Okay society you win- Diary of a fat boy

[boldie]

ever thought of becoming a teacher, Snatty?..would suit you, me thinks.

[Snatiramas]

ever thought of becoming a teacher, Snatty?..would suit you, me thinks.

When I was made redundant a few years ago, I gave it serious thought. Unfortunately the financial gap etc. was just too great and now I think I am probably too old to make the change............but that or reporting on rugby would have been my two jobs of choice I think

[Snatiramas]

The service is racing by like one of Tikays memorable train journeys.  There are seven aliyot ( the translation is going up, but we provincial Jews call it a “call up”) during the Torah reading. The first two are for a Kohen and a Levi. They are honoured first as the Kohanim (plural) were the priests in the temple and the Levi’im had the job of taking care of them. You are born into those two particular tribes, if not you are a member of one of the not as special tribes of Israel.

I get the third aliyah which is high honour and normally given to the father of the Bar Mitzvah boy. A few blessings and a little bit of looking over the Torah and making sure it is read correctly......like I’d know!!! Fifth call up is given to Dad as a father and son are not allowed on the Bimah at the same time. Then it is Adams turn. His Hebrew name is called out and he is sung to the Bimah by the whole community. He kisses the Torah and starts singing the first three blessings. His voice is massively wobbly but then he starts his Maftir, so clearly and confidently, his strength seems to radiate out of him and he is smiling broadly. First hurdle faced and duly overcome, I mean me and not getting all emotional, I don’t know what you were thinking. Then there is a bit of dancing in a circle. We are quite good in circles, it is when we go to free form that your average Jewish man seems to lose all co ordination and looks like a spaceman at zero gravity speeded up a thousand times.

Well we are underway and it has started most promisingly. The Rabbi now says the prayer for those who are unwell in the community, and then two people get called up to dress the Torah. Like all good strike forces it normally involves a big one and a little one. The big one gets to unwind the Torah to about shoulder width and then  lifts it high so that all members can see it. The Torah can be seriously heavy as they are made from wood and parchment, oh and I may have forgotten to mention but if you drop it the whole community have to fast. I get Hagbah a lot, but today it goes to my best mate Faff. Now Faff is called Faff for a very obvious reason. I have never known anybody take as long to make a decision, not even Anne Marie or my sisters. He is also the reason I am on this infernal diet and therefore the reason you are reading this thread. We go back a long way and he is a loyal and true friend. The other part of our strike force is my nephew Jacob. It is his job to dress the Torah but I am there to help him.

Torah no longer nude we can start with Adam’s Haftorah. It is long, about thirty sentences of Hebrew all sung followed by four long blessings. There are three of us on the Bimah. Adam, Joel on his left and me on his right. There is no need to worry though as Adam has now hit his straps and is looking round the Shul as he sings, taking little glances at his mother and other members of his family and friends. I can’t look at Anne Marie and whenever I look up she looks down, so I guess she is having similar feelings, the feelings of pride and love. To see our son who it seemed like only yesterday I was holding for the first time standing up in front of all these people giving the most wonderful rendition for his Bar Mitzvah is just totally indescribable.

He reaches the blessings at the end and it happens. I look up and catch Anne Maries eye and in less than a nano second we are both laughing and crying. Poor old Ads manages to shoot us both a look of horror which was quite some feat as we were in opposite directions but carries on as though it is most natural thing in the world to see your father and mother crying. He finishes and gets the biggest Mazel Tov from all present and of course a massive hug from me. He then goes over to his Mother who also gives him a huge hug and shakes the hands of the Wardens who run the service. I dry my eyes and tot up how much I owe to people who had me on to cry. The Torah gets placed back in the Ark by Anne Maries Dad and we all settle down for the sermon............

[Laxie]

Thank you Faff

[Snatiramas]

Apologies all it has in these troubled times been a bit manic at work this week. I will try and get some more stuff and nonsense up over the weekend

[Snatiramas]

Now I would like to tell you that I remember every single word of the Rabbi’s sermon at this point, but I can’t remember a single thing. I am sure it was good, in fact I remember thinking it was very clever but as senility starts creeping around the edges of my mind, the content has completely gone. I do remember getting up to bless Adam with Anne Marie and getting the words slightly wrong and there were a couple of presentations and then we get to Mussaf.

Adam is back up and leading the whole community in the service. His confidence and enthusiasm are infectious and the Shul is really rocking in a religious, spiritual, Jewish way and everybody is joining in and smiling and singing and if I live to be a hundred this memory will always be with me. His very manner is one of somebody who has crosses the Rubicon. No fear or timidity just an absolute belief in his ability to do something that 90% of the community will never do and a joy in doing it.

The service is over and as always I wonder how that happened so quickly. The term kiddush is used to refer to a ceremonial meal served at a synagogue at the conclusion of services, in which refreshments are served. Traditionally, this often includes cake, crackers, and fish. It is actually the prayer over wine on the Shabbat. So we clear all the chairs away. Lots of Mazel Tovs. Lots of hugs. Lots of laughter.

And having eaten there is only one thing to do.......sit down and eat lunch. The tables get set up and laid. Table plan posted. Everybody sits down and I stand up to give welcome speech two which goes like this

Rabbi, Debbie, Mum, Dad, Rita and Alex Family and friends. It is truly wonderful to have you all here with us on this special day for Adam, Rachel, Anne Marie and I. We are truly blessed to have so many friends and family with us today to celebrate Adams Barmitzvah. Of course there are people we are thinking of today who can’t be with us and in particular memories of  two special people. Stella, Anne Maries mother whom I never met but I am led to believe was somebody not to be messed with and Uncle Gerald who passed away this year and who Adam shares his birthday with and who gave the proposal speech at my own Bar Mitzvah.

Now it is interesting that Stella was a woman not to be messed with as people in the community seem to have the same view of Anne Marie. Anne Marie you look gorgeous today and as Rachel said when she saw your hat for the first time “Mummy that is a front row job”. Your nine years of no nonsense work for the community on the Shul board was obviously the main reason that the Shul let us have lunch here today and we are very greatful to Rabbi Abel, the chairman and the honorary officers for this privelige.

The same no nonsense approach has been evident in the organising for this weekend and you are an absolute driving force for our whole family. I am so blessed that Rita managed to find a way to get us together. Now to have a no nonsense approach is all very well but you need someone to have a no nonsense approach with. Enter stage left our good friend and caterer Neil Samuels who has from the very first phone call been a guiding light in shaping how we could accomplish lunch in the Shul. We could not have done all of this without him and we are so pleased  that he took the job on.

Now we come to the  third generation of women not to be messed with, Rachel. Rachel not only are you beautiful like your Mother but you are as smart as her as well. Your Dvar Torah was brilliant and your enthusiasm and help for your brothers Bar Mitzvah has confirmed what a truly great girl you are.

“If not now when!!!”
The first time I heard these words you might have thought I was at Cheder. You might have thought I was listening to a sermon in Shul but neither of these would be correct,
No the first time I heard these words I happened to be at a poker table. Avi was about to throw his chips into the middle of the table with what I soon came to realise had become his regular battle cry. I knew it was a quote but I had no idea where it was from so I decided to bash it into Google. Up pops Hillel. The full quote is of course

"If I am not for myself, who will be? If I am not for others, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" The third part contains the admonition to postpone no duty, the same admonition which he gave with reference to study (Avot 2:4): "Say not, 'When I have free time I shall study'; for you may perhaps never have any free time." No miracles are connected with Hillel's memory. He lived, without the glory of legend, in the memory of posterity as the great teacher who taught and practised the virtues of philanthropy, fear of God, and humility.
To my mind Adam I think on this your Bar Mitzvah day there can be no better role model than Hillel

And this leads me to you  Adam. On Thursday night whilst you were in the shower you started singing certain sections of your Bar Mitzvah completely unprompted and two thoughts sprang to mind. Firstly your teacher Joel Sager is very very good, thank you Joel and secondly Hillels classic line “if not now when”. You see as regards your Bar Mitzvah you were very obviously ready. But it is obvious that you are ready not only for your Bar Mitzvah but also  to start the learning necessary to get the most out of life and your Jewish identity. Your Mummy, Rachel and I are tremendously proud of you, and I as your father would not normally tell you this but I thought  that your davening this morning was excellent. Also your enthusiasm in everything that you do from school work particularly Tenach of late, to rugby, to thank you letters, this enthusiasm is refreshing and infectious and makes the job for Mummy and I incredibly easy.

I know already that as you move forward from this point you will take care of those around you. It is your nature to behave in this way. That you will deepen your knowledge and Jewish identity, and you will quietly go about your achievements without fanfare but with humility. Strive to be like Hillel and you will not go far wrong . Of course if you need role models that you can talk to, you might try your grandparents they have done pretty well as regards your Mummy and I and they may take you on as a special project.
So all that remains is for you all to sit back eat lunch, enjoy each other’s company and I wish you all Shabbat shalom.

[tikay]

This is just massive. Thanks Phil.

But this, (below), surely, is not exclusively Jewish - I was taught the very same.

always try to do your best, be the first one to make peace whenever you find yourself in an argument and always do what you know in your heart to be the right thing. 

[tikay]

As a non-Jew, I was also taught this - never be afraid to laugh at one's self. It's better than laughing at others.

Then there is a bit of dancing in a circle. We are quite good in circles, it is when we go to free form that your average Jewish man seems to lose all co ordination and looks like a spaceman at zero gravity speeded up a thousand times.

[tikay]

And finally.....

Thank you for your help last night on PTP. As you could see, answering so many questions, from so many perople, for so long, on chat-box software that's kinda awkward, & at the same time, playing Poker, is pretty tough for one with my lack of dexterity. I was most grateful. The PTP sessions are punctuated by the occasional idiot, making it tough to look after the real Clients, so it's quite a test, some nights.

You are a top bloke.

[Snatiramas]

This is just massive. Thanks Phil.

But this, (below), surely, is not exclusively Jewish - I was taught the very same.

always try to do your best, be the first one to make peace whenever you find yourself in an argument and always do what you know in your heart to be the right thing. 

Indeed most positive ideals have probably been passed from one religion to another and back agan. good people are good people not because of their religion but because they are good people

[boldie]

I have to say..if you quit this diary I'm afraid I will have to hunt you down and kill you by shoving burgers in your face untill you weigh 50 stone and explode.

[Laxie]

I have to say..if you quit this diary I'm afraid I will have to hunt you down and kill you by shoving burgers in your face untill you weigh 50 stone and explode.

   Big threats from a midget   

[Dingdell]

Phil - I remember you saything that in your Synagogue the men and women sit separately. From reading this is it different for the Barmitzvah?

Also at some point can you relay that convo you had with the Rabbi about gambling. I thought it was very insightful and funny.

Lastly more photos please!

PS I agree with the bald midget. x

[Snatiramas]

Okay as regards the seperate sitting that is the same for all religious services regardless. We are able to see each other though unlike in some synagogues.

The comments on gambling that you allude to come from a different Rabbi. I like to ask the Rabbi's questions about gambling and the religion. Such as it okay to play the lottery? The best response I got on this one was the following. You can do one line in a draw but to do more than one line would not be good. Why not says I? Because, came the response, if you do one line then if the lord decides to bless you in that way you have created the opportunity but to do more than one line would be gambling..............I like that one a lot. By the way poker as a hobby is okay but as a profession it would exclude you from sitting in a Jewish court...that's lucky then.

As regards the diary I think I still feel that these things should reach a conclusion, so once I have concluded the Bar Mitzvah stories and done the photos ( which arrived on Friday and are rather good) and maybe done some of the highlights from the video then for this diary that will be it.......a few weeks then. Anyway I want to get back to being a regular contributor to other threads and start other topics I do not seem able to do so. I am very touched that anybody bothered to read this stuff or would want me to continue but this really started as a diet diary and I now honestly believe that I will be dieting in some form for the rest of my life, so better to bring this to nice controlled finish.

The diet has been a disaster this week or rather my application on the diet has. I do not feel bad though. How can I. I only weigh sixteen 7 now and although that is not 14 and a half, I still feel great. As Simon Galloway said I need to get my head back into gear but I am having too much fun with cheese and onion crisps........I never used to like cheese and crisps so go figure as they say.

[turny]

wow sat 16 stone 7 is amazing mate well done