Joke!!

[stonecoldkiller]

Paddy was in court for punching his wife again. The judge asks, "why do you keep beating your wife?".  Paddy says "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork".

[Tractor]

Steve Jobs is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem.
It will be rebranded as iLand

[MANTIS01]

Saudia arabia doesn't like the Flintstones but abi dabi du

[RED-DOG]

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam locomotive. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.

[Girgy85]

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam locomotive. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.

Not nice to talk about tikay like that!!

[Woodsey]

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the Lotto?"

She says,

"I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,

"I won £12 , here's £6 - now Fuck off!" 

[Woodsey]

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each..

Barak goes first.

“What will the USA be like in 100 years time”

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out, "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

David thinks “Its not bad this time machine; I'll have a bit of that,” so he asks,

“What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and he gets a printout.
But he's just staring at it.

“Come on David,” says Barak, “What does it say?”

David replies,

“I'm buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!”

[boldie]

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

[bobAlike]

I received a letter of complaint today from ScrewFix.
Apparently they're not a dating agency

[EvilPie]

I got a new eastern european cleaning lady today.

It took her 5 hours just to hoover the living room!!

Turns out she was a slovac.

[sovietsong]

I got a call today from the school, complaining that my son has been lying. "He's good", I said, "I don't even have a son"

[boldie]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

[thetank]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

You are the greatest

[sweet potata!]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

Copyright infringement soz Boldie, I posted on FB , no offence.

[The_nun]

Lol oh dearty me.