Any advice appreciated

[suzanne]

I have 2 autistic kids.

My 12 year old son has aspergers and his main problems are mostly related to making friends/depression/feeling worthless and just hating life in general. He sees every day as being worse than the next and actually cries when he has a good day. He moved to secondary school this year and hates it which I knew he would. He is very intelligent and is top of his class in most subjects but he absolutely hates school and although hes only 12 and im assuming he wouldnt know how..he wants to die. I know it sounds horrible but I think he probably will one day when he finds out how to do it.

My daughter is 10 and in her last year at Junior school, she is more severely effected. When she was 4 year old I pushed to get her into a very good autistic unit here in Bath but she was refused (its common knowledge that the more you can donate the better chance you have of getting in). I was advised that she would get full support in a mainstream school and she would be fine. I agreed to this providing that later down the line they wouldnt take her out of mainstream..guess what!!
They are now saying that she might be better in a special school.
She has disliked a male member of staff ever since he joined the junior school but now he teaches her year group and she is kicking off big time. They had me sign a letter agreeing to my daughter being escorted everwhere in building so no accusations could be made against him which I agreed to..the poor guy has done no wrong and hes really nice but I sense a feeling of panic and they want her out.
Shes was dragged into the building kicking and screaming on Thursday and yesterday she was in such a state I didnt take her to school.

So its crunch time...what do i do?

Keep forcing her (and no we cant get to the bottom of why she dislikes this bloke) to go to school and then hopefully go to secondary with all her friends..or..agree to her going to a special school which to be honest I think she should have been going to in the first place but how is that going to effect her after being in mainstream for so long.

On Monday I will be phoning round the local schools but I dont see much hope..shes such a handful and maybe im being paranoid but ive got a feeling they will all be full up.

I want to keep her in this school and hopefully ride out the storm but I have no idea where we stand...can they kick her out?

What criteria do they need to get rid of her?

I would appreciate any comments or advise coz I just dont know what to do.

[snoopy1239]

Are there no helplines or advice centres available that can assist in these kind of situations or is autism a neglected condition in this country?

[taximan007]

This type of post suddenly brings us all back into the "real world" and makes us realise there is more to life than our pocket aces getting outdrawn.

I have no experience of autism therefore no advice to give, but I just wanted you to know Suzanne my thoughts are with you, I am of the impression you are a strong lady and will fight every inch of the way to get is what is best for your daughter.

Hopefully some of the other members will be more helpful, this message is just for moral support.

Good Luck.

[Graham C]

This type of post suddenly brings us all back into the "real world" and makes us realise there is more to life than our pocket aces getting outdrawn.

I have no experience of autism therefore no advice to give, but I just wanted you to know Suzanne my thoughts are with you, I am of the impression you are a strong lady and will fight every inch of the way to get is what is best for your daughter.

Hopefully some of the other members will be more helpful, this message is just for moral support.

Good Luck.

That's pretty much what I'd have said, sorry I can't offer anything but moral support.

Is a week or so off likely to help?  I have no idea I'm afraid. 

[Claw75]

Hi Suzanne,

I've got nothing useful to add either I'm afraid, just wanted to give you a hug (((Suzanne))) and say I hope you get something sorted out that's best for you and your family.  Are there any internet forums for parents of autistic children you could ask advice from?

[madasahatstand]

Hi Suzanne

I dont know if your kids are in treatment or you are getting professional support for yourself? The support for yourself is crucial and generally comes in the form of awareness building and family therapy. This is to give you a better understanding of the condition the kids have and also to understand how dynamics between people in the family and at school can affect the condition. The also equip you with the skills to cope.
Without knowing your details Id suggest you go to your local authority and ask them to come and assess your situation and see what help they can offer. Under the law you are entitled to an assessment and supports. Helping the kids socialise is key and might help his negative thoughts about life. Ask about day respite for the kids and it would also give you a break and help them socialise outside school and home.
The local authority should be able to assess whether a mainstream school is best for your girl. If the current school is distressing her then she cant stay. You need to consider whether this focus on a teacher will be present at another school. I dont know if its part of your girls condition but if it is, this obviously will need to be taken into consideration when you decide.  You can demand a second opinion about the special needs school if you are feeling tis might be better. Its a fine line between making sure your girl grows up and has a normal as possible life but also gets the right supports. If mainstream school is not doing that for her, then you've every right to demand a second opinion on the other school.
Finally, you are a remarkable woman to cope on a daily basis. The kids condition is highly challenging and sometimes you need a break away. Its easy to get caught up feeling the pressure on a day to day basis. We are only human and we all have snapping points. The key for you is to make sure you dont operate all the time at snapping point and coping will be easier. The kids will pick it up and the stress may exaserbate their behaviours. Again Im generalising but I do hope you get some help for you if you do anything xxx

[Acidmouse]

I used to teach autistic/aspergers kids at a local college that looked after students with learning difficulites like this. I found it crucial that they were in a safe environment where everyone knew the problems surrounding their learning process. I would say getting them into a specialised school/college is key, often we took alot of pressure from the parents and knew how to handle situations that might occur,

I still talk to a few of my old asperger's students, one I must say is an maths genius he had the memory of a computer! but he was always obsessed with morris chesnut (an actor) and buses!

gl whatever happens.

[pffa]

Big Hugs

I think as a mum you always know whats best deep inside.  When Kendra had problems in mainstream school, I was forever backward and forward because a particular teacher felt threatened by her.   Different illness but it sounds like same lack of understanding.  The hosp ital  arranged for the local education authority advisor and key teachers from the school to attend a meeting, a medical person from Kendras team went to the school and discussIed her illness with them.  It didnt solve everything but it helped Kendra finish her education in mainstream school. 

I have a very supportive mum and I think its vital that you get support and time out too.

My Love and thoughts are with you.

[charmaine]

I think Mad and Acid gave sound advice Suzanne , maybe having a look around the special needs schools with your daughter will put you both more at ease .

Goodluck Suzanne 

[suzanne]

To be honest I think im on the verge of a mini breakdown and its all just got too much and I really appreciate the support.

My mum broke her arm a couple of weeks ago and has difficulties going to the loo/cooking/getting dressed etc and has been very down , my internet is playing up and my 19 yr old son cant play on his warcraft games so he is giving me grief.

My daughter is just crying non stop and my 12 year old hides under the duvet and rocks back and forth to block out the noise...I tried getting under there with him but he didnt appreciate it LOL.

I have tried in the past to get professional help from social workers etc but by the time you have worked your way to the top of the list they have changed the criteria and you are back at the bottom. We have been down the family therapy road and got nowhere, 2 kids on the autistic spectrum who totally clash and have no idea of the needs of each other, but now and again there is a magical moment when they click and hug each other and somehow those few precious minutes give me hope because if they can communicate with each other then they can with others.

The next week is going to be decisive, an emergency meeting has been called on Thursday to decide what and where my daughter will continue her education, my concerns are that I am basically tired/so tired/very very tired and dont know if I have the strength to fight for her anymore. She wants to go to a different school but has no idea what is in store.

My younger son I know is clinically depressed, they were reluctant to diagnose him when I tried to get help for him at 9 yrs old but I will push again, I didnt want him on drugs that young anyway but I cant do nothing. I worry more about him than my daughter TBH.

Tough times and its nice to have somewhere to air my concerns..my mates deserted me long ago when it got "embarrassing" at my kids kicking off in public.

I dont think I have ever felt so low as I do right now and I just hope for my kids sake I pull myself together.

[RED-DOG]

You're among friends Suz, just let it out.

Strength is a funny thing, somehow, no matter how tough things get, you always find just enough.

[HOLDorFOLD]

Hi Suz

I wish i was closer to you just to give you those few hours of rest when you really need it.

I have two friends both with children with aspergers, the boy is 11 and has extreme difficulty in portraying his feelings across so everything he does has a violent aspect to it - he hits to get attention, hits to show he is excited etc.   For some reason he has also taken an extreme waryness to a male member of her social circle - this has come out of the blue, he has never been like this towards one specific person before and like you she cannot find a reason why.

My other friend has a daughter with aspergers, her case does not seem as severe at the moment but she is only 3 and they have been told it could get more severe as she grows older (is this true do you know??? Its really depressing my friend). 

Both of them are members of an online support community which they find invaluable, you are most prob aware of all the support groups but I'll ask them for the one they use the most often and let you know.

For both of my friends, neither have any hereditry of Autism or aspers.

Keep strong Chicka xx

[suzanne]

I was going to just let this thread die as I posted it on an evening when I was feeling very down but after the supportive comments I thought I should update.

Internet connection is now sorted so oldest son isnt giving me grief.

Mum is still upset, I think this fall has her worried about her future, shes only 67 but her eyesight/hearing/coordination has all deteriated quite rapidly in the last couple of years and shes worried about getting shipped to "Shady Pines"

I havent done anything about my 12yr old son yet coz my daughter has been kicking off big time.

This week she went to school on Monday, refused to go on Tuesday so had a day off, Wednesday it took me 2 hours but eventually got her there, Thursday morning I phoned the school up saying "Thats it ..im taking her out" Within an hour I have a special needs co-ordinator on the phone saying I must attend the meeting to discuss which school she can go to.
I went to the meeting that was arranged and there was a woman there from the special needs school that I have already said i do NOT want her going to.
They asked me if I want her to leave the school and I said NO because I know changing her to a different school now..in her last year of Juniors would be disasterous but if I cant get her to school then I have to think about other options.

They have now arranged a "hit squad" of specialists to observe her. Meanwhile I should visit other schools and they have so helpfully arranging appointments for me next week to go visit these schools and not to worry about transport (as these schools are quite far away) because a staff member will go/drive me there...bloody efficient work all in the space of a few hours.

Its almost comical that I spent months/years of fighting the system to try and get her into a special school when she was an infant and was rejected at every attempt. NOW within 24hrs she is being offered a place because a teacher is involved and alarm bells are ringing.

They want her out and they are suggesting that the Secondary School she want to go to (her 2 friends are going there) will not be "ideal"

I have/she been stitched up like a kipper.

My advice to any parents with autistic/asperger kids is you have to fight the system HARD and dont give up..I backed down in the end and agreed to my daughter going into to mainstream school because I wanted her to be "normal".....worst mistake I ever made.

Mitch PM on the way

[bhoywonder]

my thoughts and goodwill are with you suz


you are undoubtedly a very strong lady,and are dealing with a LOT at the moment....

hope things go well,sooner rather than later for you and yours

keep us updated

chin up and all that ( cliche i know )

[suzanne]

An update.

The specialists were called in and my daughter is still attending her mainstream junior school but only from 9am -12 (when I can get her there). This will keep the school attendance records to a minimum when she has an "off" day.
She is being encouraged to attend by being allowed to take her favorite toys into school and the first 30 mins  and can "play"..........what a total load of BOLLO**KS!!!
The school doesnt want to let her go coz shes on a full statement but CUMMON..shes is going into Secondary school next year and they are treating her like a bloody INFANT.

Ive asked if she can go to another mainstream school and been told NO

So what are the options...NONE

I cant transfer her to another junior school, its in the cards they are going to say she cant go to mainstream secondary SO time to go to battle.........I dont even know where to start!!

 I have decided shes not going back after christmas ... kick up loud and strong and see where I stand..im raising 4xBB ;-)