The aircraft completely self diagnoses and fault isolates it's own problems,if they get Wall-E in i will be made redundant.However it will take time to achieve my panache with a club hammer.
I was reminded of this:
AIRCRAFT GROUND CREW RESPONSES
This set of aircraft faults/responses has been attributed to numerous American airlines and sometimes to military pilots and their ground crew. Each time, the list gets a little longer and a little sillier. A fighter pilot version turned up during the 2003 Iraq conflict. Another 2003 version was attributed to Qantas, on the grounds that Qantas is the only major airline never to have had an accident. The faults cover a range of military and civil aircraft from propeller engines through to jets. While some of the original entries may have been genuine, later ones have almost certainly been added as jokes. The following compendium is courtesy of friends in the aerospace industry.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics and other ground crew any problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics/ground crew read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers or ground crew.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: The autopilot doesn't.
S: IT DOES NOW.
P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
S: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Pilot's clock inoperative.
S: Wound clock.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: 3 roaches in cabin.
S: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
S: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
P: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
S: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.
P: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
S: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.
P: Whining sound heard on #2 engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Funny sounds from behind instrument panel.
S: Installed non-funny sounds.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to "straighten up, fly right, and be serious".
P: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
S: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
P: Turn-and-slip indicator ball stuck in centre during turns.
S: Congratulations. You have just made your first co-ordinated turn.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
S: Fresh seat cushion on order.
P: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
S: Ground checks OK.
P: Weather radar went ape!
S: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess.
And this one from a pilot instructor who ejected from a military trainer aircraft:
P: Reason for emergency eject: Landing gear would not retract
S: Aircraft had fixed landing gear. Aircraft written off.
Aerospace engineer Adam Leech submitted the following joke "gripes" after a couple of occasions in which RAF Harriers had ditched into the sea or the River Yeo.
P: Indication of moisture in intake.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.
P: Electrical shorting in controls due to moisture ingress.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.
P: Tendency for canopy to mist up.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.
P: Numerous water leaks from fuselage.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.
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