Vagueness and the Aftermath - A sporadic diary

[RED-DOG]

I've just realised that the Saturday & Sunday that I wanted to tell you about came before the Monday Tuesday and Wednesday I've already told you about.

So to back track a little...

Last Saturday, I made the final preparations for my fathers day bike ride. Everything was well oiled, including the bike, and all surplus weight was removed. (From the bike, not from me).

Unfortunately the surplus weight turned out to be a cable lock and a spare pair of gloves. This was replaced by a litre bottle of water, four toasted bacon and egg sandwiches, a packet of fig biscuits, a pot of tuna pasta and mayonnaise, a Trek bar, two bananas, a bag of dried fruit and a 14p packet of flake cakes from the Whoops counter in Tesco.

I also packed a pump, a puncture repair kit, a spare inner tube, a set of Allen keys, a spoke spanner, half a toilet roll and, after much agonising indecision, a foul weather jacket and trousers.

My travelling companions all packed similar, with some exceptions in the food department. My son-in-law Ben had Kendal mint cake, flapjacks, power bars and tins of Heinz custard. My brother John had a flask full of beef stew and a loaf of crusty bread, and my nephew Tracy had enough sausage rolls and steak slices to open his own branch of Greggs.

The intention was to ride to the cemetery where my dad's buried, pay our respects and then ride back. We didn't know exactly how far it was, but we estimated somewhere between 135 and 145 miles. 

We knew we might not manage it, but if we did we wanted to start and finish on fathers day, so we decided to set of at 4am. Of course this meant we stayed awake chatting until 1am.


I wont say I was tired at the start, but this is what we looked like from my side of the eyeball.

Click to see full-size image.

 

[doubleup]

On Wednesday I went to the hospital with my arse.  (Insert joke here ______ )

The problem is not with my arse per-se, it's the part of my anatomy that sits behind the opening to my hip pocket, but I don't know what to call it.

Anyway. It's been hurting for almost three years now. not all the time, only when I sit of something soft enough to allow me to sink in and put pressure on that part.

The biggest problems are the settee, sitting up in bed, the cinema, and driving, but one way and another, I've managed to find work-arounds.

I've had all sorts of tests, X ray, ultra-sound, MRI scan etc. I've had pain killers, Cortisone injections, physiotherapy and stuff, all to no avail.

Last week, after waiting months, I finally got to see a pain management specialist.

What a complete charlatan. He was the surely the most incompetent medical practitioner I have ever seen.  

I think he was a Sikh, (or at any rate he wore a turban) I mention this not because his ethnicity has any bearing, only because it allows me to describe him more accurately.

His turban seemed to be of the extra large variety and his smile was incredibly white.

It was for all the world like Peter Sellers had blacked up and was pretending to be a Sikh doctor.


"Hello Mr McCready, please take a seat. Now, you have a problem with your right leg?"

"No. I have a problem with my left hip"

He gave me a winning smile.

"That is correct"

"Does it hurt when you touch your toes?"

"No"

"Touch your toes please"

I did as I was told.

"Did that hurt?"

"No"

"That is correct"

I told him that only sitting on a soft surface for several minutes caused it to hurt, but he insisted on trying to guess something else that hurt it.

"Does it hurt when you lift your leg?"

"No, it only hurts when I sit on something soft"

"That is correct. Does it hurt when you run?"

"No, it only hurts when I sit on something soft"

"That is correct. Does it hurt when you bend sideways?


After about 200 guesses he changed tack.

"Does it hurt when I press here?"

"No, it only hurts when I sit on something soft"

"That is correct. Does it hurt when I press here?"

Eventually he opened a medical book and put it down on the carpet in front of me.

"Stand with one foot on that and the other on the floor"

I did as I was told.

"How does that feel"

"Lop sided Doctor"

"Please step off and step on again"

How does it feel now?"

"Still lop sided Doctor"

"Good. You have one leg shorter than the other"

"Pardon?"

"Have you tried pain killers?"

"Yes. They don't work"

"Good. Keep taking the pain killers"

"Do you drink alcohol?"

"No"

"Good. Drink a large glass of wine every evening"

"What about the pain Doctor, will it ever go away?"

"No. It will never go away"

"So you can't help me?"

"That is correct"

"Goodbye Doctor"

"Goodbye Mr McCready. Make an appointment to see me again in 6 months"

Oh one last thing, Mr Mcready....

Have you had an email from Joe Beevers?




      

  

you missed a bit

[Jon MW]

On Wednesday I went to the hospital with my arse.  (Insert joke here ______ )

The problem is not with my arse per-se, it's the part of my anatomy that sits behind the opening to my hip pocket, but I don't know what to call it.

Anyway. It's been hurting for almost three years now. not all the time, only when I sit of something soft enough to allow me to sink in and put pressure on that part.

The biggest problems are the settee, sitting up in bed, the cinema, and driving, but one way and another, I've managed to find work-arounds.

I've had all sorts of tests, X ray, ultra-sound, MRI scan etc. I've had pain killers, Cortisone injections, physiotherapy and stuff, all to no avail.

Last week, after waiting months, I finally got to see a pain management specialist.

What a complete charlatan. He was the surely the most incompetent medical practitioner I have ever seen.  
...

Unlucky Tom - I finally got around to seeing a pain management specialist a couple of years ago after having had a problem with my neck for over 10 years.

When I originally went to the GP when I was 20 - after bloods and x-ray he said, "it's not arthritis, it's not rheumatism, we don't know what it is - have a co-codamol prescription".

It got worse a few years ago so I made sure I got to see a specialist consultant about it, technically my consultant had retired but my GP told me he occasionally took on the odd bit of work. So that made me feel special ... or odd.

He did the same tests and confirmed what it wasn't then asked loads of loads and questions - but his questions were mainly about medical history.

And from that he deduced it was down to an accident I had when I was 9 - which only manifested itself when I stopped growing, i.e. around the time I first had to visit the GP about it.

So if you go to the right consultant you can get all the clever stuff.

Although the final conclusion was: "we still don't know for certain what it is, and there's nothing we can do to fix it - have a co-codamol prescription"

[RED-DOG]

Yeah Jon, I've pretty much decided that it's just something I'll have to learn to live with.

People cope with a a million times worse so it's not so bad in the scheme of things.

[RED-DOG]

Did anyone watch episode 2 of The Men Who Made Us Fat on BBC2 last Thursday?


I stumbled upon it by accident while flicking through the channels. It was really fascinating.

It told the story of fast food and bigger, 'Go large' portions. Apparently, the vast majority of a food outlet's overheads are spent on utilities, staff wages and packaging. The actual food is relatively cheap. So some bright spark of a cinema manager in Chicago realises that if he offers 100%  more popcorn for only 50% more money, he will make more profit and the customer will get a better deal. Everyone's a winner.

Soon, Maccy D's jumped on the super-size bandwagon, and then it was game over. We were on a non-stop train to Fatsville. 


http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/search?q=The%20Men%20Who%20Made%20Us%20Fat

[Kev B]

Welcome back Tom. I've been reduced to reading Tikay's diary in your absence. His Vegas blog is excellent BTW but don't tell him I said so.

I imagined your Sikh doctor appointment as a sketch on the two Ronnnies, very funny.

[tikay]

Welcome back Tom. I've been reduced to reading Tikay's diary in your absence. His Vegas blog is excellent BTW but don't tell him I said so.

I imagined your Sikh doctor appointment as a sketch on the two Ronnnies, very funny.

Outrageous slur.

[tikay]

I've just realised that the Saturday & Sunday that I wanted to tell you about came before the Monday Tuesday and Wednesday I've already told you about.

So to back track a little...

Last Saturday, I made the final preparations for my fathers day bike ride. Everything was well oiled, including the bike, and all surplus weight was removed. (From the bike, not from me).

Unfortunately the surplus weight turned out to be a cable lock and a spare pair of gloves. This was replaced by a litre bottle of water, four toasted bacon and egg sandwiches, a packet of fig biscuits, a pot of tuna pasta and mayonnaise, a Trek bar, two bananas, a bag of dried fruit and a 14p packet of flake cakes from the Whoops counter in Tesco.

I also packed a pump, a puncture repair kit, a spare inner tube, a set of Allen keys, a spoke spanner, half a toilet roll and, after much agonising indecision, a foul weather jacket and trousers.

My travelling companions all packed similar, with some exceptions in the food department. My son-in-law Ben had Kendal mint cake, flapjacks, power bars and tins of Heinz custard. My brother John had a flask full of beef stew and a loaf of crusty bread, and my nephew Tracy had enough sausage rolls and steak slices to open his own branch of Greggs.

The intention was to ride to the cemetery where my dad's buried, pay our respects and then ride back. We didn't know exactly how far it was, but we estimated somewhere between 135 and 145 miles. 

We knew we might not manage it, but if we did we wanted to start and finish on fathers day, so we decided to set of at 4am. Of course this meant we stayed awake chatting until 1am.


I wont say I was tired at the start, but this is what we looked like from my side of the eyeball.

Click to see full-size image.

 

Underneath the typically humurous smokescreen, this is such a lovely story Tom, and a grand way of paying tribute to Dad.

I'm pretty sure he is thrilled to bits, & very proud of his lads.

[RED-DOG]

After a quick wash and a cup of tea, we started our ride at 4am.

Less than 5 miles into the journey, Ben called for us to stop. He said his front wheel felt funny. We examined it and found that all his spokes were loose and at least 40% of them had become disconnected from the rim. It was all the wonder in the world that the wheel hadn't collapsed.

None of us had ever tensioned spokes or trued a wheel before, but by a process of trial and error, we managed to get them more or less evenly tensioned, and the wheel running almost true.

Had we not been able to get him going we would have left him behind. We had agreed at the start that individual breakdowns, be they mechanical or physical, would not be allowed to jeopardise the entire trip.

Our intention was to stop for a few minutes every 15 miles or so. This would allow us to stretch out our muscles and eat a little food.

We found out during our training runs that it was necessary to eat small amounts regularly. If we left it too long between snacks our energy reserves would run out and then even if we ate something our bodies couldn't process it quickly enough.

We were also constantly on the lookout for places to refill our water bottles, We drank constantly as we rode. I had a one litre bottle and it ran dry at an alarming rate.

The weather was kind for the most part, nice and cool with the odd light shower of rain. There was a light breeze at our backs which assisted our progress a little. I was worried about it's effect on the way back though, if we should make it that far.

I had fitted Schwalbe Marathon 'puncture resistant' tyres to my bike. They were a little heavier and a little wider than I would have liked, (They say an ounce of weight on the wheel is as bad as a pound of weight on the bike) but I was worried about finishing in time and I thought the added puncture protection was worth it.

The biggest mistake people make with bike tyres is under inflation. Mine were rated for 80psi so I assumed the manufacturer had allowed a 20% safety margin and pumped mine up 110psi. Thanks to my excellent math skilz, my bike was rolling like a dream.

At about 6am, after covering some 26 miles, we made our first (And rather overdue) stop in a not yet open petrol station. As we filled our water bottles and struggled not to eat vast amounts of food, I walked around stretching my aching arms and legs, rolling my head from side to side to flex my aching neck, and resisting the temptation to rub my aching bum until I had finished my sandwich.

The others looked in fine fettle. Laughing and joking, they seemed iritatingly ache free.

It was then that I began to worry about being the only one who wouldn't make it.




On a training run.

Click to see full-size image.

Our first stop in the garage.

Click to see full-size image.

Click to see full-size image.

   

[EvilPie]

On Wednesday I went to the hospital with my arse.  (Insert joke here ______ )

The problem is not with my arse per-se, it's the part of my anatomy that sits behind the opening to my hip pocket, but I don't know what to call it.

Anyway. It's been hurting for almost three years now. not all the time, only when I sit of something soft enough to allow me to sink in and put pressure on that part.

The biggest problems are the settee, sitting up in bed, the cinema, and driving, but one way and another, I've managed to find work-arounds.

I've had all sorts of tests, X ray, ultra-sound, MRI scan etc. I've had pain killers, Cortisone injections, physiotherapy and stuff, all to no avail.

Last week, after waiting months, I finally got to see a pain management specialist.

What a complete charlatan. He was the surely the most incompetent medical practitioner I have ever seen.  

I think he was a Sikh, (or at any rate he wore a turban) I mention this not because his ethnicity has any bearing, only because it allows me to describe him more accurately.

His turban seemed to be of the extra large variety and his smile was incredibly white.

It was for all the world like Peter Sellers had blacked up and was pretending to be a Sikh doctor.


"Hello Mr McCready, please take a seat. Now, you have a problem with your right leg?"

"No. I have a problem with my left hip"

He gave me a winning smile.

"That is correct"

"Does it hurt when you touch your toes?"

"No"

"Touch your toes please"

I did as I was told.

"Did that hurt?"

"No"

"That is correct"

I told him that only sitting on a soft surface for several minutes caused it to hurt, but he insisted on trying to guess something else that hurt it.

"Does it hurt when you lift your leg?"

"No, it only hurts when I sit on something soft"

"That is correct. Does it hurt when you run?"

"No, it only hurts when I sit on something soft"

"That is correct. Does it hurt when you bend sideways?


After about 200 guesses he changed tack.

"Does it hurt when I press here?"

"No, it only hurts when I sit on something soft"

"That is correct. Does it hurt when I press here?"

Eventually he opened a medical book and put it down on the carpet in front of me.

"Stand with one foot on that and the other on the floor"

I did as I was told.

"How does that feel"

"Lop sided Doctor"

"Please step off and step on again"

How does it feel now?"

"Still lop sided Doctor"

"Good. You have one leg shorter than the other"

"Pardon?"

"Have you tried pain killers?"

"Yes. They don't work"

"Good. Keep taking the pain killers"

"Do you drink alcohol?"

"No"

"Good. Drink a large glass of wine every evening"

"What about the pain Doctor, will it ever go away?"

"No. It will never go away"

"So you can't help me?"

"That is correct"

"Goodbye Doctor"

"Goodbye Mr McCready. Make an appointment to see me again in 6 months"



      

  

Is it naughty that I read this entire conversation in an 'Apu from the Simpsons' voice?

[RED-DOG]

Is it naughty that I read this entire conversation in an 'Apu from the Simpsons' voice?

Not naughty exactly. 'Accurate' would be a better word.

[Doobs]

Is it naughty that I read this entire conversation in an 'Apu from the Simpsons' voice?

Not naughty exactly. 'Accurate' would be a better word.

Wow, I will read all your posts in the Apu voice from now on.

[RED-DOG]

Is it naughty that I read this entire conversation in an 'Apu from the Simpsons' voice?

Not naughty exactly. 'Accurate' would be a better word.

Wow, I will read all your posts in the Apu voice from now on.

Hmm... Perhaps 'Half the conversation' in Apu, and the other half in Yorkshire pudding.

[TightEnd]

Incredible, no?

http://www.lettersofnote.com/2011/03/i-think-i-no-how-to-make-people-or.html

[kinboshi]

Tom's first break in photo-journalism:

http://www.buyyourcar.co.uk/news/article/hailstones-batter-cars-in-leicestershire/12464