Ordering a coffee in France, perhaps more specifically Paris to be fair, is an absolute minefield.
Before people starting ordering hazelnut lattes, moccachoccalottafrothas and the like the very height of coffee sophistication was the oh-so-exotic sounding café au lait. In the same manner as the Cordon Bleu cookery school drew subscriptions from far and wide, this French concept drew in 80s punters like moths to a flame.
The problem here is that the French don’t actually drink ‘café au lait’. It’s a tarp.
Imagine the scene....you have some time in the world’s most romantic city (*cough, bullshit, cough*) and, in the mode of the classic flaneur, sit down at a cafe and order a café au lait. You are about to have your pants royally pulled down. At a reasonably nice looking cafe in Paris, a café au lait is liable to set you back 5-6Eur. Why? Because it’s the most ludicrously sized drink ever, served with the sole purpose of catching out tourists desperate to prove they are au fait with the language. Your coffee will be so big you could probably swim in it. Although only if you were wearing skimpy little budgie-smugglers as apparently board-shorts are unhygienic, <3 the French.
So, to avoid social embarrassment and poverty, what are your options?
Un ExpressStrength: 8-10
Length: 1-3
Smugness at looking like a Frenchman rating: 5
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The cheapest caffeine hit available in la France and pretty efficient as a pick-me-up. Often served in France with a small glass of water reminiscent of an eye-bath and a little dusted almondy-chocolate type thing.
Un NoisetteStrength: 5-7
Length: 4-6
Smugness at looking like a Frenchman rating: 8
The lesser-spotted Noisette is the perfect option for those who can’t quite handle the Express but like their coffee to put hairs on their chest. Often served as an Express with a small pot of milk to the side, this niche coffee is never ordered by tourists.
Un CrèmeStrength: 4-6
Length: 6-8
Smugness at looking like a Frenchman rating: 10
Take that, French swine!! The Crème is the coffee that innocent interlopers are attempting to order when they request, in their very best French, “un café au lait s’il vous plait garcon”. The principal difference between the Crème and the Café au lait? The Crème will still be pleasantly warm when you reach its conclusion and cost you half as much.
Oh, but be sure to mimic the motion below when conversing with the barman for full effect, then you'll really have him rattled.
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