china mug on china mug by china mug for china mug courtsy of china mug...a diary

[china mug]

i have a plan to buy some cheep old bed sheets from a charity shop,money will benifit charities and mentioning it might come in handy latter if problems arise,
any way with sheets im planning to dye them sort of pinkish ,then when dry get a potato cut it in half and use it as a print block to print white gloss paint onto said sheets to make them into a pokka dot pattern white on pink////
then with some primative stapling make some jackets to cover the bollards around traffick round abouts, you know the ones with the blue directional arrow about three foot high and 12 inches square...will leave arrow visable of cource,not into anachy
then april fools day of to chosen round about on with jackets
should give a loud of motorists a laugh, or whiplash as they do a double take.
wonder if it will be worth putting on u tube....

[thetank]

Nice plan but where are you going to get the potato? As soon as you walk into the greengrocers they'll surely spot what you're up to and have you arrested no?

[china mug]

dont be daft ,you can grow your own potatoes easly there by not risking the green grocer telling tales on you ,alturnitively you could use a cucumber cut in half and makeing two pokka dot print pads there by speeding up the printing process'

[china mug]

as a little jest for the fast approaching ..april fools day...i think as a diversion to all the war and misery one has drip fed to you by the bitch media some lighter frothy,amuseing stories need to abound....
so heres what you can do....when the is next a megga roll over on the lotto,you know 50 million  region,you get the winning numbers and arrange them in any order,..forward,backward,highest first ,lowest first,ect
eventualy they will read as some ones phone number then you phone the number and innocently get there name and as much info as you can,pretending to be a window sales man with free windows for the front of there house should work.
then you get a tape recorder and tape a automated  message to play down the phone at them such as ....
GOOD DAY MR ROBERT SMITH,22 QUEENS TERRACES,,NEWCASTLE,NY1 1BG
THIS IS A PUBLIC AWARNESS MESSAGE PLEASE DO NOT HANG UP
DID YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU HAD USED YOUR PHONE NUMBER FOR SATURDAYS TREBLE LOTTO ROLLOVER YOU WOULD HAVE WON 50,745
MILLION POUNDS......     .......... IF YOU DO NOT RECIEVE THIS MESSAGE DO NOT PANIC AS WE SHALL BE PLAYING THIS MESSAGE TO ALL THE PROPERTYS WITHIN A FIVE MILE RADIUS OF  NY1 1BG
this has been a public information service message bought to you by,,then insert the details of your pet hate, football club,person in public office ect

job done sit back with the cosy glow of good will that comes from knowing that you have touched some ones life and made a differance.




PS....REMEMBER TO BAR THEM FROM READING YOUR PHONE NUMBER

[trafficjam]

I just cannot get my head round how Chinamugs brain works!

[tikay]

I just cannot get my head round how Chinamugs brain works!

You make an ambitious assumption there.

[china mug]

ive had a brilliant idea for a business idea to put up to investers such as dragons den ect....what i want to do is bring out a range of work out fits for work situations that will enhance the earning potential of the employees,
so for traffic wardens the work outfits will be cunningley printed sweaters and trousers that look like parts of cars ...the elbows of the sweeter would look like a wing mirror on a vauxhall or the seat of the trousers would look like the raidiator grill of a bmw ,and of cource we could have the front of the sweeter looking like a smart car reversing into a tight space.....
so with there stylish almost camelion type dress attire they will just fade into the natural urban landscape ,unseen by the ever watchful parking bay time abusers that is until they strike with there yellow windscreen condoms raiseing the blood presure of the working publick as they tear open there unlucky fortune cookie to see how much the special offer is if they pay within two weeks,
the down side is of cource that anyone would be able to run them over and swear that they didnt see them,as they thought it was a skoda trying to nick there parking space...as this would create another job oppertunity for one of our eastern european cousins....and would result in more earning for our cousins that are quick on there feet,so they can send it home to there child hood sweet heart yola in outer bruski ......realy there is no down side.....


additional outfits that are in the pipeline include the ever popular ,washed up satalite tv presenters outfit complete with the ever popular casualey thrown over the shoulder dangley scarf that says...look at me i could have been a hippie in another life,it comes complete with satchets of hair dye rangeing from smokey finger blonde right up to last swig of the pint of stella frothey blonde
a must have for the discerning airways pundits

[china mug]

a jolly poker jape for april fools day
heres what you have to do ,in a worth while compertition 100 pound or more  when a player has made a small raise before the flop ....you announce ..im going to raise..then fiddle with your chips as if trying to decide how much....what you want is for the next player to act to come over the top and announce all in ...if he or she douse ..the jape is set,as confusion reigns as you havent announced how much you are going to raise ,some knowledgeable old lag will give the table the benifit of his wealth of self taught ruleings and state ...you have to put in the minimum raise at least,
you then call for a ruleing which should say ...yes you can raise the minium then pass or match the all in bet...
you then give your opponient the evel stare bussiness and state ...i know you are just makeing a move, you dont have a reel hand ....let some time pass then ask the dealer dose that put me all in ,how much is the all in bet.
when told how much ,you count out the ammount in front of you ,and count how much you will have left....then further announce ...i know your at it
you then put your orriginal raise in which is the minium you have to ,the all in players bet stands every one else folds and its back to you to act.
you now ask the all in player if i pass will they show,....do you want a caller....ect ect
then you call for the clock on your self ,when there are onley ten secounds to go you ask any player at the table ...quickley pick a number between 1 and 10, when he says 5 you say okay thats a odd number ...i call the all in  ...with 3 secounds left of your self called clock to run out ....by now you should have players from other tables railing ect....dealer announces cards on there back ...if all in is slow you say ...come on i called you...turn them other....as all in reveals there ace king suited you knod and say ...yes thats what i put you on ...then turn your aces over.
then sit back and enjoy the applause of the appreciative on lookers ,holding there sides as laughter racks there bodies at the sight of such a well exacuted april fools day joke...
true some bloggists will be straight on to there mobile phones to tell the tale with a bias spin as if you had acted badley ...but hey there not happy if there not trying to nit pick and pull the great and the good down ,ignore them

[GreekStein]

I'm not one for recreational drugs but whatever you take seems to work

[china mug]

im back been busy working ,but will find time to post ...
a story i heard comes to mind
a guy was telling his experiance of his first days as a solicitor haveing just qualified,so the firm he was with gave him all none important new low income clients....so there he is listening to mrs smith who is banging on that she wants a divorce ...her husbands drinking is out of control...home life is terrible ....no money....kids in clothes from charity...hes violent....shes at the end of her teather etc etc ...
all of which our new legal eagle is haveing to listen to and fein intereast and concern over the poor bints outragousley hard life,whielst secretley thinking ..shut up you moaney old bitch ...let me rob you of our fees ,and get back to trying to cop of with the new legal work experiance student in the office next door.....
still he thinks better do some work to justify fees so he asks her about how much her husband actualey drinks...to which she replies...
she didnt see him when he left for work this morning but she is sure he would have had a secret drink ,then at work he will probley have a drink she is sure he keeps in his office...then on the way home he will not  come straight home but will probley stop of with his mates and have a couple of pints...
our new legal realiseing his fee is fast disapearing as her testimony consists of her husband haveing a couple of pints only...
says...madam any man might have a couple of pints,when i leave here after a long days work i might stop at the pub down the road and have a couple of pints,its not excessive,lots of people do it....
to which she replied ...not of meathalated spirit you wont...to which he lacking experiance cracked up burst out laghing grabbed a file of papers dashed out of the room ,and some time latter when his sides stopped hurting sent the legal work experiance student in to tell mrs smith ..sorry on this occasion we dont think we can help you have you tried c a b.

[Simon Galloway]

Good start, looking forward to the punchline in part 2.

[trafficjam]

I'm not one for recreational drugs but whatever you take seems to work

 

[Chompy]

What's happened to 'Confessions of a double-glazing salesman' please?

[china mug]

im reminded of a story ....which i will share with you, it has no great life changing relavance or moral sting in its tale its a true story thats all ....so dont read on if you just want slapstick quick fix stimulation ,go away now, get lost ,go watch the royal wedding or put your screen name or real name in the blonde search box and see who has been talking about you .....or worse still that no one is talking about you.....only read on if you want to ...ok



a plumer goes off to pick up 1700 pounds from a customer one friday morning,as he drives back home he passes thru a little town and there up ahead his perrifferal vision sees sticking out betwean the martins the news agent sign and greggs bakerey sign ...william hill bookmakers...
without him doing a thing his transit van swerves across the road causeing a mum on the school run to have to take evasive action to avoid a crash ,the next thing he knows hes parked his van right outside the bookies, 30 minute waiting zone ...good that will be long enouth he thinks as his missis is waiting to go shopping for a new three piece suiete in the sales with the money in his pocket,    the bookies are just opening and he approaches the door,

to be continued

[china mug]

so in he goes ,spends a little time reading the raceing papers that are pinned on the walls and plans his first bets,a impecable dressed chinese man enters the bookies and douse the same as our man,then a wineoo enters greats the staff and makes free use of the tea and biscuits that are laid out for the punters .our man is betting in 3 and 5 pound bets and gaining a few quid,time passes and the wineoo is of to the pub up the road ,china man is placeing bets not saying a word to anyone  neither showing emotion when he wins or loses.a couple of locals pop in to place a bet on there way pass ,one mentions that the traffic wardens are fierce around here and who ever has got the transit had bettter watch it ,our man is 200 hundred up at this point and he can see that china man is doing even better,he will keep a sharp eye out for the warden as hes on a roll and it would be foolish to  take the time to move the van when there is so much money to be made from this lucky streak he rationalises,the china man starts betting in larger ammounts ...our man sees the sense in this strategy and increases his bet sizes also........wineoo wonders in and raids the tea and biscuit supplies whielst telling any one that wants to listen and any one that dousnt want to listen what the problem with this country is and how it was never like that when he was a young man as people had respect and if they didnt they would get what for.wineoo exits back to the pub and a group of builders enter declareing whos got the transit your about to get a ticket ,.....our man knows he should rush out and plead with warden whielst starting engine and driveing away ,,,but he has 25 quid rideing on the race on the tv screen and the race is just comeing to the last few furlongs if his horse wins its worth 275 to him stuff the 30 pound parking fine he will rush out after this race ,,,the warden has to wait 5 mineutes before they can ticket you anyway


to be continued