauer shows
up at
your door.

Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest. Jack Bauer also
knows
the secret of why the Mona Lisa is smiling.

When shocked, normal people say, "Jesus Christ", Jesus says, "Oh My
God",
God says, "For the love of Jack Bauer".

Spiderman kissed Mary Jane upside-down. Jack Bauer would have gotten laid.

Jack Bauer's first job was as a waiter, he was fired soon after. Jack
Bauer
takes orders from no one.

[Royal Flush]

lol some great ones in there

[thetank]

If you are a guy and Jack Bauer shags you it isn't because he is gay,
its
because you're a girl.

Struggling with this un.