Vagueness and the Aftermath - A sporadic diary

[RED-DOG]

So this is a bit disconcerting.

There's an advert that comes on the telly where a stupid looking middle aged bloke, (think Nirvana but younger) stands in the middle of his kitchen with a casserole dish, does a pirouette for no discernible reason, and slops a dollop on to the tiled floor.

He glances at the clock on the wall, the big hand is almost on the 12. He grabs his Flash Speed Mop, cleans the kitchen floor in seconds, and opens the kitchen door to welcome his visitor.

Click to see full-size image.

So immediately I'm thinking...



Why is he standing in the middle of the floor waving a casserole dish if his visitor is due any moment?

Why does the spilled casserole splatter everywhere except on his white trousers and white dog?

Why is his visitor a pretty girl who is way out of his league?

Why has she brought him flowers?

Why do they both pose with the mop at the end?

Would this advert persuade anyone (except Nirvana) to buy a speed mop?

I thought I was thinking these questions to myself, but apparently I was asking the telly out loud.




Next advert comes on.

A woman plugs a scent defuser into a wall socket, sinks into a sofa, and almost has an orgasm as the aroma of pine hits her nostrils.

"Enjoy the outdoor freshness of a Glade Plug-In" The voice-over says.

"It's not outdoor freshness, it's chemicals you silly mare" I chunter loudly.

Mrs Red looks up from her book, "Why are you being rude to the television?"


An innocent enough remark, but a bit of a coincidence. You see my golf buddies all jokingly accuse each other of having one or even several undesirable traits, these are usually inspired by some minor slip up or misdemeanor, which is immediately pounced upon and then exaggerated for comic effect.

Example: One unfortunate chap told us he was laying in bed waiting for the plumber and wondering if he would need to get his toolbox out. You can imagine our reaction.

Anyway, obviously unable to find any flaws in my behaviour, they started referring to me as Mr Rude, just to make me feel included.

Mrs Red was unaware of any of this so her remark did strike me as strange.

Then again what does she know? Daft cow. And is it even possible to be rude to a television anyway?

[doubleup]

Why has she brought him flowers?

My guess here is that, as our nation's decline continues, we no longer merit adverts created for British markets and this particular advert would be European in origin, where visitors bringing flowers is very common. I believe the Deutschers in particular won't be at all impressed if you turn up at their house without flowers.

At the risk of contradicting myself, it is best not to think too much about adverts as that is exactly what they want. If they knew that their advert was being discussed on the "Vagueness etc" diary, they would almost have an orgasm.

[RED-DOG]

Why has she brought him flowers?

My guess here is that, as our nation's decline continues, we no longer merit adverts created for British markets and this particular advert would be European in origin, where visitors bringing flowers is very common. I believe the Deutschers in particular won't be at all impressed if you turn up at their house without flowers.

At the risk of contradicting myself, it is best not to think too much about adverts as that is exactly what they want. If they knew that their advert was being discussed on the "Vagueness etc" diary, they would almost have an orgasm.

See, I didn't know that.

Steady though, funny and informative is my job.

[RED-DOG]

One on my mates, ( I use the term loosely) professes to be technophobe but posts pictures of everything he eats on our WhatsApp group.

He posted a picture of some crispy bacon and another mate remarked that lt looked good, but he hadn't eaten any for 20 years. When I asked why he said it was carcinogenic.

Now every morning I have two eggs on toast with two slices of thinly sliced processed ham cooked until crispy in the microwave. I've been doing that for perhaps the past 5 years. So I asked Google:

How much would my rates of cancer increase by eating two slices of bacon everyday for 10 years?

Click to see full-size image.

Considering the probable damage already done, the small increase in risk, and the amount of time someone my age has left, do you think I'm good to carry on?

PS- Decision already made, just interested to know what you think.

[RED-DOG]

Given the choice, would you:

A- Be able to identify all the birds and trees in the UK?

B- Speak fluent Spanish?

[Doobs]

One on my mates, ( I use the term loosely) professes to be technophobe but posts pictures of everything he eats on our WhatsApp group.

He posted a picture of some crispy bacon and another mate remarked that lt looked good, but he hadn't eaten any for 20 years. When I asked why he said it was carcinogenic.

Now every morning I have two eggs on toast with two slices of thinly sliced processed ham cooked until crispy in the microwave. I've been doing that for perhaps the past 5 years. So I asked Google:

How much would my rates of cancer increase by eating two slices of bacon everyday for 10 years?

Click to see full-size image.

Considering the probable damage already done, the small increase in risk, and the amount of time someone my age has left, do you think I'm good to carry on?

PS- Decision already made, just interested to know what you think.

So if you eat "bacon", you have a 1% increased risk of dying.  But you'll already have accumulated much of that?  So increased risk of dying through eating bacon is about 1/500 for you?  Would just crack on. 

This assumes that it is only the bowel cancer that matters.  Would be other risks through heart disease and other cancers.  Think would just enjoy what you do.  Can recommend losing a few pounds as it has been great for me, but bacon isn't even high calorie.

[Doobs]

Given the choice, would you:

A- Be able to identify all the birds and trees in the UK?

B- Speak fluent Spanish?

I can recognise most birds and have bird up, and trees are a bit meh.  I am not sure I'd use fluent Spanish much, but doing so will be a step change, so that.  If I have to forget all I already know about birds, it would be a different answer.

[RED-DOG]

No, no forgetting involved so enjoy your bird knowledge and kudos for being interested enough to accumulate it in the first place.

Trees are meh? How very dare you.

[RED-DOG]

Have to agree on the weight loss. That, and taking a bit of regular exercise are probably the two most beneficial things you can do.

Massive feel- good factor too.

[doubleup]

Given the choice, would you:

A- Be able to identify all the birds and trees in the UK?

B- Speak fluent Spanish?

If you've only one wish left, use it to ask the genie for another three, then you an get all both the above and Rory McIlroy's golf swing.

[RED-DOG]

If you suddenly found you had Rory's swing, what would you do with it?

[doubleup]

If I had my time again, I would do the science of language. "Fluent" imo is when a word or group of words comes to the notice of your brain and somehow alters your state of mind with understanding. I've been having a go at learning German for a few years (doulingo streak 2000+) and there are very few words that instantly convey meaning in the way of their English equivalent. Most words are translated first.

One facet of German is that quite often you have to hear or read a complete sentence/phrase before you can understand it, eg "That is the man, who the golf match won". In English we often understand (or think we do) a sentence before it finishes, leading to interruptions and faster paced discussions. Does that all affect the way people think and behave?

[doubleup]

If you suddenly found you had Rory's swing, what would you do with it?

Get a caddy that could read putts

[RED-DOG]

If you suddenly found you had Rory's swing, what would you do with it?

Get a caddy that could read putts

Seriously though, I wonder how long it would take you to really monetise it.

[RED-DOG]

If I had my time again, I would do the science of language. "Fluent" imo is when a word or group of words comes to the notice of your brain and somehow alters your state of mind with understanding. I've been having a go at learning German for a few years (doulingo streak 2000+) and there are very few words that instantly convey meaning in the way of their English equivalent. Most words are translated first.

One facet of German is that quite often you have to hear or read a complete sentence/phrase before you can understand it, eg "That is the man, who the golf match won". In English we often understand (or think we do) a sentence before it finishes, leading to interruptions and faster paced discussions. Does that all affect the way people think and behave?

FFS! That's in English and I'm struggling with it.