So there was something that really played on my mind and why I think I have this mindset in the high rollers. In the first 25k in Malta I played, somebody who played against me told a mutual friend that they thought I didn't play good and was trying to win every pot and that I'm "probably better online" that kinda hurt because in that tournament I made 3 really big folds despite only playing half of day 1. I felt like everybody around me was playing pretty awful and spewy and trying to win every pot but because this mutual friend (one of the big German hedge fund backers) was honest enough to tell me I felt really bad. I told him that somebody had told me something and he told he he was probably trying to just pity me.
Ever since then I've reacted to bad beats in the higher buy ins really bad. For example when I lost KK v AK in the 4th level of the 10k 6max I felt very unhappy, when I lost KK v AJ vs Dan Smith in the 25k in Malta on day 1 I felt very, very, very unhappy. When I lost with KK vs QQ in level 30 or something with 20 left in the extended play I felt really relatively fine. Whenever I've busted any of these 1500s I've felt pretty chill, but whenever I bust a 10k+ I've ran very poorly and really let it effect me. I've realised its a big thing behind my overall problem, I guess I want to be accepted as a high roller guy who is one of the better player in the fields, but I know without the results and successes these guys have had in very small sample sizes I won't and shouldn't be held in similar regard.
I was showering before and this all kind of clicked and made sense to me, the reason why I get so depressed after 10k+ buy ins is because I want people to think I'm good, but moving forward that attitude will and has changed dramatically. I want to be personally happy and want to accept myself for playing well in the day. In the 10k 6max in the first 4 levels I was so, so so happy, really proud of myself, and then because I busted I was really unhappy, thats not how it should be.
This is my first year in vegas, I think its taught me a lot and I'm really happy with where my mind is right now. I'm ready for the one drop and I just want to come out of that tournament with no regrets and feeling completely awesome about how I've played. Previously I didn't think I'd play it because I didn't want poker to make me feel unhappy, but now I feel great.
I realise this has also cost me money in high stakes cash games, instead of playing what I'd consider to be completely optimal in every decision, I've thought about the money in certain spots or passed up spots I knew were definitely good. Moving forward now I'm just so focussed and mentally excited about how good I can actually play. Again I'm kind of confused about how I can actually learn and improve without post game analysis which has been a huge key for my development and making me better than others simply from a POV that I'll spend 2 hours pre session and they won't. I see Jonathan Little writes down every key hand or even interesting hand into a big notepad and then analyses it afterwards. I think I'm going to do that and will post the hands in here for discussion.
I'm currently working on concepts that could potentially be really bad, I'm leading a lot in spots where I didn't have the initiative on the previous street and I'm over betting a lot. I can't work out if my plays are really great or not, as often after the hand I forget sizings etc, for the next week I'll be writing the exact details of the hands and then trying to work out if I was clicking buttons or not.
Just going quickly back to the German thing, there has been a lot of incidences this summer when people have commented how aggressive or crazy I am when I've been playing really tight. I folded J9o on the button and then AJo UTG on a table and then opened MP and two guys in the hand commented how aggressive I was. Jonathan Little thinks I'm literally mental and I've always played super tight against him. Other cases this series of me raising for the first time and everybody being like OMG you're so crazy. I have no idea why they think this, maybe because of my demeanour, posture, look? I don't know. I definitely should consider this when making exploitative bluffs because my "image" should be good! Maybe my image is just always bad even when it SHOULD be good.
Sorry for random ramblings, just different things flowing through my mind atm.
Some live a-ha moments perhaps.
Football was pretty fun today, team was me, Byron Kaverman (just won 10k 6max) Matt Waxman, DNTHNRMEPLS (one of biggest crushers in world in high stakes cg, NUTSINHO and some other high stakes guys. Waxman got sent off for arguing with the ref
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