Vagueness and the Aftermath - A sporadic diary

[RED-DOG]

So this is a bit disconcerting.

There's an advert that comes on the telly where a stupid looking middle aged bloke, (think Nirvana but younger) stands in the middle of his kitchen with a casserole dish, does a pirouette for no discernible reason, and slops a dollop on to the tiled floor.

He glances at the clock on the wall, the big hand is almost on the 12. He grabs his Flash Speed Mop, cleans the kitchen floor in seconds, and opens the kitchen door to welcome his visitor.

Click to see full-size image.

So immediately I'm thinking...



Why is he standing in the middle of the floor waving a casserole dish if his visitor is due any moment?

Why does the spilled casserole splatter everywhere except on his white trousers and white dog?

Why is his visitor a pretty girl who is way out of his league?

Why has she brought him flowers?

Why do they both pose with the mop at the end?

Would this advert persuade anyone (except Nirvana) to buy a speed mop?

I thought I was thinking these questions to myself, but apparently I was asking the telly out loud.




Next advert comes on.

A woman plugs a scent defuser into a wall socket, sinks into a sofa, and almost has an orgasm as the aroma of pine hits her nostrils.

"Enjoy the outdoor freshness of a Glade Plug-In" The voice-over says.

"It's not outdoor freshness, it's chemicals you silly mare" I chunter loudly.

Mrs Red looks up from her book, "Why are you being rude to the television?"


An innocent enough remark, but a bit of a coincidence. You see my golf buddies all jokingly accuse each other of having one or even several undesirable traits, these are usually inspired by some minor slip up or misdemeanor, which is immediately pounced upon and then exaggerated for comic effect.

Example: One unfortunate chap told us he was laying in bed waiting for the plumber and wondering if he would need to get his toolbox out. You can imagine our reaction.

Anyway, obviously unable to find any flaws in my behaviour, they started referring to me as Mr Rude, just to make me feel included.

Mrs Red was unaware of any of this so her remark did strike me as strange.

Then again what does she know? Daft cow. And is it even possible to be rude to a television anyway?

[doubleup]

Why has she brought him flowers?

My guess here is that, as our nation's decline continues, we no longer merit adverts created for British markets and this particular advert would be European in origin, where visitors bringing flowers is very common. I believe the Deutschers in particular won't be at all impressed if you turn up at their house without flowers.

At the risk of contradicting myself, it is best not to think too much about adverts as that is exactly what they want. If they knew that their advert was being discussed on the "Vagueness etc" diary, they would almost have an orgasm.

[RED-DOG]

Why has she brought him flowers?

My guess here is that, as our nation's decline continues, we no longer merit adverts created for British markets and this particular advert would be European in origin, where visitors bringing flowers is very common. I believe the Deutschers in particular won't be at all impressed if you turn up at their house without flowers.

At the risk of contradicting myself, it is best not to think too much about adverts as that is exactly what they want. If they knew that their advert was being discussed on the "Vagueness etc" diary, they would almost have an orgasm.

See, I didn't know that.

Steady though, funny and informative is my job.