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Author Topic: Joke!!  (Read 310216 times)
MANTIS01
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« Reply #1320 on: July 03, 2019, 02:29:10 PM »

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure

I said I didn’t know that one but I could have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody
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RED-DOG
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« Reply #1321 on: July 03, 2019, 03:31:11 PM »

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure

I said I didn’t know that one but I could have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody

Lol.
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booder
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« Reply #1322 on: July 07, 2019, 11:04:52 AM »

While driving through the country lanes in Wales I came across a farm that was not only advertising potatoes and carrots for sale etc, it was advertising cough mixture, head ache tablets etc.

 Intrigued by this I drove up to the farmhouse and knocked on the door.
 The door was quickly opened by a burly Welsh farmer.
 I explained to him that I was intrigued by the goods that he was selling he replied "Well I'm a farmer see"
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Quote from: action man
im not speculating, either, but id have been pretty peeved if i missed the thread and i ended up getting clipped, kindly accepting a lift home.

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King Jr
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« Reply #1323 on: July 07, 2019, 11:23:48 AM »

While driving through the country lanes in Wales I came across a farm that was not only advertising potatoes and carrots for sale etc, it was advertising cough mixture, head ache tablets etc.

 Intrigued by this I drove up to the farmhouse and knocked on the door.
 The door was quickly opened by a burly Welsh farmer.
 I explained to him that I was intrigued by the goods that he was selling he replied "Well I'm a farmer see"


Took me ages.
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booder
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« Reply #1324 on: July 08, 2019, 09:08:23 AM »

I was walking through a herb garden, when I thought I heard the ghost of Robin Gibb.

It was just the Chive Talking.
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Quote from: action man
im not speculating, either, but id have been pretty peeved if i missed the thread and i ended up getting clipped, kindly accepting a lift home.

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King Jr
MANTIS01
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What kind of fuckery is this?


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« Reply #1325 on: July 09, 2019, 02:10:11 PM »

After looking through my wife’s phone we had a massive argument

She said “Why do you always have to play the detective. I think we should split up!”

I said “Great idea. We can cover more ground that way!”
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Tikay - "He has a proven track record in business, he is articulate, intelligent, & presents his cases well"

Claw75 - "Mantis is not only a blonde legend he's also very easy on the eye"

Outragous76 - "a really nice certainly intelligent guy"

taximan007 & Girgy85 & Celtic & Laxie - <3 Mantis
booder
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« Reply #1326 on: July 13, 2019, 08:01:07 PM »

To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
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Quote from: action man
im not speculating, either, but id have been pretty peeved if i missed the thread and i ended up getting clipped, kindly accepting a lift home.

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King Jr
MANTIS01
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« Reply #1327 on: July 13, 2019, 08:38:52 PM »

I told my wife off for drawing her eyebrows too high on her forehead.

She looked surprised.

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Tikay - "He has a proven track record in business, he is articulate, intelligent, & presents his cases well"

Claw75 - "Mantis is not only a blonde legend he's also very easy on the eye"

Outragous76 - "a really nice certainly intelligent guy"

taximan007 & Girgy85 & Celtic & Laxie - <3 Mantis
RED-DOG
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« Reply #1328 on: August 25, 2019, 01:55:26 PM »

Never look at the sun through a colander, you might strain your eyes.
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booder
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« Reply #1329 on: September 11, 2019, 11:23:19 PM »

DEAR NEIGHBOUR:

Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Regards

Richard

Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Checker had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
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Quote from: action man
im not speculating, either, but id have been pretty peeved if i missed the thread and i ended up getting clipped, kindly accepting a lift home.

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King Jr
EvilPie
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« Reply #1330 on: October 23, 2019, 08:12:56 AM »


F**king idiots setting fireworks off in October!! Who does that???

Scared my dog shitless.

Poor thing ran straight through the Christmas tree!!!

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Motivational speeches at their best:

"Because thats what living is, the 6 inches in front of your face......" - Patrick Leonard - 10th May 2015
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« Reply #1331 on: November 04, 2019, 12:03:14 PM »

"These steroids will make you grow an extra penis"

"Anabolic?"

"No, just a penis"
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« Reply #1332 on: November 04, 2019, 12:04:56 PM »

I asked the wife if I was the only one she had been with.

"Yes" she replied, "All the others were 9s and 10s"
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cish n fhips
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« Reply #1333 on: November 05, 2019, 07:51:24 PM »

Just heard about the women with no arms and legs,who won a srawberry
picking contest


Jammy twat.
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engy
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« Reply #1334 on: November 05, 2019, 10:37:14 PM »

Just heard about the women with no arms and legs,who won a srawberry
picking contest


Jammy twat.



😂😂😂😂
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