Expanding my Empire

[TheChipPrince]

Any accom provided?

What I will offer:

[X] Accomodation if required

[marcin123]

Any accom provided?

What I will offer:

[X] Accomodation if required

plus a chance to work with the master of sports betting...

[Girgy85]

Any accom provided?

What I will offer:

[X] Accomodation if required

Missed that!

In that case when is my interview?

[GreekStein]

and I think you get a free trip to Paris every month, for Brent's 4-weekly visit to his hair styliste extraordinaire Jean-Phillipe Michelle du Gaugain Clafoutis VI.

[Ironside]

and I think you get a free trip to Paris every month, for Brent's 4-weekly visit to his hair styliste extraordinaire Jean-Phillipe Michelle du Gaugain Clafoutis VI.

you mean he actually wants his hair looking like that

i thought it was just cause he couldnt afford a comb

[booder]

Please Mr Horneris,
i would like to be considered for the aforementioned position.
I fulfill all the listed criteria,plus i can cook and i am quite handy with hoovering and dusting.
I feel that i would be an asset and would like to become a part of your expanding empire.

thank you

The Colonel.

[TheChipPrince]

Some rough translations I've harnested from Brent's comments/requirements:


What will be expected from the apprentice:

[X] Collect the racing post and other media in the morning = Get up about 12 after a late night on FM 2010.  You WILL lose to me, its part of the job.  I will be Scunthorpe, you will be Man Ure, you will select Macheda in goal, and Owen at left back.  Paul Hayes will get the winner, smashing the ball in off Old' Bacon Faces nose, via a deflection off Neville's sweaty upper lip. I shall perform a victory dance, you will bow.

[X] Initial research to be brought to mid morning meeting = Leftover pizza to be re-heated and brought on a tray of ChipRich’s sweaty under-garments solidified over the past few months.  The pizza will lack cheese, ChipRich’s under-garments will not.

[X] Placing of bets - Push-Bike will be supplied = Run like a savage beast through the streets of Leeds, kissing the Bremner statue on the way, get into said bookies. DO NOT return home without free pen from bookies. *NOTE:  If bookies out of pens, call home via Argos.

[X] General Assistance = 24 hour garage visits are a must, they will become your new church, Viz will be your bible.


I am also looking for the following attributes:

[X] Hardworking = Do f*ck all most days, simply be there incase I spot value in the 3.30 @ Kempton.  When said horse falls at the 2nd, keep saying over and over, ‘It WAS value’.  *Trigg will confirm said value upon texting him, you WILL text for me.  Trigg will confirm, 2 weeks later.

[X] Good with numbers = Microwave buttons have numbers, learn them off by heart.  Ping cooking FTW.

[X] Trustworthy* = When the kissing the previously mentioned Bremner statue, do not steal him, take him home and dress him up as Mike Grella.  This is not trustworthy.  This is bad. Look after every penny like its your own.  Text Rookie for info, do not text dawn off Babestation, that is expensive, naughty and down right perverted.

[X] General Shrewdness** = Spotting value for said master.  2 for 1 offers at Tesco, jammie dodger promotions & kebab flavour pot noodles.  Browse kelkoo for said promotions. Hype up all talk of Leeds’ promotion will earn extra bonus points too.


What I will offer:

[X] A chance to come thrive in a professional environment = The flat will be a mess, do not kid yourself.  You WILL tidy it to a reasonable student standard (for that read utter sh*thole), if you live with your parents at the mo you will have no trouble, if you live on your own prepare yourself.  

[X] One on one lessons on how to find the value = master will click the mouse when he feels like it, on days where he is struggling to motivate himself, you will place his finger on the mouse, caress it gently and upon him shouting ‘Super Jason Wilcox’, put your finger on top of his and gently lower it.  *This rules out him suing you when he bets £500 on Michael Owen scoring 5 goals this season.

[X] A set wage as well as performance related bonuses = If I have a sh*t week, you have a sh*t weekend.  Simple.  If I bink, we will spank it on Lambrini and Hookers, if I don’t, err……….

[X] Accomodation if required =  Sleep on the couch, don’t take the p*ss, the spare room is for the holy grail, the racing post, it has its own room. You will refer to it as the the holy grail unless I grant you permission not to. Knock before entering his room. *Boldie also has said room, an exchange programme may run with him at a future date.

[byronkincaid]

VVG mr chipprince sir!

[810ofclubs]

An epic love story

[thetank]

 

[Rod Paradise]

Please Mr Horneris,
i would like to be considered for the aforementioned position.
I fulfill all the listed criteria,plus i can cook and i am quite handy with hoovering and dusting.
I feel that i would be an asset and would like to become a part of your expanding empire.

thank you

The Colonel.

As The Colonel's first reference - he does a cracking hangover fryup!!! He's also not bad at cleaning up Buckfast splatter.

[Acidmouse]

How far is laddys in Headingly from you?

[kinboshi]

NH Dwayne!!!

[ViiperUK]

I think ive just found my ideal job! Im your man BH!!

Any accom provided?

oi hands off my job + you wouldnt fit on the bike

Id run!

and then you'd fit on the bike!

[ChipRich]

hahahha excellent ChipPrince. All so true too.

How far is laddys in Headingly from you?

far enough!

We're just before 'the Village', left at those Traffic Lights before it.