Tales from the Tube

[RED-DOG]

Wow! which one is which? 

Great pennage Mr S.

Anyway, how have you been my old saus... er, kosher meat product?

[Snatiramas]

Wow! which one is which? 

Great pennage Mr S.

Anyway, how have you been my old saus... er, kosher meat product?

There are of course kosher sausages, then there are spicy Vienna sausages.....all beef based.

i am very well sir....I have pmed you.

[Snatiramas]

Now Jamie and I were in Miami on business and I never write about business other than I would like to say a big thank you to all at Systemax for such a great trip. Respect!

Outside of work there was much to observe on our trip. As this is Tales from the Tube I think we should make a comparison with Miami’s transport system. It is called the taxi. Bright yellow taxis that never seemed to be wherever we happened to end up. It was very frustrating, especially as the rest of our trip was such tremendous fun!

By day three it was sending me crazy!  Boiling heat, steam off the pavement and no air conditioned taxi on hand. The thing is when they turned up the taxi drivers were great. In fact all the people we met were just so hospitable and naturally friendly They were both interested in where we were from and interesting in their own right. From Sergio who gave us the run down on the Dolphins, the Marlins, the Heat, in fact the whole sporting spectrum, through to Pablo who took us to the nightclub on Friday night they knew their city, the people, and the problems.

We were in Miami for three nights and having got my dutiful father shopping out of the way at A&F on the Wednesday night, Thursday saw Jamie and I heading to the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood to the north of Miami. The casino is on a Seminole Indian reservation and resembles any large casino complex. As the taxi is pulling in we notice Hooters. Now this is Jamie’s first visit to the U.S. and I have never been to  Hooters so where to eat was an easy decision. It was great. The food was good. The view was excellent. One can’t help but wonder what would happen if the concept was brought into the U.K. You know take the whole concept out of the U.S. and bang it into Luton. The poor girls would not survive five minutes. I fear that some ideas do not travel.

After eating I confess I found the poker room. Jamie went to drink Saki and I settled in for exactly one hour at a $1 $2 no limit hold em table. Hand two, I pick up a pair of Kings which on a King high flop got the obligatory one non believer to my stinky little, I can steal this pot, bet. The poker in itself was unremarkable but my fellow players were truly remarkable.

I am in seat two and either side of me I have a grizzled old man who spoke in a dialect that could only have been translated by the assistant coach in the film the Waterboy. The guy on my right kept talking to me but it was like British Gas talking to Tightend. I was getting one word in five and tried to work out what the rest of the sentence might have been. Judging by the reaction to my responses I was probably getting a mark of four out of ten for my effort.

Hour up. I get up from the table with polite smiles, tip the dealer and go to find Jamie who is trying out his best Hugh Grant on some young ladies from one of the cruise ships. Well I soon put a stop to that....or maybe it was because their taxi turned up. Either way the result was the same the girls left and Jamie and I headed for the hotel. Knowing that tomorrow is Friday night and the chains will be off has led to a sensible Thursday night. Ah Friday night, my head thumps just thinking about it.
Until next time please remember smoking in the toilets is against the law.

[Bongo]

There's a hooters in Nottingham...

[Snatiramas]

There's a hooters in Nottingham...

Wow indeed there is.....I need somebody who has been to one in the US to go and do a visit report I am fascinated as to whether it translates to the East Midlands

[Bongo]

There's a hooters in Nottingham...

Wow indeed there is.....I need somebody who has been to one in the US to go and do a visit report I am fascinated as to whether it translates to the East Midlands

Sounds like a job for... you!

[Claw75]

There's a hooters in Nottingham...

Wow indeed there is.....I need somebody who has been to one in the US to go and do a visit report I am fascinated as to whether it translates to the East Midlands

I would be surprised if the Chezger lads hadn't sampled Hooters on both sides of the pond....

[TightEnd]

It translates

A couple of the DTD valets work a second job there!

[Snatiramas]

Now to put our last night in Miami into context I really have to give you some background. In my youth I could drink. Really copious amounts, before, after and on one memorable occasion during a game of rugby. Through my twenties alcohol was a part of life. This all culminated with a job at Guinness where I used to take customers to Dublin for the rugby internationals. Not much sobriety there.

So what changed this life pattern? Well it happened one memorable Christmas. Adam was a baby, bloody hell they grow up fast, and I had gone out with the crew from Packard Bell. I had been drinking a mixture of alcoholic poisons, topped off with a heavy meal and a couple of cigars. Well on the way home in the taxi I started to feel unwell. I was travelling from Bray back to Bricket Wood and we got to the interchange from the M4 to the M25 when I had to get the cab to pull over to the hard shoulder. The next bit I will leave to your imaginations. Isn’t an imagination a curse?

Well after an interlude the taxi and I continue on our way. I get home only just in time and take up residence in a small room and start to try and work out how many words can be made from the brand name Armitage Shanks. So slumped over the toilet feeling sorry for myself, in walks Mrs. Snat. Thank the lord some sympathy at last! Talk about misreading the situation. Well Mrs. C verbally laid into me in no uncertain way. “How can you behave like this? Do you realise you are a Father? Is this the sort of role model I want for my son?
At this point I have a sudden epiphany. The letters in Armitage can be used for the word Ragtime. Brilliant!! Unfortunately I said this enlightenment rather than thought it. Big mistake. It took a couple of weeks before the good lady had calmed down enough for normal conversation. Since that time I have not danced the wrong side of the alcohol line.
That was until the Friday night in Miami!!
Warning this is a super long post so I will break it up.

[Karabiner]

Excellent post Phil, the flowing style is back and running.

It really is a compelling read, looking forward to the continuation.

[Laxie]

Oh man.  After such a long break?!  This is never gonna end well.   

[Snatiramas]

Work was all over and it was time to party. Now the only way to start partying is to go and have a damn good meal. Prime 112 has the most amazing steaks and it is quite difficult to get a table. Not for us though because as the old saying goes, “what is in a name”. Now my key contact at Systemax and all round good bloke is fortunate to have the name Alex Rodriguez. He is of course not the third baseman for the New York Yankees but the restaurant can't be sure that it isn't A-Rod himself. Now Jamie's surname is Brown.

So there I am in a swanky restaurant on Miami Beach with a top baseball player and the godfather of soul. Classic. Ah food in America....... you just have to love the complete and total lack of portion control. The beer was good (Stella) as was the wine. Food done and I am already prancing readily towards the alcohol line. I am tottering down Ocean Drive and we stop at a fine bar called Wet Willies. Loads of iced drums of various concoctions. My drink was blue, looked like a slush puppy, tasted of pure alcohol and has me grinning like an idiot as I slowly imbibe.

We sat out in the warm humid evening on a balcony overlooking Ocean Drive and letting the sights wonder by. Oh my, I do so love sightseeing and there were plenty of sights to behold. Old not dead don't you know! As Mrs. Snat says I can look at the menu wherever I like as long as I only eat at home. So I look! As we sit there I confess to my partners in crime that I have never drunk Tequila.

And off we go to a bar that I forget the name of and I try Tequila and then I try some more lager. Alex heads for home and Jamie and I decide to find a nightclub. We walk up and down a street that has various clubs on it but, not liking the look of any of them , decide not to go in. Jamie is looking at nightclub entries on his phone. The club that looked the best was the best Gay club in town....apparently.

Anyway I am drunk and fed up of walking so I suggest we get in a cab and get the cabbie to find us a top quality night club. So we pull a taxi over and say. Take us to one of the best discos in Miami. He looks at us as if we are mad and we set off......... until next time please remember if you are travelling with children to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting them.

[gatso]

I`ve got a new fave tube announcement. your old stomping ground of stratford have just opened a new westbound central line platform as part of the olympic development so you can now get on/off either side of the carriage. as you pull into the station they make an announcement to let people know that the doors on both sides of the train will open which is fine.

bit of a nss moment though as the train is about to leave and they also feel the need to announce that the doors will close on both sides

[Snatiramas]

How did Stratford get the Olympics? Unbelievable . The customers used to nick the pictures in the changing rooms!!!!!!

Now during our taxi journey our driver, whose name escapes me completely on account of being tremendously drunk, asks what sort of club we are looking for? He gets the answer a really buzzing club with lots of women. So he drops us at Mia. He is right it is buzzing. Two Lambo’s pull up as we are paying for the taxi and the queues are long to get in.

Queue!!! I am drunk and in no mood to queue and so with my friendly Shrek face to the fore I walk up alcoholically bold as brass and say in my finest Roger Moore accent... Excuse me my good man but how does one get into this fine establishment? Well to my amazement the man in the suit controlling the door moves the rope and says “right this way gentlemen”. Things are already looking up.

So here I am in downtown Miami feeling like I am twenty five and looking like I am fifty two. Well fed. Well drunk, and drinking more. The alcoholic line of sense fading fast behind me. The young ladies look lovely and I am at my smiling affable best, which of course means grinning like a drunken idiot but the alcohol means I truly do not care. Judging by the look on Jamie’s face, his world is somewhere similar to mine. Now there is a lovely outside lounge and we hang there for a bit and then decide to go and invade the dance floor. Well we walk through the club and find some stairs with a bouncer guarding them.

Jamie to bouncer in best English accent, “excuse me what is up there?”
“VIP area “ says the muscles on the stairs.
“Can we go up then?”
“Of course, sir”

So up to the VIP area we go. Great view of the night club, the sights, the fights (three that I saw, with by the far the nastiest being between two women) and drinking beer and shorts. Well I don’t know what came over me but I end up dancing like a Dad. I have been so blessed to have been able to dance like a Dad since the age of seven. The great news is that Jamie also comes from the school of Dad but for the lords sakes please don’t tell him.

Well the evening winds on. I chat to an Armenian hairdresser and discuss which of the four blokes that have hit on her is the most likely to see her again. I do my usual trick of making a beautiful woman laugh out loud just to make the young men wonder how the fuck the old dude does it!!

And then quick as a flash it is quarter past five in the morning and they are kicking us out. Actually they are asking very politely if we will leave. As we are the last people to leave it does not seem an unreasonable request.

I honestly do not remember the taxi journey back to the hotel but that is probably old age as much as it is alcohol. What I do remember are the following two points. Firstly when you arrive back at the hotel at 5.30 am those people who are waiting for the airport shuttle bus look at you as if you are from another planet.

Secondly I remember just as I closed my eyes and the room continued to spin Anne Marie’s voice echoing in my head.....”How can you behave like this???”

How indeed!!
Well until next time.......the emergency exits are here, here  and here!!

[Snatiramas]

OH................MY............GOD!!!

Somebody is smashing my head with a sledgehammer. No I tell a lie, it is a group of people with sledgehammers. I think I must have passed out before the room span uncontrollably to sickness and right now I am trying to understand why this is fun exactly.

Nope I just can’t come up with a single reason!

I don’t want to open my eyes I just want to go back to sleep. I prise my eyelids apart and look at my watch it says twenty five to one. We were supposed to get up at midday. I stagger from the bed with my favourite David Bowie line going through my head. It is the one that goes “there’s a taste in my mouth but it’s no taste at all”. I find the handily placed bottle of water, most of which I drank last night before falling asleep, and finish it off.

I start to pack and put my huge suitcase, already full of A&F clothes for the kids, on the bed and then think I had better text Jamie and make sure he is awake. I look at my phone. Ten past seven. What an idiot. I am now fully awake, raging headache and sleep deprivation and I collapse on the bed and fall asleep curled around the suitcase which I just can’t be arsed to move.

I kind of snooze on and off and eventually give up trying to get back to sleep. Pack my case and hook up with Jamie. I can see that the world is a decidedly dodgy place for both of us right now but please be assured that as these wounds are self inflicted I have absolutely no self pity whatsoever. Self loathing yes, self pity no.

We get into a cab and head to the Dolphin Mall. Lots of factory outlets etc and Jamie and I still have to find suitable presents for our respective partners. We are chatting to our cabbie when all of a sudden the traffic comes to a grinding halt. This is a problem as my stomach makes a valiant effort at trying to continue in a forwards motion. Let’s be honest there is plenty of stomach there, so it takes some controlling and control it I do, but just for a second I thought I was going to be sick all over the cabbie. We then lurch through the traffic jam for forty minutes. Each lurch slowly turns me a slightly darker shade of green. Just as I think my stomach is going to win we pull up outside the Mall. Thank GOD!

I need food to calm my stomach and we settle on a nice little Italian restaurant . We start chatting to the waiter and explain why we won’t be taking any alcohol with our meal. Now before I tell you the next bit it is vital that you realise that Miami is the seventh largest city in the US and most of the people live between the Mia nightclub and where we are right now.
The waiter’s brother- in- law owns the building that Mia is situated in and the waiter lives above the nightclub. Come on everybody this is weirder than fiction!!! The food was good and I feel considerably more stable though still shattered when we leave to explore our third and final Mall.
Next week will cover the mad Israeli....no not Avi, and the not so peaceful journey home.
Until then please make sure you keep all your hand luggage with you at all times!