Vagueness and the Aftermath - A sporadic diary

[RED-DOG]

Tom,
Talk me through the data card pls.  Was your phone unlocked?  Where did you get it/what $$/how much data/did you sign anything long term?

I only had a brief search out there, but ended up using 2 phones, a US disposable phone and my UK phone on wifi only.

T mobile shop $80. Unlimited data (very fast) + texts. Unlimited calls in US + one other country of your choice for one month.

What with booking flights / hotels online, calling texting home, & doing my emails, it's paid for itself already.

[RED-DOG]

Yes BTW, my phone is unlocked.

[RED-DOG]

Despite being ravaged by the conflicting emotions of guilt, shame, embarrassment and amusement, I feel duty bound to report my favorite Vegas incident to date.

Mrs Red & I were on our way to see Tony at the Rio. We alighted the Deuce bus at Caesar's Palace and were in the process of flagging down a cab when I looked around a corner and spied the Rio just a couple of hundred yards down the street.

"Come on" I say to Mrs R cheerily, "It's a nice day, let's walk".

Mrs Red looks a bit uncertain, but she's an innocent abroad and I'm a well travelled man of the world. I assured her that it would be fine, she sighed at her own naivety, rolled her eyes skyward in admiration and we set out on the narrow sidewalk that ran alongside the busy freeway.

About a mile later, with rivers of sweat running from our par-broiled bodies, through our sodden underwear, on down our legs and out through our shoes where it evaporated with a loud hiss on the burning concrete, we paused to look up. The Rio was no closer.

Mrs Red somehow found the energy to form her cracked dry lips into a loving smile, but the heat haze had the curious effect of making it look like a snarl.

I teased her a little, saying something amusing about how unfit she was.

"You're a frigging idiot"  She rasped playfully.

As We staggered on I was momentarily distracted from the sensation of being burned alive by what is for me, and I suspect most other red blooded males, a much more familiar sensation. You know the one I mean, that hissing, popping, inflating feeling you get when you're brewing a really good fart.

OK. So in the great scheme of things, farting is not a remarkable enough occurrence to write about, especially where I'm concerned, but I knew this one was going to be a doozy. I'd had a large meal the night before which included a goodly quantity of raw onion and jalapeno peppers which was now fermenting nicely as I walked. I was expecting it to be epic.

I stole a glance at my wife's big red sweaty face and decided that she deserved a little cheering up.

Women always pretend to be disgusted by farting, but the truth is if you do a really good one, (i.e. really loud, really smelly or both) they're secretly impressed.

I knew if I did this right, maximum volume and pong without actually adding to her "Rinse out in the hotel sink" wash load, it would probably make her day.

Expert that I am in these matters, I waited for that optimum release point when the internal pressure is at its peak. Go to soon and you will leave some of the best material still floating around the pipes,  too late and the psi will begin to drop, plus you run a real risk of a spurious emission, or, as its known in the trade, shitting yourself.

I squeezed. Not too hard at first because to be honest I expected it to slip from my sweat soaked bum with an amazingly long, but disappointingly soft parp. To my surprise however, I met with stiff resistance. Lifting one leg slightly I gave a sudden downward thrust and was rewarded with a boom the like of which has not been heard since Concord was decommissioned.

Unbeknownst to me, a cyclist had rode up quietly behind us and finding his path blocked by two sweaty tourists, had huddled up real close as he stood on his pedals, waiting for a chance to pass.

He didn't huddle for long. After getting caught in my backdraft he seemed to lose all patience. With a heartfelt cry of "Oh man!" he barged past us, spitting theatrically towards the gutter as he went.

I laughed uncontrollably. Mrs Red pretended to be disgusted.

Its strange though, every time I remind her of it she turns her head away and her shoulders shake a little bit.

[Karabiner]

I'm glad it's not just me that you drag on five mile hikes around LV.

With your all-day deuce ticket you could have taken another bus to The Rio btw.

[boldie]

@ that story.

You really should tell more again, mr Red.

[RED-DOG]

I'm glad it's not just me that you drag on five mile hikes around LV.

With your all-day deuce ticket you could have taken another bus to The Rio btw.

Sigh. I know that now. You can also take the Deuce to the mall or the airport all on the same ticket.

[Karabiner]

Will you still be going to San Francisco soon?

[RED-DOG]

Will you still be going to San Francisco soon?

Arrived today Ralph. It's foggy.

[AndrewT]

It's the clear desert air that does it - makes things look much closer than they are.

I was caught out by that 'gentle stroll' from Rio to Caesars the first time I was in Vegas.

[Karabiner]

Will you still be going to San Francisco soon?

Arrived today Ralph. It's foggy.

LA is the place most famous in California for fog or smog, or it certainly used to be.

I bet the climate is a lot more comfortable than LV.

Are you planning on visiting my old haunt, Haight-Ashbury whilst you're there?

[RED-DOG]

Will you still be going to San Francisco soon?

Arrived today Ralph. It's foggy.

LA is the place most famous in California for fog or smog, or it certainly used to be.

I bet the climate is a lot more comfortable than LV.

Are you planning on visiting my old haunt, Haight-Ashbury whilst you're there?

Hope so Ralph. Here's a reminder for you.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haight-Ashbury

(I'm getting bloody clever with this phone)

[The_nun]

It's the clear desert air that does it - makes things look much closer than they are.

I was caught out by that 'gentle stroll' from Rio to Caesars the first time I was in Vegas.

+1

[celtic]

Brilliant story

[Simon Galloway]

Nice story, but the walk to the Rio has been documented soo many times I'm surprised you hadn't heard.  Around about the time you get to the I-15 you also run out out of pavement, but the cars doing 70mph don't seem to notice.

[millidonk]

First time i went to Vegas i walked from MGM to Stratosphere. stopped three times for refreshments... Since then i have either gotten the tram or a taxi. Wouldn't even walk from Bellagio to Ceasars these days. Taxis ftw.

Your story did have me in stitches though. Looking forward to the photos