"For crying out loud Jeeves, if you are going to write my blog you have to come up with better atmosphere shots than that"
He pointed at the photo editing software on the laptop, and began clicking his mouse furiously as he scrolled through the pictures
"Carpets"
"Oh look Jeeves, Carpets"
"Empty chairs"
"More carpets. Sponsored by Carpetright Jeeves? What interest do you think my discerning readers have in carpets? You know I am paid per click of the blog you write for me and......look...look"
He was getting more and more irate, his finger jabbing at the screen
I decided to alter the course of the ticking off I was currently getting
"Sir, I have received a note from Mr Brammer of Southampton. The one who looks like the Sugar Puff fella. Spot of bother sir. Needs you in the Amazon room"
"Really Jeeves? What TYPE of bother?"
"Not sure sir, but I gather Mr McCorkell of Brighton has final tabled, and there is a gathering of young Brits in the vicinity cheering him on."
"Come on then Jeeves, the Amazon it is"
A few minutes later we were at the scene. Little David was there. A tall man with a waxed bald head stood by his side. A man I only knew as "Sammy" with his baseball cap and glasses askew, looking like CBBC television presenter was shouting at a security guard. Behind a rail Mr Brammer was being held in a headlock by two burly ladies with enormous truncheons.
tikay's mouth gaped open. He spoke to the Bald man
"What's going on James?"
James appeared distracted. He was playing five simultaneous games of Chinese Poker on his IPad at once, muttering under his breath
"Fuck you Sorel, fuck you, I'll get you"
So tikay turned his attention to Little David
"What's going on Little David?"
David appeared distracted. He held up his hand to tikay
"Only got three and a half fingers on this hand tikay, hahaha..it was one night in Leeds and..."
tikay had heard it several times before, he turned to face someone else.
"Ahhh Mr Channing. Someone who will talk sense to me. What's going on?"
Neil appeared distracted
"IPoker TWO? You've put us in two? One second, just got to mention tonight's overlay on facebook.....He's what? Split us in two?"
tikay was getting nowhere, so I gestured to him to relax and I sought out the opinion of the most sensible looking person around. Eames was his name. Eames was busy sorting out his self invested personal pension plan with a copy of the Wall Street Journal on his lap while mayhem around him ensued.
It turns out that someone called Justin Bono had complained about the noise of the rail, security had intervened, Brits had complained, the rail had been dispersed and now bad blood and bad feeling hung in the air.
I returned to tikay. He really was not having a good time of it as now Antonio the Magician was asking him for $50,000 to wear a Sky Poker badge on what remained of the final table.
I explained to tikay that his help as an intermediary was needed, and could he please speak to the TD with a view to reinstating the rail. tikay's back stiffened. Never happier than with a dispute to settle, though no doubt it was unusual for him not to have to use 43 forum private messages to do so, he strode off in the direction of assorted suits and returned a few minutes later
He ushered the youths back to their seats, and explained that if they behaved themselves, they could continue to support their new rich friend.
"WANKERS" cried Brammer
"I'M GOING TO BUST YOU BASTARDS LIMP RE-RAISING 10-3 OFF UTG" screamed Grafton
"I'd like to hedge my position in facebook, and put a call into Warren Buffet" whispered Eames to his broker.
"tikay, what's an Oyster card?" enquired Baldilocks.
and off they went to sit
Of course, tikay being tikay the course of true diplomacy never ran entirely smoothly.
"tikay, shoe bomb?" said Little David innocently a few minutes later with a twinkle in his eye
and so, after much prevarication, I had to witness the sight of My Master, approaching the twilight of an august career across a number of commercial spheres, drinking a latte out of his own brown brogue.
Readers, a new low for the trip had been reached
As players forty years his junior egged him on, he finished his shoe. With a broad grin, and a top lip covered in white foam, he thrust his shoe into the air and cried
"FREEDOM! THEY'LL NEVER TAKE OUR RAIL"
Across the room, truncheons were unholstered in readiness........
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