"No sir, I am NOT putting on a cat outfit for you"
It was time to put my foot down. Fifteen hours of traipsing round freezing conference rooms, taking interminable snaps of people playing poker, and my patience had finally snapped
"Please Jeeves, just this once. I know its not the same as tattytats, but...."
His voice trailed off. One yank of a cats tail was enough for one day at his age, I thought to myself, and slipped a couple of advil into his Horlicks
Soon after, he was out for the count, which was just as well because I had an assignation with Little David on his last night before leaving for the flooded climes of Yorkshire
I had met him a few hours earlier on my only break of the day, on which I chose to wander innocently past the swimming pool in the hotel complex being very careful not to let me eyes wander.
Little David attracted my attention
"Jeeves!! JEEVES!"
I looked round but all I saw was a schoolboy in tatty Primark hand me downs
"Jeeves, its LilDave met. Gettt, met, gettttt"
I looked blankly.
"Jeeves, we're off to Surrender tonight. You in?"
I did a quick calculation around the finishing time of day1a, the likely time the advil would kick in, how long that would give me, and answered
"Of course Mr Nicholson"
"Gettttt, metttt. Come upstairs with me, will give you some tickets"
I went upstairs and we entered his suite. Within which was a remarkable scene, with Mr Dempsey, Mr Kelly and assorted young ladies playing twister. For $10,000 a game.
They paused long enough for me to ascertain that Mr Dempsey's cranial waxing did not extend below the jawline. I asked them to pose for a quick snap for tikay's blog
| Click to see full-size image. |
As we could see, there was much I could do with Mr Nicholson in the areas of deportment and style, for I was not quite sure what possessed him to think that looking like an extra from a Happy Mondays Tour in 1987 was quite going to cut the mustard in Surrender that evening.
I took my leave as Mr Kelly spun the twister once again exclaiming
"Angela, you have to put your left leg through my legs and your right arm on James' head"
Dempsey paused long enough to adjust his sunglasses which of course were vital given the glare from the completely shaded room and joined in.
So, later on, with tikay in feline-inspred dreamland, I met with Nicholson outside his suite.
I had devised a quick checklist for him, a before-and-after if you like, to make sure that he would enjoy the evening but more importantly come through unscathed
The list was as follows
1. Ten Fingers and thumbs
2 Ten Toes
I handed it to him. He looked at me
I spoke, slowly.
"Sir, you have twenty fingers, thunbs and toes. Count them now"
Transporting himself to the kindergarten once more he softly sung to himself as he counted
"Ten fingers and thumbs keep moving, ten fingers and thumbs keep moving"
Satisfied, he moved to his feet
"This little piggy came to market, this little piggy stayed at home....."
Twenty, intact
"Sir" I continued "you will return with twenty"
He nodded, unconvincingly, because who knew what would happen on a Nicholson night out?
Well, he had a wonderful time, I had him so well trained that he would even hold out his fingers for me whenever I took a snap. This was despite the lead singer of My Chemical Romance gatecrashing the picture. Most unwelcome
| Click to see full-size image. |
Later on, though, as he began to be accosted by a former tube driver, I felt as his guardian for the night that things were going to get a bit out of hand
| Click to see full-size image. |
I gestured to him, took him outside, and took him back home
As promised, as we entered his suite, he counted
"One, Two...." Fingers and thumbs, all present and correct
"One, two..." Toes, all present and correct
I felt I had done my job, until a cry from the sofa
"Jeeves, MY SHOES, I'VE LOST MY SHOES"
Despite my best intentions, he had not come through the night completely unscathed then.....
Author