Abuse at the poker table took an interesting form yesterday in the local £50er.
I had the pleasure of being sat at what can fairly be described as the willywavingest poker table I've ever encountered. There must have been six players with preposterously grotesque egos chuntering away at each play they witnessed with a menacing undertone.
Seat four hadn't moved a chip in anger in, I was later assured, a good two hours. He got his money and the developing cobwebs in with a suitably sizeable hand against two opponents and duly trebled up. As he was raking the spoils of victory in, the chap to his left banged the table with fearsome disdain: "If I'd called with my
, I would have won!". Quite right, too, as it would have made the nut flush. But people don't tend to put 30bb in with such hands, when two people (including the world's most patient man) have already emptied their pockets on the table. At best, an unhelpful remark.
The victor turns to this young man and gives him a look as though he'd just urinated on his prize-winning sandscupture.
"No, son," he assured him "
I won the pot"
Not satisfied by the answer - and seemingly offended that this man could be offended - the lad re-popped:
"No. I said if I HAD have called, I WOULD HAVE won. It's called the conditional tense,
mate"
Having been an awkward and passive observer until now, this tipped me over the edge. The sheer cheek to take away this bloke's one pot in the last two hours by declaring a hand you correctly folded would have bested his, so the victory was only Phyrric anyway is bad enough, but to patronise him in a local comp with an exercise in grammar takes the entire box of special occasion biscuits.
"I think you'll find it's the conditional perfect."
"Sorry?"
"The conditional perfect - you said 'would have won', which is in the past. Not the conditional."
The victor of the pot had almost finished angrily stacking his chips when he looked up to give me an assenting nod. I'm not sure whether he understood exactly what I was on about, but he definitely understood why I'd said it.
Not on my watch, sunshine.
I should add that we had a laugh about it later and the table was, whilst still full of oneupmanship and wee-wee contestry, a little more conducive to the spirit of the occasion.
Nothing like a good grammar-off to get the Saturday night juices flowing.
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