Laxie through the Looking Glass

[pleno1]

who's jack!?

[Laxie]

who's jack!?

Technolog here on blonde.  Go back to somewhere around page 106 or 107 if ya want to catch up.

[The_duke]

Ger's landing this weekend!  He arrives Saturday and he's staying the night. 

[  ] Gardening
[  ] Shopping
[  ] Cleaning

I would love to but it's my back you see......

[Laxie]

Ger's landing this weekend!  He arrives Saturday and he's staying the night. 

[  ] Gardening
[  ] Shopping
[  ] Cleaning

I would love to but it's my back you see......

Don't you worry...we've got ya covered.

[ x ]  drinking

[Bongo]

Think you both left out [ ] Limes

[Laxie]

Think you both left out [ ] Limes

You obv know Ger.  In which case you know that goes without saying.   

[technolog]

Having read the above posts, I'm basically screwed aren't I?

[Rod Paradise]

Almost forgot.  Monday evening Whelly called over to see how I'd got on with the front.  The three of us surveyed the work and discussed what should happen Tuesday. 

That's when they came up with the bright idea of burning the back lawn.  Picture the scene.  Dried lawn lit.  Goes mad.  Heading for the neighbour's timber fence.  No hose.  FFS.  Cue Laxie tearing back and forth with pails of water from kitchen whilst the Lads look on admiring the burning lawn.  At least I saved the neighbour's timber fence.  And even managed a photo before realising I'd a fence to worry about.

Click to see full-size image.

At least you didn't try this one from an old email I got, wasn't me - honest!!!

How NOT to clear a back garden....

You will need;

    An unkempt back garden
    Eight concrete paving slabs
    An old, abandoned wooden table
    A nearby lilac bush
    Matches, (but no propellants)



Arrange to be wearing a pair of light, comfortable training-shoes.

Tidy your back garden, concluding the operation by sweeping the assorted dry twigs and dead branches into a large pile.

Survey the pile, and calculate that approximately eight bin-bags would be required to dispose of everything.

Decide against this, and resolve instead to burn the rubbish, drawing on your previously determined skills in handling wood-fired central heating to construct an efficient fireplace for its disposal.

Stand four of the concrete paving slabs on their edges to surround an area of ground about two feet square, tight to the back of the garden. Lean the slabs inwards slightly to support each other's weight without the need for fastening or sinking into the earth.

Pile the twigs and branches into your impromptu stove.

Light the twigs and branches.

Throw on more twigs and branches until flames are leaping out of the top of the stove and teasing the overhanging branches of your nearby lilac bush.

Wait for the fire to die down a little.

Throw on more twigs and branches.

Observe the flames once again teasing the lilac bush, and decide to enclose the stove. Manhandling a fifth concrete paving slab on top of the flames would obviously be foolhardily dangerous, so instead cover the stove with rotten planking from an old, abandoned wooden table. The rotten planking is damp, and will therefore not burn.

The air in your enclosed stove is now superheating, rising exceptionally rapidly into the sky and sucking in its wake the cold, ground level air through the cracks between the paving slabs. This phenomenon tightly concentrates the fire within, sending jets of flame several feet through the primitive wood roof. This phenomenon was known to the bombers of Dresden as "firestorm."

Stand back a little.

The rotten planking should by now have been roasted dry and is beginning itself to burn in earnest. Wait for the glue between two planks to melt, which should drop one half into the stove and spill the other over the edge to land on the roots of the lilac bush, setting a line of flame racing across to a pile of dry twigs half-hidden awkwardly behind the stove and firing them prematurely.

Kick the burning plank off the roots of the lilac bush and stamp on it with your light, comfortable training-shoes until extinguished. Cautiously reach your leg around the white heat of the stove and kick apart the external pile of burning twigs.



Observe the roaring, flaming, jetting stove thoughtfully until the paving slab forming the back of the stove explodes with enough force to frighten the pigeons in their loft two doors down and set dogs barking in another street, this explosion blasting out pieces of concrete in sizes ranging from those of a pea to those of a satsuma and hurling the largest part, about a quarter of the slab, through the trunk of the lilac bush as if it had been struck a good solid blow with an axe. The stove will collapse in on itself, flinging burning debris in all directions.

Congratulations! Your garden is now on fire.

Stand back a little.



Obtain a bucket of water from your kitchen. Run to the main mass of the collapsed fire and throw the water over it. As the water leaves the bucket, consider the effect of a sharp, instantaneous change of temperature on white-hot burning concrete slabs. Affect relief as the water is vapourised a few inches before reaching its target.

Return to the kitchen for another bucket of water, this time concentrating on the non-concrete-based fires.

Repeat.

Wait for the concrete slabs, now safely isolated, to die out and cool down. This should take no longer than 48 hours.

Clean up the garden over the next ten days, shovelling the swampy embers into bin-bags. Approximately eight ought to do it.

[boldie]

I hang toilet paper the correct way, without even being taught.  Yay!  Actually it's something I've always done but never took much notice of. 

Please tell me that this is with the TP facing you?

[RED-DOG]

I hang toilet paper the correct way, without even being taught.  Yay!  Actually it's something I've always done but never took much notice of. 

Please tell me that this is with the TP facing you?

Stupid stupid stupid.

TP has to hang wall side. That way, roll is lifted away from wall as you pull. Any thing else will result in premature tearing.

[Laxie]

I hang toilet paper the correct way, without even being taught.  Yay!  Actually it's something I've always done but never took much notice of. 

Please tell me that this is with the TP facing you?

Stupid stupid stupid.

TP has to hang wall side. That way, roll is lifted away from wall as you pull. Any thing else will result in premature tearing.

All I know is whatever wall it's on, it should hang like this...




This is very wrong and should be avoided at all costs



/loo roll lesson.

[Laxie]

Having read the above posts, I'm basically screwed aren't I?

At least the house and garden will be really pretty eventually.   

[Laxie]

Ants?  Ok. 

Flies?  Dirty little creatures, but fine. 

What warped corner of mother nature decided to combine the pair?!  Flying ants?  WTF?!  And they don't die!  Trust me...I've tried everything.  Sure, one or two wee guys kick it.  But they've an army of backup waiting in the wings. 

Sure do love flying ants.

[Laxie]

Random Orbit Sanders...  where to get and best one to get for general household DIY?  Cheers!

[boldie]

I hang toilet paper the correct way, without even being taught.  Yay!  Actually it's something I've always done but never took much notice of. 

Please tell me that this is with the TP facing you?

Stupid stupid stupid.

TP has to hang wall side. That way, roll is lifted away from wall as you pull. Any thing else will result in premature tearing.

All I know is whatever wall it's on, it should hang like this...




This is very wrong and should be avoided at all costs



/loo roll lesson.

WTF??? this is very, VERY wrong indeed. If you have it with the end of the roll away from you, your feaces and germ ridden hands have to go past the loo roll, quite possibly touching it, to get to the end bit.

This is just nasty and wrong.

BTW, we have the loo roll on a stand type thing, not on the wall...but even when on the wall it should always be in the second position.